Kat Bean Tribute

2011 So Far

2011-05-07T22:02:00.000-06:00

It's been a really long time since we have blogged. Now that the boys are going to sleep at 8:00 I finally have time to do it. They are getting so big they are almost 16 months now.

Here's some pictures from this year.

January

January 9, 2011 was Colin & Ben's first birthday. This is their party.

Colin was so tired and did not like getting messy.

Ben loved it!

February

In February we went to Indiana to see Manda Brett and their kids. The plane ride was a little crazy on the way there but we survived and had so much fun.

March

On March 8th Colin and Ben both had ear tubes put in.

After the tubes were in we went to St. George. We went with Jen, Adam, Max and Steve and Jessie came too. Steve took lots of pictures of the boys.

April

In April the boys got their first hair cuts. Steve was there to take pictures.

Easter

May

Today we went to Red Butte Garden. Steve took more pictures for us.

December

2010-12-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

We waited in line to see Santa for 2 hours. 5 minutes before we got to Santa Ben fell asleep. He would not wake up, Santa even tried tickling him. Colin loved Santa.

Ben's new favorite thing to do.

Colin loves to get in too.

This is a funny face that Ben was making

Colin thought it was funny too.

Ben and Colin learning to love Coke (the bottles were empty)

Benny pulling Uncle Adam's hair

Taking our Christmas card picture

Colin Laughing

2010-07-21T19:34:00.002-06:00

Summer 2010 (thus far...)

2010-07-06T13:46:00.010-06:00

My sister Amanda and her family visited us for 3 weeks. It was really fun. We did a lot with them. Swimming, going out to lunch, lots of boardgames, and tons of family parties. We ended their trip with a 4th of July party. It was sad to see them go...

The Gardens at T-Point

2010-04-21T10:30:00.005-06:00

We took the boys out with Jen (Meg's Sister,) and their new cousin Maxwell as well as Kira and Kohen (family friend and her son) to Thanksgiving Point on Tuesday to have some pictures taken. Meg's brother Steve brought his awesome camera and his talent and we came up with these...

More Twin Pics...

2010-03-31T14:53:00.005-06:00

New Pics. Twins are Home!!!!

2010-01-29T10:35:00.012-07:00

And More Pics...

2010-01-18T10:40:00.010-07:00

More Pics...

2010-01-16T05:16:00.004-07:00

New Pics!!

2010-01-13T19:31:00.005-07:00

Ben has been on a C-PAP since his birthday to help him breathe but last night he finally figured out that he's supposed to take slow deep breaths so they switched him to straight oxygen. We can now see his face and he loves opening his eyes and looking around now.

The boys have been apart since birth and we felt that was unacceptable. Our nurse helped us to get a few shots of them together and they seemed to enjoy it.

Baby A

2010-01-11T21:42:00.002-07:00

Colin Joshua Dorius
Born January, 9th 2010
4 lbs, 15 oz

Baby B

2010-01-10T23:11:00.010-07:00

Benjamin Peter Dorius
Born January 9th, 2010
4 lbs 8 oz

A New Legend Begins....

2010-01-09T08:13:00.005-07:00

I woke up with a mild headache on Friday morning. I chose to go with my friends to the Belgian Waffle Hut after my job at UPS for some 3 AM breakfast, which resulted in a few hours less sleep than normal - worth it. I showered and readied myself for my next job. I went downstairs and Meg was still at the house. She called in to her job because she wasn't feeling great due to some painful contractions. She had been having contractions for a couple of weeks but they never really hurt before. She called the hospital and they told her to come in to see what was up.

I drove her to the hospital and they diagnosed her as possibly going into pre term labor. They monitored her contractions and did a lot of painful cervix checks. It kept changing. They told us we needed to stay the night for further observation.

Around 1:00 AM Meg started having really painful contractions. The nurse came in and did a final exam on Meg's cervix. She told us that she was dilated to 4+ centimeters and it was time to deliver the twins...

Wait, What????

An hour later the twins were born!

The babies were born about 6 weeks early. They need a little help breathing right now but they are doing awesome. Baby A is 4 lbs. 15 oz. Baby B is 4 lbs. 8 oz.

My Mom couldn't be here to celebrate with us but she did manage to make a baby blanket before she died. Technically, this blanket wasn't originally meant for us but when my Mom got sick, my sister Dawn made sure that it would be, with my Mom's blessing of course.

No names yet but we are working on it.

Update On The Twins...

2009-09-29T16:26:00.007-06:00

Today Meg and I went to our second ultrasound to get some good shots of the twins.

Top view of their heads.

Nice shot of one of the twins. I think the other twin's leg is above.

Distinctive male shot on twin A.

Distinctive male shot on twin B.

That's right! We're having two boys!

Ok....

2009-07-14T14:43:00.005-06:00

I woke up this morning at around 8:45 AM. I really felt the need to sleep in til noon due to a sore back from the previous night at work but I had more pressing matters to attend to. Sleep will have to wait til after I write this blog. I got up and showered, quickly. No time for cereal today. An apple will have to do for my breakfast this morning. I got into my car, noticing just how badly I need to clean it. Tomorrow though. I have things to do today.

I arrived at Meg's work, a little earlier than planned. She clocked out and entered my car. We had a few minutes to kill so we drove around to see her old house and much to her dismay, the new owner has left his Christmas lights up. Unacceptable. Someone should contact his HOA to go tell him what's what. Not now though. We'll leave that to the right people. Our drive offered a bit of solace from our crazy lives. Meg has been working fairly long hours and I have been working late nights with too much physical activity demanded of me. When we're not working, we're helping my sisters out in their day-to-days. But today required us to take a drive. We needed to gain certain information that could make or break our afternoon.

I drove us to our location and we searched long for a proper place to park. Aha! Right in front of.....the.......wrong doors. Oh well. We can walk. We entered the massive building and rode the elevator to the third floor. Megan found the correct office and pointed us in the right direction. We entered the office and found the right people to deal with. Megan did all the talking. We were told to take a seat for a few moments. Then our names were called. We're getting closer now. They are ready for us.

We entered a room where a young woman asked Meg a few questions about her personal life. Too personal. But, necessary I suppose. After the interrogation, a man entered and told us to follow him to another room. I was getting uneasy. We followed and he shut the door behind us. He then told Meg to...

THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIPT HAS BEEN REMOVED AT THE REQUEST OF THE EDITOR.

His pause was unbearable. This could be a bad sign. His eyes were focussing hard of the black and white screen. Still no response. "What could this mean??!!!" I thought, "Just say something!!!!!"

After a long pause he turned to us and said, "Well it looks like you guys were very successful."

Meg and I both looked up at the screen to see, not one, but two babies. "Twins??" Yelled Meg, jubilantly.

I tried to grasp what I was looking at, and what was happening altogether. Then realization set in. "Oh sh- shoot."

it's hard to tell now but there are 2 dark areas. One at the bottom and one to the right. Those are my children.

Good Times With Mom....

2009-05-10T08:11:00.005-06:00

Another first without her. I woke up this morning and immediately thought of my Mom. I don't know how to honor her on Mother's Day without her here. All I can do is miss her but I do that every day. For a really long time I could only remember her as being really sick. It was hard to picture her as she used to be before she found out about cancer. But as time goes by those last memories are replaced by happier ones from better times. She was the best Mom ever. I remember she would do anything for her kids. We always came first.

This is from our cruise/Disneyworld trip back in 1993 or 94, I don't remember. My Mom is holding crutches because she broke her leg. I remember we all would use her to get in the front of the lines at Disneyworld and she would go along with it without complaining. She never minded taking one for the team.

I want to say this picture is from one of our trips to Sun Valley but I could be way off. She loved traveling with her family. She always made everything fun.

Some of my most vivid memories of my Mom come from when she was around her best friend, Debbie Tyler. Things became strange when they were together. I remember how much they would laugh around each other. It was pure entertainment.

This was from Mother's Day last year. Her last Mother's Day. Even though we were all thinking of how it might be her last, we all still had so much fun because of her. I love you Mom! I miss you so much every day. Happy Mother's Day!

It Has Already Been A Year???

2009-04-27T16:20:00.003-06:00

It has been a year now since the vile illness made itself known to the public at the expense of my Mom. I stayed up til almost 5 am the previous night playing call of duty and honestly, that was pretty much all I cared about at the time. That all changed the next day.

I remember waking up to Megan that afternoon because nobody could reach me by phone. She drove home from work to wake me up because it was apparent that something was wrong. She told me that my Mom was going to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. I immediately got up and showered. I knew my Mom's health wasn't "great" and I remember thinking it was about time she went in for a check up but nothing too serious could possibly be wrong. I went to my sister Jenn's house to teach her son Tanner how to draw caricatures. She seemed worried but I think she felt the same way as me. After Tanner's lesson I went home to meet Meg after work. I kept getting more and more phone calls and the news seemed to be getting worse. It was Jenn who called and said they found spots on her lungs and it might be cancer. I could tell in Jenn's voice that she was really worried. I called my Dad to see if they needed any help and he said "no." I wanted to talk to my Mom but I actually felt nervous. I went to work with a huge knot in my stomach.

The next morning I drove to my Mom's house and as I was pulling into the driveway, I thought for the first time in my life that I could soon come to this house and not have my Mom there to greet me. I went inside feeling sick because I was so nervous. I found my Mom on the computer and she greeted me as she always does. I asked her how she was feeling and she said "scared." She was about to go back to the hospital for her biopsy to find out if it was in fact cancer. She walked downstairs with me to show me her x-rays. As I looked at the various spots on her lungs she walked to me and gave me a huge hug and I could tell she was crying. That was the moment that I felt that something serious was happening and my life was about to change. I tried to make her feel better and asked if I could go to the hospital with them.

That was the beginning of the strangest three months of my life. I still miss her so much every day. It still feels unfair that she was taken from me. This all happened way too fast.

I'd Settle For A Phone Call...

2009-03-28T03:38:00.003-06:00

What was I doing a year ago? Probably playing Call of Duty 4, hanging out with friends, going to movies, spending time with my fam, working.....

Nowadays, I look at my daily routine and it's pretty much the same as it was a year ago. I still can't get enough Call of Duty. I still work at UPS every night doing what I've done for the past five years. And I still wake up late and go meet someone from my family for lunch. Same basic routine. Except back then I could (and would) hear a comforting voice whenever I wanted every day. It was just a phone call away. And when I would hear it I wouldn't feel any different, but if I could hear it now I would be freaking out. It wasn't a huge part of my day. It was taken for granted. But it was there every day. And I miss it more than anything right now.

Eye of the Tiger

2009-02-26T20:13:00.006-07:00

I stumbled upon a video that I forgot about the other day. I have been compiling some videos of my Mom for a DVD I'm giving to my family on my Mom's birthday this Saturday. I found a video from a karaoke party on new years eve 2007. It features my brother-in-law, Brett and my nephew, Tanner singing "Eye of the Tiger." But it looks like my Mom knows how to rock as well as she's doing so in the background. Enjoy.

Farewell 2008!!!

2008-12-30T03:57:00.005-07:00

All I can say about bidding this year farewell is, "Good Riddance, You Swine!!!!" Not that some good didn't sneak out of this year. But all in all, I could have done without this one.

It's been a while since my last post and for that I apologize but like I said before, I have lost the will to write. (For some reason I feel like it now though.... strange.)

A lot has happened since my last post.

Halloween - I was an ape. I went trick or treating with the lovely Janey Bug who was Ariel (the little mermaid) and Tobe who was... Tobe.

November 11th - I turned 25. My wife assumed it would be a terrible day for me since it was the first without my Mom so she spoiled me to assure that it would be a positive day. It was. I received a Teddy Ruxpin as a sort of inside joke. There's a long story behind it, which has to do with christmas of 88 or 89 involving some tight underwear and a video camera.

Thanksgiving - Meg's mom and some relatives from Idaho came down and we ate a great feast. Also, my sister Amanda moved away to Indiana. I am really bummed out about it too.

After Thanksgiving - I did absolutely nothing except load packages into trucks. Double shift season began at UPS and I took advantage of some sweet over time.

Christmas - Another first without Mom but we got through it unscathed. I was, once again, spoiled. Lots of new video games. :) I drew a picture of my Mom with pastels and gave it to my Dad. Also, the grandkids, my brother, and I got to open our presents from my Mom. Each of us received a Build-a-Bear with a personalized voice message recorded by my Mom. It was very nice.

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Now we're approaching 2009 and I must say that I am looking forward to it. I already have made plans to visit my sister in Indiana in a couple weeks. Not a bad start. I hope we can contrast 2008 with a good year. We deserve one.

Good and Bad Memories...

2008-10-14T23:24:00.006-06:00

I feel the need to get something out of my system. Anything. I can't think of anything new to write about. It was so easy when my Mom was around but now I just live a boring life day to day like I used to. But tonight I really really really miss my Mom and I guess I feel that I should do some writing.

I left work early because it's not very busy at UPS these days and there's always somebody who gets to leave early and tonight it was my turn. I got into my car and began to feel terrible as I started to leave the parking lot. I continued to drive and for some reason I kept looking to the Star Wars air freshener dangling from my rear view mirror. I have a picture of my Mom taped to it. It's a picture from my wedding. She looks a little more proud of me in this picture than any other one I can find so I've always liked it. I felt the urge to pull out my Mom's letter and listen to it. I do this every now and then and although I could probably recite it word for word, I still get something new from it every time.

Tonight I really listened and tried to imagine my Mom as she was saying the words. She tears up a few times and I can tell she's really struggling for "the right thing to say," knowing that this will be all I have to hear her voice in emergencies. That must have been a lot of pressure for her. I know I probably couldn't handle that. She repeats herself too. She tells me to continue to be a kind person more than anything else. I started to see how she viewed me differently from her other kids. We're all different to her but she really seems proud of how "nice" I turned out. I started to flashback to when we would hang out while she was sick and how good I felt despite the crappy situation. I loved just sitting with her as I've probably said a hundred times but I could sit and talk to my Mom forever. We were great friends. I felt so comfortable with her and I loved reliving that memory tonight. She put everyone at ease and that feeling definitely left with her. Then I started to fast forward in my mind to the memories of when I would help her into bed because she couldn't lift her own legs. I started to feel a little more sad, not just because she died, but because her life was difficult toward the end. Then I was hit with the image of all of us lifting her body onto the bed the morning of her death. The memory of being the one to hold her head and how awful that made me feel. I wanted to forget that immediately after it happened and I've done a pretty good job till tonight. My memories of my Mom have definitely evolved since she died. Lately all I can remember are good memories like trips to St. George with her and hearing her chuckle as she waved to people. It was painful to be hit with that memory so hard tonight. But I don't ever want to forget anything about my Mom. Even the bad memories.

I'm starting to calm down a little now. I'm glad I made it home safely because I really don't remember actually driving home. All I can remember is a bunch of flashbacks and a total wave of pure sadness. These waves come a little less frequent lately but tonight was a big one. I think my whole family is going through what I did tonight. We all seem a little sad all day every day but when the waves come, I don't think we can feel anything else. I guess I just wanted to describe one in particular.

My Epic Return to the Blogging World!!!!

2008-10-06T20:13:00.004-06:00

It has been a while since I've even looked at this screen, let alone update anything. But alas, my dear sisters have been hassling me to put something new on my blog for about a month so here it goes....

Ever since my Mom died I have lost my will to...well do a lot of things but most of all, update my blog. It was meant as a way for everyone to check up on my Mom while she was sick and I guess I'm more of an updater than a blogger. But it is good to get back on the horse and do something I enjoy doing and writing is something I enjoy doing a lot. Not much has been going on lately. I am desperately trying to find a new job so I can get on a decent work schedule and live among the normal world for a change. I've applied to a few places but no luck so far. Turns out the skills of box loading I possess are not greatly wanted by companies other than the one's I'm trying to leave. But I'll keep trying. I won't give up till I'm happily adjusting to the new sleep schedule I'm looking forward to so much.

The greatest thing that happened to me in this horrible year was my recent trip out of reality to California and among the sort of people I can get behind. These people being cartoon characters from the great land of Disney. Yes, I left all my cares in Utah and embarked on an epic journey to Disneyland with my wife Megan, my Dad, My sister Amanda, and her family, Brett, Jane and Tobe. We took no prisoners as we spent entire days adventuring through the various lands in the park. We took our first space flights (we have stickers to prove it) on Space Mountain an average of 4.5 times. We loaded the fattest people in our group as well as two heavy and willing strangers onto the logs of Splash Mountain where we were soaked through with the foul waters of Uncle Remus. We even forced the brave young Tobe onto the bobsleds of the Matterhorn to face the snow demons. We did everything there was to do. Hardly any lines to stand in this time of year! The entire park was our oyster! We spent a total of about 30 hours living beyond the doors and forgetting who we were. And the rest of the time was spent eating, swimming in the ocean, fishing, eating, laughing crazily, and sleeping. It was beautiful. There were no nay-sayers allowed. We spent a good few hours hunting down the inhabitants of Disneyland for a picture with them. This was something I'd never done before but I felt surprisingly happy about our decision to do it. We even frolicked through Toon Town not stopping until we bumped into the king himself, Mickey Mouse. I think he was appalled by Meg's and My craziness like desperate paparazzi trying to get a glimpse of the good life. But we got our picture to add to the mix. It was one of the greatest weeks ever. A total eclipse of positivity over an extremely painful year. I think it was just what everybody needed.

Now I'm back and already feeling the post-Disneyland depression. But here are a few pictures of the craziness to hold me over till I go back.

My Dad's Anniversary Dinner

2008-09-05T11:39:00.004-06:00

Last night was fun. It was my parents' 40 wedding anniversary and we were invited to go eat at Market Street Grill to celebrate. We arrived and there was a sign saying, "Dorius Family Downstairs." We had our own dining room overlooking the creek or river or whatever runs next to the restaurant. It was a very nice setting. They brought us appetizers and drinks while we stood around talking. Then Dawn gave my Dad his anniversary card with a message from my Mom inside. She had my Mom write it before she died and she didn't tell my Dad till last night. He loved it. It was nice to read something in my Mom's handwriting. We sat down and ordered our food (completely spoiling ourselves.) We all ate like kings that night. Steak, lobster, crab, and desserts. It was the best food I'd had in a while and I'm sure my Mom was jealously looking down on us. Sorry Mom. After we were done eating we just sat and talked. My Dad told us stories of good and bad anniversaries with my Mom over the years. It was an extremely nice evening with our family. Happy anniversary Dad!

Set In Stone...

2008-09-03T10:20:00.002-06:00

My Mom's headstone is up now. This is getting too real and I'm still not adjusted. But her headstone looks really nice and we picked a great spot for her. It's very peaceful. I think I'll be spending a lot of time up there from now on.

I miss you Kat Bean.

Megan

2008-08-28T16:30:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was the 1 month mark since my Mom died. This didn't even occur to me til today but I definitely felt it yesterday. This week I haven't been thinking about my Mom very much. I have kept very busy and I have been doing some double-shifts to make some extra money. So I've been going in to work at around 5:00 in the evening and coming home at around 3:00 in the morning. Megan works from 8:00 to 5:00. A normal work shift. So I haven't seen much of her this week. Or my Dad. Or my Brother. I've sort of kept to myself this week. During work last night I started to feel guilty for not thinking of my Mom as often as I used to. I shrugged the feeling off and continued to work. After work I got in my car and I noticed that "The Prayer" by Josh Groban was in my head. I thought it was really strange because I'd been listening to nothing but heavy metal in my headphones all week. As I started to think of the song I was suddenly kicked back into the week of the funeral. This song played maybe 15,000 times that week since it was featured on my Mom's slideshow. This was also the song that played during her horse show tribute. It was one of my Mom's favorite songs I think. I suddenly began to cry feeling terrible that I have not kept my Mom in my thoughts as much. I've also been trying hard to keep my Dad feeling okay since she died but not this week. I just haven't been around. I got home and couldn't sleep. The tears kept pouring out as I lied in bed. Megan woke up to me crying and she put her arm around me saying "It's ok." I think she was a little confused because I haven't been like this since the week my Mom died. It all caught up to me and I felt miserable and alone once more. Megan made it all better as she does all the time. She stayed up til after 5:00 AM with me till I fell asleep. I really take her for granted. She works so hard for everybody, but especially me.

It was her birthday recently and her boss got us not a hotel room, but a whole basement apartment in Park City for a weekend. It was very nice of them and it was great to get away from reality for a few days. I loved to see Megan not worrying about anybody but herself for a while. She deserves it. We went to dinner on Main Street. We drove over to the Homestead for some fudge (Meg's favorite.) And we rode the Alpine Coaster, which whoops the Alpine Slide's butt. We came back and she was already offering to help others around her. She took a long lunch the other day to come get Manda's kids and take them to Arctic Circle while Manda cleaned the house. I couldn't help because I had to go paint in Orem. But Meg's always willing to help. Thanks Meg. I love you.

This Week's Update: Adam vs The Wasps

2008-08-22T13:50:00.009-06:00

This week we kept pretty busy. The sadness comes in waves and when it comes, it comes with a terrible vengeance. It will hit me with a memory of fun times I had with my Mom. One in particular was one time I was driving her to Huntsman before she was really sick and she was singing Beatles songs with me and showing me where she grew up. Just me and her out for a good drive. Then we got to Huntsman and her mood changed. Realization set in as she saw the patients entering the building and she became very scared. This memory just seems to sum up what happened to her over the last few months of her life. These memories creep into my mind and I need to leave the room and "let it out." But for the most part this week we are enjoying the company of each other in our family. Manda, Dawn and I have hung out a lot this week. Going to lunch, hangin with the kids, the usual. It feels like it did before cancer. Except for the absence of my Mom. The other day we fed the horse that lives behind us and Tobe was really scared but excited to be that close to the the big animal. It was funny.

Today is Megan's birthday and her Mom came to visit from South Carolina and I'm always happy to see her. I miss her these days. While Meg has been at work I have been helping my Dad get the trailer ready for our trip to Payson next week. It's the 79th Annual Onion Days Celebration which means a weekend full of carnival rides, dutch oven cuisine, golf, boating, and a little "family overload." But nothing I can't handle. It will be the first without Mom so we'll see how that goes. My prediction is it will be sad but everything seems better when we are all together so I'm sure we'll get through it feeling ok. It'll be fun. So back to the trailer - my Dad has been de-winterizing it so it will be ready next week. He asked me to climb up to the roof and remove the cover from the air conditioner. As I began to untie the tightening rope from the cover I noticed a wasp crawl out from under it. Then another. Then another. They swarmed me with a warning threat and I retreated. Coward. My Dad went to the garage to look for some bee killer but no luck. So Adam and I went to the store to get some. I found a can of the poison and on the label it said it shoots 27 feet of the stuff, killing on impact. Sweet! We got home and Adam wanted to do honors. He suited up in his Peruvian hoody with the hood pulled tight over his head. He whipped the cover back from the air conditioner and began to aim the can on them. As he shot they attacked. He ran, not back towards the ladder but to the roof of our house and he jumped. He had dropped the can next to the hive and he was cowering on the roof under the swarm. He rushed back dodging wasp after wasp and grabbed the can and emptied the thing on the nest. The attacking wasps began to fall as the poison sunk in to their systems. They were loosing the battle. I threw a stick up to him. He caught it and rushed to the nest. He swiped it several times until it was reduced to rubble. He had won.

Small Things I Miss...

2008-08-14T03:36:00.006-06:00

So far, this week has been.... ok. I have not felt the empty pain of losing my Mom quite as constant as last week. Though not a minute goes by that I'm not reminded of how much I miss her. I am beginning to forget about my sick Mom and I'm starting to crave my old Mom. The one who worked at Aaron's office and called me every day for lunch. The one who wore Crocs shoes, colorful reading glasses, and Coldwater Creek white shirts that all looked the same. The one who always wanted me to stay for dinner after helping her all day with yard work. The one who would call me every day to see how I was doing and tell me to stop working at night when I said I was tired. I miss being able to call her for advice that nobody else could give. I miss making her laugh when I'd say something stupid without thinking. I miss sitting on the floor next to her computer while she played freecell and talking her ear off about what's going on in my life (and knowing she was listening to every word.) I miss her every minute of every day. I don't know how to fill the void except to just keep busy so that's what I've been doing. That's all we can do. I hope this gets easier.

So You're Really Not Coming Back?

2008-08-08T14:57:00.004-06:00

I don't know Mom that just seems a little rude. I hope you're enjoying yourself while we're sick to death missing you. Actually the past few days haven't been too bad. Last night Megan and I went out to dinner with my Dad and had a nice evening hanging out with him. Today my sisters are helping him set up his bank accounts with the new change in his life. We also went to lunch with him. He has seemed pretty happy so far today.

This week has been scary. I can't quite explain how I've felt because it's been so inconsistent. I've never felt anything like this. I'm very uncomfortable with my life right now. I keep having anxiety attacks to the point of physical sickness. It's weird. On Monday I was really anxious about going back to work and when I got there I didn't want to be there or talk to anybody. I just wanted to do my job and go home. Tuesday was nothing but a wave of pure sadness and anger. I cried till there were no more tears. I was completely tapped out by the end of the day and I spent my time at work just thinking to myself about things other than my Mom and trying not to puke. It sucked. Wednesday was not much better and by Yesterday I was ready for a change. I want to shake my life up even more. I want a new job and a new life schedule so that my old life with my Mom will be gone completely. If I can't have my old life with my Mom, then I want a completely new life so to speak. I was slightly happier yesterday and I spent a lot of time hangin with my sister Amanda and her kids. We went to the mall for lunch so her kids could ride the carousel and then we went up to my Mom's grave. We hung out up there for probably almost an hour just talking about Mom and planning our trip to California next month. Then I went home and Meg and I went to dinner with my Dad. He was also having a better day. This week was really hard for him too. Little things remind him of how different life is. He had to fill out some paperwork at his office and for the first time in forty years he had to check the marital status box for "single." That was a heavy reminder of how permanent the situation really is.

Today has been really good. My Dad has spent it with his kids getting things done and hanging out. We are planning a trip with him next month. Meg and I had planned to go to San Diego next month for a meeting for Meg's new job with the Extradition Officials. My Dad is good friends with them so he wanted to tag along. Manda has been wanting to hit up Disneyland with her kids so we added her family to the Mix. So now we are going to make it a nice week long getaway. I'm really glad my Dad is coming with us. He needs a vacation.

I know that things will always be up and down now that Mom is gone but this week was ridiculous. Hopefully we can continue to have a good weekend and kick this week to the curb. Next week WILL be better.

My Mom's Funeral...

2008-08-05T13:42:00.005-06:00

Last week we kept really busy to produce a memorable funeral for my Mom. Dawn did an excellent job decorating the church with pictures and objects that reminded us all of the life of Kat Bean. It looked really good. On Wednesday we had a viewing and I couldn't believe the turn out. Holy cow!!! My Mom was really popular. The line stretched around the church and almost to the doors. It may have been out the doors at one point. It was about an hour and a half wait standing in that line. I saw a bunch of old friends of mine as well as some old neighbors that were great friends of my Mom and Dad. Though it was nice to see old faces, I couldn't enjoy myself. I felt very anxious all night and I just wanted to go for a drive or something.

On Thursday we had the funeral. It started with another viewing an hour before which had another huge turnout. Then we shut the doors for our final goodbyes. It was a very sad experience to know I was looking at my Mom's face for the last time. I placed her pin she received when I became an Eagle Scout in her hand and said my goodbyes. We closed the casket and the funeral began. Each of my siblings and I were asked to talk at the funeral. We each prepared a tribute for her. We gave them in chronological order starting with my oldest sister Jenn. In each of our speeches we said how we all thought of ourselves as our Mom's true best friend. It was an appropriate joke considering the fact that she was a best friend to each of us on unique and personal levels. My brother, Adam and I played the song he wrote for her in Peru. It was fun to play for a huge crowd. I don't think I've done that before. After we all delivered our tributes and the audience was nice and sad, we drove up to the cemetery. Adam dedicated the grave and we all placed our Livestrong bracelets on the casket. It was a nice day and the cemetery looked peaceful and calm. After the graveside service, we went back to the church for a lunch prepared by some ward members. By the time we were done eating we were all ready to just crash and sleep for the rest of the day. But we still had to clean up the church which brought me down. But we cleaned it fast and I went home and took a long nap. Busy day.

Thanks to everyone who came to show their support.

What's going on?

2008-08-04T21:13:00.002-06:00

Tonight has been perhaps the hardest for me. I feel like I'm homesick but I'm home. I want so much to be with my Mom. I want to hear her voice and see her. I don't get it. She's been gone for over a week but I'm now feeling the effects. She's gone and I can't grasp that concept. She's supposed to be here. I felt so sorry for my Dad when he told me he was driving home from work for the first time to his house without his wife. But now I'm about to leave for work and I want my Mom to be here when I get back. It's such a crappy thought to know that she won't be here. I hope this feeling will pass soon. I'm anxious, nervous, sick, and above all, mad. Why did this have to happen?

How Are We Doin???

2008-08-02T20:57:00.003-06:00

This has been a strange week. We have all kept very busy to keep our minds off of the harsh reality. Most of the days before Thursday were spent planning the funeral. (I'll cover how the funeral went when I get some pictures.) We took my Dad boating at Utah lake yesterday and had a ton of fun. He cruised around on the wave runners and drove the boat around. He did things I've never seen him do. I think maybe he was cuttin loose a little. We had a picnic with all the leftovers from meals people have given us. As fun as it was, Mom wasn't there and we felt it. We miss her so much. I knew we would but it's really painful. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I wanted to come home and tell Mom about my day but I couldn't.

Tonight we took Dad out to dinner. He hasn't been out to a restaurant in a long time and it was really fun for him. After dinner I asked if we could swing by Mom's grave sight. We drove up to the cemetery and immediately we missed our Mom. I just want this joke to be over and things to return to normal. The sun started to set right above her spot covered with flowers. It was really beautiful. My Dad was extremely sad but he seemed to feel at peace. We all wish we could take away his pain.

Each night is tough for me personally. My Dad is more sad in the mornings when he wakes up alone in his room. Each day we find something to do to occupy our time. We're going to be ok. It will just take some time.

We love you Mom!! We miss you!

My Mom's Obituary...

2008-07-29T09:20:00.004-06:00

Katherine Bean Dorius:

Katherine Bean Dorius 1949 ~ 2008 Kathy Dorius, 59, passed away July 27, 2008 at her home in Draper, Utah of melanoma. Born February 28, 1949 in Salt Lake City, to Ralph James and Helen Coray Bean. She graduated from Highland High School and the University of Utah with a degree in speech therapy. She loved dancing especially with the Utah Civic Ballet Company. On September 4, 1968, Kathy married her childhood sweetheart, Earl F. Dorius, in the Salt Lake LDS Temple. Together they raised four beautiful daughters who inherited their mother's love of dance, and two wonderful sons. She was an active member of the LDS Church and served in many ward and stake positions including Relief Society President, Young Women's President, Activities Chairman, and Ward Missionary. She also choreographed many church musical productions. She loved serving others. She was a speech therapist and also worked with children with special needs in the Granite and Jordan School Districts. She was the Office Manager at Aspen Ridge Dental, and served as the Executive Secretary of the Utah All-Breeds Horse Show Association and the National Association of Extradition Officials. But most of all, she loved being a stay-at-home mom while raising her six children. Kathy was the most kind and selfless person who was adored by everyone who knew her. She would do anything for her children, and each one considered her their best friend. The Dorius home was a gathering place where the children brought all of their friends. Kathy gladly hosted these gatherings and made life a party for everyone. She had the uncanny ability of remembering the name of every person she ever met, and memorizing their phone numbers. She rarely had need for a phone directory. She loved family traditions like trips to Disneyland, Balboa Beach, and the family condo in St. George, hosting brunches on Christmas morning, dinners at the Pagoda Restaurant, and the annual family pilgrimage to Payson, Utah to camp in the trailer and celebrate Onion Days every Labor Day weekend. She loved to travel, and especially enjoyed touring England and Wales where her husband had served his LDS mission. She is survived by her husband, Earl, Draper, UT; children, Jennifer Allen (Scott), Sandy, UT; Dawn Hall (Aaron), Sandy, UT; Ashley Marsee (Robert), Layton, UT; Amanda Hatch (Brett), Lehi, UT; Joshua Dorius (Megan), South Jordan, UT; and Adam Dorius, Draper, UT; sister, Barbara Bean Daly, Salt Lake; sister-in-law, Ruth Ellen Bean, and 17 grandchildren: Jessica, Tanner, Sam, Mackenzie, Mackay, Hayden, Taylor, Rustyn, Kamryn, Neil (Lynette), Chace, Dane, Jake, Jane, Tobe, and Alyson. She was preceded in death by her parents and brother Michael Coray Bean. A viewing will be held Wed., July 30, 2008, from 6-8 p.m. at the Mountain Point 5th Ward located at 400 East Stokes Avenue (13535 S.) in Draper. Funeral services will be Thurs., July 31, 2008, at 12 noon at the Mountain Point 5th Ward Chapel with a viewing beginning at 10:30 a.m. Interment at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 E. 10600 S., Sandy, Utah. Funeral director, Mike Anderson 801-580-3366. Online condolences at www.naeo@aol.com. We will miss you Mom ("Grandma Kathy"), but we are comforted by the knowledge the gospel provides that you will be near during special occasions and those special times when we need you the most.
Published in the Salt Lake Tribune from 7/29/2008 - 7/30/200

This is the picture she asked us to put on her obituary. We didn't know if people would recognize her so I decided to add it on this post.

My Mom's Letter and a Shout Out To Megan...

2008-07-28T08:18:00.003-06:00

I lost my Mom yesterday. She died very peacefully in her sleep. I can no longer go into my Mom's room and see her smile or give her a hug. That is what I am missing most right now. For so long I have missed my old Mom who was either on her computer playing freecell or cooking something for Sunday dinner. But now I just miss the Mom waiting for me in her room. Waiting for me to come and make things a little better for her. I miss taking care of her and having her rely on me. I miss rubbing her back for her and getting "ice chips" for her. I just miss her. Last night I listened to her letter to me on my ipod. I laid down on my bed, put my headphones in and listened to my Mom's soft voice talking only to me. As I laid there crying and listening I could almost feel her presence in the room with me. She has never been a touchy feely person and didn't give hugs that often. She was always a behind the scenes person. She was there and we knew it and were comforted by it but not the center of attention. That was how I felt last night. She was there, behind the scenes, to give comfort. Her letter to me was amazing. She said exactly what I needed to hear. One thing that stood out to me was how much I am like her father Ralph. We all loved Ralph and my Mom showed his best traits in her own life. My sister told me the same thing yesterday, and if I'm like Ralph, then I must be like my Mom. She said it makes her proud that I was born with his traits of kindness and generosity. That made me feel really good. I hope I never lose thos qualities. I always want to make my Mom proud. It was just really good to hear her voice once more.

After I was done I turned to Megan for comfort. My Mom told her that she will do a good job of taking over to comfort me. She does. I love my wife so much. She has been so helpful with everything. She left our home in South Jordan that she loves so much to come move into my Parents' house and help take care of my Mom. I don't think that I've "built Megan's legend" enough in these posts but I want everyone to know how awesome she is. My Mom called her an angel sent to help. She really is. She wiped my tears and helped me to relax so I could get some sleep after the longest and worst day of my life. I slept throughout the whole night.

Today has been busy with funeral planning so we have been distracted enough to let ourselves get too sad. But those moments will come where we will have to turn to the stronger ones of the moment and find some comfort. But hopefully we will just be able to feel our Mom's presence encouraging us to stand up and keep going.

My Morning...

2008-07-27T10:47:00.003-06:00

"Josh?? Megan???" I heard my Dad saying in the hallway. His voice was shaky and he seemed to be in a sense of panic. My eyes opened not fully able to grasp what was happening. I rubbed my eyes and sat up as my Dad was walking toward our bedroom and then he said, "I think she's gone." This was followed by many tears and sobs. I jumped out of bed and ran to my Mom's room while my Dad went downstairs to get Adam. Megan and I peeked into her bedroom and saw my Mom sitting in her chair with her head down. She looked like she has been for the last week. Nothing out of the ordinary. My Dad must be wrong. "Mom?" I said walking toward her. "Mom can you hear me?" I sat down beside her and rubbed her shoulder. "Mom???" She didn't wake up. Her eyes did not open. Her head did not lift up. For some reason I could have sworn that I saw her breathing. Maybe I just wanted to see it and my eyes were playing a trick on me but I didn't want to believe what was happening. My Dad came into the room and said "I just can't tell!! It looks like she's breathing." Megan grabbed the little device my Mom puts on her finger to check her heart rate and oxygen level. She placed it on my Mom's finger and waited for a sign. It kept reading blank. No heart beat. No oxygen. It was true. it was happening. The day had finally come. My Mom was gone.

My Dad called my sisters and, one by one they came over. They each hugged my Dad and each other. Everyone was crying and talking but I couldn't get my brain to catch up. I don't know exactly what was said but it was mostly about the signs of her leaving us the day before. Nobody liked to see her in the wheelchair. We have all wanted her to be able to lay down for so long and we were going to give that to her. We lifted her out of the chair and placed her on her bed. I cradled her head and felt how loose it was on her neck and I think that was when it hit me. This is not my Mom. This is a body my Mom once used. She looked so different. The hospice nurse came over and changed her into some clean clothes and prepared her for all of us to come say a final goodbye in her home. Her sister Barb came over to say her goodbyes as well. When it was my turn to say goodbye I held her hand. It was cold. I leaned down and gave her one last hug and kissed her head. I told her how much I loved her and how much I'll miss her. I broke down after that and curled up on my bed and just cried for my Mom. I want my Mom back. Jenn's neighbor who is a mortician came over to take her away to the mortuary.

This house has one less person now. I can no longer go hang out with my Mom. I can no longer take care of her or ask her for advice. I feel numb and mad and alone.

Kat Bean passed away sometime around 5:00 AM on Sunday Morning, July 27, 2008. We will miss her so much and life will not be the same without her. Please leave a comment or a memory of her if you wish to.

Her viewing will be this Wednesday from 6 to 8 PM. The funeral will have a viewing at 11:00 and the funeral will start at 12:00.

My Mom Is Gone

2008-07-27T06:52:00.002-06:00

My Mom passed away this morning. I'll have details later but thought everyone should know....

Tender Goodbyes And A Few Smiles...

2008-07-26T21:46:00.004-06:00

My Mom as I knew her is gone. Last tuesday I said all my goodbyes and cried with her and said all the things that I needed to say and hear what I needed to hear from her- well, I'm glad that I was able to do all that then. It just wouldn't be possible to do that now. I will always remember that night as the night I really lost my Mom. Physically, she is still with us but mentally, she is no longer the Mom I once had. Perhaps she sensed that her mind was on the edge and decided to jump the gun on saying goodbye to us. She has always been a "plan ahead" person.

Today I woke up and went into her room to find her sitting in her chair with her eyes closed and Dawn rubbing her feet. She looked relaxed and content but she didn't look like Kat Bean anymore. I could tell that she was no longer going to respond to a conversation if I wanted to start one. She would occasionally look up to see who was in her room with her. But then she would return to her hunched over position breathing heavy, drawn out breaths. That was how she was all day. As the day went by she went with it. Slowly winding down. Saying "Ok" to herself every now and then. Just off in her own world and we weren't allowed in. But occasionally she would snap back into the present and she would talk to us. I remember my Dad walking into the room and sitting in a recliner chair across the room from my Mom. She sat up, opened her eyes and looked directly at him. He smiled to her, and she smiled back with a sense of comfort and familiarity. Then she put her head back down and shut her eyes once more.

We have decided to stop giving her steroids which will mean she will no longer be able to communicate. Today may have been the last time that I could say "I love you" to my Mom and hear her say it back to me. I hope not. I hope tomorrow morning I walk into her room and make her smile at least one more time. But I'll keep wishing for that every day and I need to accept that this is it.

(This is funny but kind of gross. I wasn't going to include this in my post but it's too funny.)

Today I lied down on my Mom's bed next to her chair. She looked like she was asleep. I felt a gas bubble in my stomach and thought it was a burp.... it wasn't. I totally ripped one next to my Mom. I looked over at her hoping she didn't hear it. She slowly raised her head and turned to me half opening her eyes. Then she shot me a smirk. My fear of waking her up was replaced with laughter. "Some things never change huh Mom." Dawn said from the other side of the room observing our little moment. My Mom has always thought flatulence are funny. Even during these sad and painful times, her personality and humor creeps up to remind us that she is our Mom. She put her head back down and I could tell she was chuckling under her breath. Not a very tender last memory of my Mom but we have always kept humor in our relationship.

Another Huge Blow: Things Are Getting Strange....

2008-07-25T21:19:00.004-06:00

What happened? I'm still trying to recover from the other night and now life is throwing new crap at me. My Mom is still here with us, but not really anymore. Her body is still too strong to die but her mind has sort of left us. There's no more laughter, there's hardly any more smiles, she just seems miserable and quiet. She is starting to get a little confused also and her wit is slowly winding down. She needs help with just about everything now and I can tell that she is still ashamed of it. She has told me (back when she just needed help putting her socks on) that "You lose your dignity when you are pregnant and when you get cancer." Meaning she'll need help but she won't care. Well, she does care. My Mom has never been one to complain or ask for help. But now she really needs help and the look of shame on her face is so heartbreaking to see. She is embarrassed to be lifted by her sons and husband to get out of her chair. She is embarrassed to have us pick up a spoon of ice she dropped because her hand is getting useless. She is humiliated. She still hates to have all the attention on her. But as her children, we all want to help her. We can't wait to be the ones to get her some water or help her into bed or massage her feet. We couldn't have asked for a better Mom and we certainly got the best. She has been there for us and raised us into good, caring people and now, it's our turn. We would do anything for her, and in these few days we have left with her, we get to do everything for her. I know she doesn't want us to, but she and we both know that she needs us to. Plus whether she finds comfort in it or not, it is our privilege to be able to help such a great person.

We had a chat with her hospice nurse and we are going to change her medications to help her be relaxed, a little less miserable, and perhaps give her what she wants most right now, no matter how painful that will be for us. I know that not all of these dying moments were going to be tender and peaceful. I know they told me it might get rough and emotions will be thrown to the curb and then lifted again only to be thrown back down but I wasn't prepared for this. I need a little time to catch my breath. But we are strong. We'll hold our own. We are ready to serve no matter what the day might bring...

We love you Mom!

She's Still Fighting Whether She Wants To Or Not...

2008-07-25T02:37:00.005-06:00

As things start to wind down in my Mom's life, acceptance is beginning to set in for everyone. We all want what my Mom wants. And she just wants to be released. She still gets out of bed everyday and wants her children around. The hospice nurse told her that she is actually still fighting to stay alive because she won't just stay in bed. The fact that she still wants to join us everyday says that she is not ready to die. She actually may still have a few more weeks. This news brought my Mom down. But we all kind of laughed at how ridiculous that sounds. We spend each day just hanging out in her room. Although today she spent most of the time in a different bedroom so she could look outside into her front yard. She wanted to see her nephews, Tanner and Sam, in the 24th of July parade. (To those not from Utah: It's sort of like independence day, but for the state of Utah.) She liked the change of scenery so she stayed in that room all day. I once again left her, it was my wife's and my wedding anniversary yesterday so we went out on a date. But my sisters told me that she did her usual routine of sitting with her eyes closed, smiling and listening to her kids talk. I came home and hung out with her til we said family prayers and then I helped her into bed again. I said goodnight and left for work. Now I am home and still, she is with us and we are all very grateful for each day we get with her....even if she isn't very happy about it. : )

The other night my brother Adam and I played the song he wrote for her. She loves to listen to it. He is a great song writer.

Mom's Talking!! But Saying Goodbye...

2008-07-23T12:44:00.003-06:00

(Sorry everybody. I'm posting this so late because the internet is down at my parents house. It will be fixed today hopefully. I drove to my house to post this. It's long, sorry again.)

Waiting.... that's where we are. We are just waiting for the inevitable to happen and my Mom is anxiously looking forward to it. She didn't say much today. She spent the whole day in her wheelchair in the same spot with her eyes closed surrounded by her children. I couldn't tell if she was quietly bothered by all of us or if she was just enjoying our company silently, but nevertheless, we hung around her and we weren't going to leave her. I didn't really say anything to her all day. I could have been somewhere else for all she knew but I stayed in her room just to be close to her. I used to sit and talk to my Mom all day. This was when she had energy for things like doing yard work or driving a car or carrying a conversation. Now she doesn't even have the energy to pick up a small styrofoam cup of water. As the day slowly drifted into night I noticed a little bit of life in her start to show itself. All of my sisters left and she began to talk to me. She wasn't necessarily being her perky positive self, but her unmistakeable humor was there to disguise the negative undertones of what she was saying. "Now, if you pray tonight to keep me alive for another day, I'm going to be very ticked off at you." She said. "OK Mom. But don't expect me to sneak into your room tonight and smother you with a pillow either." I replied with a smile, fully understanding how appalling this conversation was, but enjoying the rare opportunity to joke around with my Mom once again. "Oh come on!" She said with a bratty whine. I laughed really hard at this. But deep down I was... and wasn't surprised at how well my Mom was handling the situation. Who else could joke like this? Only a descendent of Ralph Bean could be this witty so close to the end. (Ralph is my Mom's dad and those who knew him could agree on this.)

We talked like this for a little while til it was time for her to go to bed. I could tell she was dreading this. She always does. My Dad and I placed her footstool next to the bed and wheeled her over. We helped her out of her chair and as I held her back so she wouldn't fall, my Dad lifted her feet onto the stool. From there we lifted her onto the bed sitting upright. Then I pulled her up while my Dad lifted her legs up one by one and we pivoted her into her pillows that were placed properly so she would be sitting upright in bed. This whole process takes everything out of her and it kills me to hear each painful moan pass her lips as she is pulled and pushed by my Dad and I. But in the end it's all worth it to see her in her own bed relaxed and comfortable.

We gave her her pills but none of us could say goodnight yet. She had a strong feeling that tonight would be "The Night." We started to talk again. "How do you do it Mom? How are you handling all of this so well? You never complain or whine." I said. "I don't want to be remembered as a complainer. I hope you won't remember me that way." She replied. She hasn't complained at all. At least not that I've heard. Just then my sisters, Ashley and Amanda walked in. They joined us for a nice talk with my Mom. I think they were a little surprised to see her talking so much. She said she hoped that her parents and brother would come get her tonight. We all started to cry. I checked the clock and realized that I should have left for work by now, but this was too important to walk away from, especially for work. I left the room to call my boss to tell her I'd be a little late. When I returned, my sisters, Dad, and wife Megan were all in the hallway outside my Mom's room. They were crying and talking to my Dad. I knew that they had said goodnight to my Mom already. So I slowly walked in and there was my Mom smiling at me. She looked so beautiful. I thought that this might be my last time talking to my Mom. This thought brought many tears and no use holding back now. I ran to her and gave her the biggest hug I've ever given her. She whispered into my ear, "I love you so much Joshie. You have been the best son and I'm so proud of you. Please don't be sad." I couldn't help it though. I WAS sad. My Mom means so much to me. I'll never fully be ready to let her go. I told her how much I loved her and how I'll miss her everyday. She squeezed my hand and with tears rolling down her cheek she said, "I'll miss you too, Josh." I hugged her again and began to walk away but I couldn't let go of her hand. I finally did though and said goodnight.

I drove to work with a clear mind. I love my Mom but I know that she is ready to go. And if she's OK with it, then I am too. I kept looking to the sky watching the lightning in the distance and I said a prayer for comfort for myself. Something I haven't asked for yet. Now I'm home from work, it's 3:14 AM, and so far so good. My Mom was sure about tonight but we all know it's not up to her. Even if we did jump the gun with our goodbyes, it still feels good to get a chance to say them. I feel at peace with the whole situation tonight. Maybe I am starting to receive the comfort I asked for.

I wrote this after work last night. Just a quick update, Mom is still here.

Mondays Always Get Me Down...

2008-07-22T01:39:00.004-06:00

I spent a lot of time in my Mom's room tonight with Adam, Dad, Steph, and Megan. We just sat around and reminisced about old times like when Adam and I were in elementary school while my Mom worked there. We had some good memories there with her. I was thinking about how much Mom was there for me growing up. Even in school I knew she was just down the hallway if I needed her. That was comforting to know. I used to go hang out in her office every now and then after lunch and we'd just talk and she'd sometimes give me her students' candy. : ) Working at my school, she knew all of my friends well, so they were all very comfortable with her at home. She was sort of our friend as well. Our house was the place to hang out and my Mom loved having us over. She'd always keep us fed and entertained. This kind of relationship with her grew from there. We have always been close friends. I could hang out with my Mom all day. She is so entertaining. She has an amazing laugh that is very contagious.

When she was working at Aaron's office she would call me at around 11:00, (keeping in mind that I worked the night before til 4 in the morning) and she would ask me if I wanted to go to lunch with her. Even though I was tired and sore and a few more hours of sleep sounded great, lunch with my Mom sounded much better. I would hurry and shower, get dressed, and drive as fast as I legally could to go pick her up. She would always make me choose where to eat though she'd sometimes hint at places she would prefer. We did this almost every day. Sometimes just my Mom and I, but usually with my sisters too. I miss doing that so much. Her favorite place to go was El Rancho Grande or referred to my Mom as "The Icky Mexican Place."

I miss talking to her about stuff other than how she is feeling or what she needs. She must be so bored these days. Today she seemed really down. She just couldn't find anything to be positive about. But it's hard to be positive under these circumstances. Her sister Barb came by today and she always cheers my Mom up. But other than that she kept quiet with a sad face all day. I feel so bad for her. I know she is deep down afraid to die but she seems really sick of life too. I know there's nothing I can do to save her but I just want her to at least enjoy her life while she has it. It was my turn say the family prayer tonight and all I could think to pray for was happiness for my Mom. I hope I can help to make her happier. I try to sit and talk with her and joke with her but it's hard to make her laugh these days. I miss her laugh so much. Hopefully it was just a bad day and tomorrow she'll feel some happiness.

I was looking through old pictures of my Mom. I don't have too many but these are a few good ones I found.

One of the many trips to Payson for the annual "Onion Days" celebration. We always camp on a golf course. It's weird, but hey, so are we.

My Mom hates having her picture taken so she hurried and covered her face before I took this picture but it turned out funny.

My wedding. She looked so beautiful that day. She let me use her backyard for the wedding and reception. It was awesome.

I like the face she's making in this one. It just looks like my Mom being funny. This was last Christmas.

Sunday Parties...

2008-07-21T10:53:00.005-06:00

I am still recovering from last night. I had another little melt down after helping my Mom into bed. First of all She had a huge day. It was another big family party for Adam's, Aly's and Steph's birthday. Adam made a huge feast for us. Carne Asada! It was awesome. Then we had a piñata for the little kids. It was fun. We wheeled my Mom out to the hall again for dinner. She stayed there all night and though she is in a lot of discomfort, she doesn't let it stop her from spending time with the people she loves. After the party was over and the night was winding down, we said a family prayer and everyone left.

Happy Birthday Aly

Kami smashing the piñata

Mom chillin with her daughters

After the party we helped her into her bed. I love to do this for her but I hate to watch her struggle. She decided to walk from her bathroom to the bed because getting in and out of the wheelchair is too much of an ordeal. But walking for her isn't much better. Her whole lower half is so swollen. Her stomach, legs and feet have become too big for any comfort. She has to take tiny steps and and the look of pain is so apparent in her face with each step. My Dad and I helped her into bed but it's so hard for her and it took a little longer than usual. When we finally got her in an upright position she could barely catch her breath. She was in a lot of pain. Megan gave her a hug and said good night. I just stood there and the tears in my eyes were too much to fight back. "Oh Mom??" was all I could say as a ran to hug her and that feeling came over me again where I felt like a little kid whose Mom is leaving them with a babysitter or something and in their little minds they think "I'm never going to see Mom again!!!" And they cry and cling to her and never want to let go. I remember doing that as a child but I never thought I'd feel that again in my twenties. I hugged her forever and just kept saying, "Mom I don't want you to die. Please don't die...." She responded without pain in her voice anymore but with motherish comfort, "I don't want to die either Josh, but I have to and I'm really sorry but you'll be OK." I couldn't let go. This time my tears were all over her shirt. I cleared my head and let her go. I said goodnight and left her with my Dad who was now crying. I crashed on my bed.

This Is Where We Are, "Shut Up And Like It!"

2008-07-20T10:22:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was OK. It started out the same as always with my Mom tired and down. She had some visitors throughout the day but she couldn't quite perk up. I think she had her eyes closed most of the day. I can tell that she's tired of this. We all are. But later on into the evening she started to feel a little better. Jenn came over to give her a foot massage. This was the only sense of relief I could see in her face all day. I helped her into bed which is just harder and harder (for her) every day. She keeps apologizing to my Dad and I when we do this but it's not hard for us at all but that just shows that she is still my Mom. She always worries about others before herself. She rules.

My Mom with the Tate family. She always talks about how much she loves her aunt Dianne and uncle Chuck.

I keep hoping for good days again but she continues to wear out more and more. She's so burned out by the end of the day with not much to burn in the first place so it's understandable. I'm just grateful to spend time with her. Every day that she is here IS a good day.

Burned Out On Cancer...

2008-07-19T03:20:00.003-06:00

I wasn't home with my Mom much today but I still can't get over how I felt tonight. I'm mad. I'm really mad at cancer. I hate it. It sucks the life out of everything it touches. It just sucks, period. I know lately I have been posting about how blessed I have been because of it, but right now, I don't care. I hate cancer! But I think I'm allowed to feel this way every once in a while. This is my personal journal after all. So this is how I'm feeling tonight I guess.

Wait, I'll back up and do a quick update.... My Mom is sick. That's all I got. And I still don't know why. She isn't supposed to be the weak one in my family. She has always been so strong. She was so tired today. She did have a great visit from the Tate family which always makes her happy but other than that she just seemed brought down. She seems like she is just tired of living every day like this and who can blame her? It's not fun to sit in a wheelchair parked in the same spot all day. I can't believe this is happening. But what surprises me even more is how normal this is now. Sometimes I need to step back and just think for a minute, "I'm losing my Mom. I'm not OK with this, am I?" The answer is always "NO!" But why have I adjusted so quickly? I feel guilty for doing so and I worry that I'm forcing her out of my life already. I don't mean to. She is and has been the most important person in my life and I really don't want to let her go.

Tonight I helped her get into her bed. She can't lift her feet up anymore and my Dad and I have to basically lift her feet up and move her body into a sitting upright position so she can breathe and every day this gets harder for her. Tonight she started to cry and asked in a 'give up' tone, "How much longer can I live like this?" It's surreal to hear my Mom talk like this. She isn't a quitter. She never has been. I hugged her and told her that I love to help her and I want to continue to do so if she'll hang around a little longer for me. She hugged me tighter and for the first time ever, I felt my Mom's tear drop on my shoulder. It soaked through my shirt and felt cold against my skin. I don't know if this tear represented fear, pain, sadness or all of the above, but it made me feel mad. I left for work with tears of rage. I hate this disease so much. I kept thinking, "My Mom shouldn't be crying those kind of tears. She shouldn't be weak, in pain, uncomfortable. She should be happy, laughing, free to roam her house on her feet, going out to dinner, going to Payson with her family, going on movie dates with my Dad, working at Aaron's office, going to NAEO conferences, singing, going to church, playing with her grandkids, sleeping laying down, living..."

I know that this whole situation has brought countless blessings and a lot of good has come from it but every now and then I just need to look at it from a different angle and get out my anger. It is, after all, the worst thing that has happened to us. And in some ways, the best. Thanks for letting me rant.

PAGODA'S!!

2008-07-18T01:02:00.003-06:00

Today Mom was feeling tired. She didn't get a whole lot of sleep the night before so she spent most of the morning catching up. She finished her letters to her children with Ashley and then took a few naps. We decided to have a huge family dinner for Adam's birthday and we thought we should get Mom's favorite food. It has been a tradition in our family to go to the Pagoda (or Pagoda's according to us) for special occasions. It's also a secret tradition for my Mom to take her kids there for dinner every time my Dad is out of town. (Sorry Dad.) The owners of the restaurant are good friends of my parents and they have always treated us well. We all love their food but my Mom thinks that it is simply the best. We called in a huge order so Adam and I went to pick it up. We had a nice talk with Jody, who runs the restaurant and she couldn't believe the news about my Mom. She is very nice. Then we took the food home to everyone (including my aunt, Ruth Ellen) waiting for us. They set up a big table in the hallway outside my Mom's bedroom with a table cloth and everything. Since she can't come down stairs anymore, we brought the dinner table to her. It looked very fancy. It was just like we were at a restaurant. We wheeled Mom out to the head of the table and she looked so happy to finally leave her bedroom (which she hasn't for about a week.) We ate a ton. Mom was so happy to have her favorite meal at an actual dinner table with her family. After dinner we all said good night and left Mom feeling great. It was another good day.

That was fun Mom. Keep the good days coming!

Another Good Day...

2008-07-16T20:49:00.004-06:00

Today was another good one. I woke up at seven to go help my Mom with her letters. She wants to write letters for her kids and my Dad but she can't write them herself because of the tumor in her hand, so we decided to have her speak into a recorder for us, which in my opinion is better. I went into her room and she said "Let's sleep in til about nine." I said, "I don't know Mom, I already got 3 hours of sleep it might be hard to get a few more..." Yeah we were both out cold two seconds later. We woke up and after I figured out the mp3 player/recorder we started to record her letters. She started with my Dad's and it was very hard for me to listen to but I am so glad that I could hear it. We will always have the files on our computers, but I will always have the memory of sitting with her alone and listening to her recording the messages to her kids and husband. It was cool. She was a little sleepy for most of the morning but then she took her medication (which I think we have finally figured out) and she started to perk up. She enjoyed more family company and foot massages all day. We had our usual routine of eating dinner in her room with her. After dinner she asked for another blessing. This was cool because it was her first one with just her boys. Adam, Dad and I gave her the blessing, said family prayer and said good night. She looked very content with life and told us that, this desease has brought her what she loves the most...relaxing with her family.

Today I found Jenn rubbing my Mom's feet and Tobe rubbing Jenn's feet. It was funny.

Mom's Back!

2008-07-16T03:01:00.004-06:00

Alright everybody, brace yourselves.........Today was awesome! I don't know what happened but it's as though someone charged the batteries in my Mom and now she works again. She was Mom again! She stayed in her room as usual but the way she was talking and laughing and smiling was different. She had energy.

I woke up at 11:00 thinking, "Dang I slept in late!" So I hurried to my Mom's room to find her talking with Dawn and Amanda. I could already tell that she was feeling different. The tone of defeat was gone. They had a good conversation about life and important things and I just sat and listened and even though they were crying, I couldn't help but enjoy how good she sounded. This energy lasted throughout the day. She had a lot of visitors but they didn't wear her out. Her sister-in-law, Ruth Ellen came by and I listened as they laughed together about old times. Then her sister Barb stopped by and had dinner with us and still, Mom felt great. When the time came to say good night, my Mom volunteered to say a family prayer and the whole thing was about how grateful she is. She was just so positive. I was amazed at how incredible my Mom is. Through all of this, she can still feel grateful and happy. I'll never forget how relieved I felt to see a genuine smile on my Mom's face tonight. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the extra steroid she took. But I really hope these kind of days continue.

Keep smiling Mom! We all need it.

A Restful Day in Kat Bean's Room...

2008-07-15T03:21:00.003-06:00

I just got home from a terrible night of work that completely brought me down but I can still say that today was a good day. I was awakened by my wife Megan at about 7:00 AM. She told me to go stay with my Mom in her room in case she needed help. I obeyed my orders and Megan finished getting ready for work. When she came in to say goodbye to us, we were both passed out. I woke up a few times to help my Mom to the bathroom but we both pretty much slept til about 10:30. I remember thinking it was a bummer that I missed "The Price is Right" when i woke up. I helped my Mom with a few more things like brushing her teeth and plunging the toilet but soon the house was full again and my sisters came to help Mom in their unique ways. Dawn helped her write some birthday cards and took more notes from what the hospice nurse was saying, Jenn gave her another long foot massage, and Amanda helped me run some errands for her. I, again, was in and out of the house and when I was home, I was really sleepy so I missed out on some good "Mom time" but that's ok. She was tired for most of the day but seemed content and at peace. No anxiety or depression. It was a good day.

For some reason this morning brought me back to about a month ago, when I would just sit, talk, and sometimes nap, one-on-one, with my Mom. I loved that. Even though I wasn't doing much, she knew that I was there for her. I felt like I was helping a little. Now that things are different and time is all we have, it seems that everybody wants a peice for themselves. Visitation has increased and my sisters are doing all they can to help out and get some time in. I just feel so lucky that I got so much time for myself in the beginning. I want all my sisters and my Brother to feel that way with her if they haven't already. I'll even take their kids from them for a few hours if they want. (Yeah I said it. Hold me to it. I'm not afraid.) I hope they all know how much I love them. They have helped me through this crappy time and I really appreciate everything they do. Well, this computer screen is getting blurry and that oxygen machine behind me is putting me to sleep so I think I'm done. Thanks again to everybody.

Seems Like Old Times.....Almost.

2008-07-14T10:40:00.003-06:00

Mom felt pretty good yesterday. We had another full house all day but Mom remained happy and looked very peaceful. Even though it's a huge crowd, Mom loves her family. She lets us wear her out. It must be stressful with all these kids around her but maybe the stress gets her mind off other things... like stupid cancer.

We all spent the day just hangin at the house. My sisters stayed in her room all day with her. She had a lot of visitors. Her old friends the Bengtzens and the Stewarts came to see her. She loves them a lot. We probably won't be able to get her to come downstairs anymore but that's ok. We like being in her (freezing) room with her. We showed her the video from the horse show dedication and she was very touched. Everyone cried with her as she watched it. Then her granddaughter Jessica played her a song that she wrote for her. It was awesome. She's a great song writer and piano player. Even though we are just sitting around doing nothing with our Mom, we often forget to make dinner, but these days, that's not a problem. Her neighborhood has been so great to us and our freezers are fully stocked with meals. So we picked one out and threw it together. Very convenient. After dinner we hung out some more and Mackenzie, another granddaughter, painted her toenails. We had a great evening. Then we had a family prayer and said good night. It was a big day but I caught my Mom laughing the way she used to a couple of times and I've really missed that. These great days are such a blessing but they remind me of how much I really really miss my old life. Thank you all so much for everything.

A Strange Saturday with Bikes and Horses...

2008-07-13T11:59:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I woke up hoping to get Mom out of her room to see if a change of scenery would help her. No such luck though. She doesn't want to leave her bedroom. She had a visit from her good friends, Dan and Marie Poulson in the morning and another visit from the Tate family later in the afternoon, and then spent most of the day snoozing, visiting with friends and family, or just relaxing.

I hardly saw my Mom at all yesterday. I felt like a jerk. I went for a bike ride in Corner Canyon that took a little longer than I thought it would. I'm not very fast though. I'm still just a noob. It was awesome though. My friends and brother-in-law, Brett came with me and it was really fun and a nice break from the house. I was really stinky when I got home.

After my bike ride I went with all of my sisters to the horse show. My Mom has had many jobs but none of us can figure out why she has worked for the Utah All Breeds Horse Association since she is scared of horses. We have loved helping her throughout the years with each show though. Last night they put together a very nice dedication for her. Two of my sisters, Amanda and Ashley took my Mom's job when she quit a couple years ago so they were in the dedication.... on horses. We all laughed when we first heard it but after seeing them on a horse I was very glad they did it. It wasn't funny to me at all, it was cool. My mom would have loved it. They said a few nice words for her and had a moment of silence. It's really cool to see that there are hundreds more people who care about my Mom. I sometimes forget just how popular she is.

My Mom's friends The Poulsons

Me on my bike ride.

Amanda and Ashley on horses. Good job guys. That was sweet!

So far today she has felt a little better than yesterday. I hope this continues.

Cheer Up Mom...

2008-07-12T04:05:00.004-06:00

Today was another restful day for my Mom. I think she's winding down and her days spent walking to her office or downstairs are dwindling. She's spending the whole day in her room in bed or in a wheelchair and I think it's bringing her down. It's definitely bringing me down. I think it's about time I built an escalator for this house so she can still come downstairs. Why not? I got time.

It's getting more and more real that my Mom is weakening. Each day it seems she is more tired and her mood isn't great. Today she had some good visitors which helped keep her happy but we can all see it in her eyes that she is anxious and maybe even a little depressed and I think it's because she feels stuck in her bedroom. Hopefully she can muster up enough strength tomorrow to get a change of scenery. One thing that makes her happy these days is a nice foot massage. Since she can't recline or put her feet up, due to pressure in her lungs, her legs and feet are starting to swell up. So it soothes her to have a foot rub and her kids and grandkids have no problem helping her out. Her grandson, Tobe gave her one the other day and thought it was really fun. He's such a sweet kid who genuinely loves his "Magga!"

My Mom's hospice nurse "Valorie" (her name is actually Andrea but my Mom keeps calling her Valorie for some reason : ) came over today to check up on her and, though I'm glad she doesn't sugar coat anything, gave us news that was... discouraging. She asked us what was more important; Quality of life? Or time? We'd like both please. 10 years at least with no pain, discomfort, or weakness. Is that OK? Can we have that? I know that it's good to prepare for reality of the present but I'm still kind of holding out for that miracle. I know, I know, my mood is up and down like I'm bipolar or something but I'll never give up that little shred of hope I've been carrying with me and Mom.... keep praying for that miracle too. : )

Venting Again...

2008-07-11T01:15:00.001-06:00

Another rough day today. I woke up and made my way to my Mom's room and I could already feel the stress and tension in the air. My Mom was having a small panic attack trying to get all of her work done. Like arranging bank accounts for my Dad and extradition training for Megan. She just wouldn't calm down so Dawn, Adam and I helped her with everything she needed and I think it helped because she was calm enough to take a nap shortly after. When she woke up she felt a little better. She spent the rest of her day in her room relaxing. She had a few visitors and kept her strength to visit with them. After dinner, my Dad and Adam hung out with her and they sang and played songs on guitar for her. This was meant to cheer her up but Megan, my sister Ashley (who's staying with us for the week), and I soon found them all crying. My brother lead us all in a family prayer which was very emotional for everybody and then we said good night.

I hate that I can just live my life normally while one of my most loved, cherrished, and influential persons in my life is stuck in her room in pain. I've never felt anything like this. Constant guilt mixed with unfulfilled agony from not being able to help her. I broke down again today. I have never prayed too often in my life but today I decided that the Lord and I needed to have a little chat. I told him that I was sorry we haven't been on the best of terms lately but I needed a favor. I told him that I NEED my Mom to stay here with me. To help me. I'm not done going to her for help and I plan on being a father soon and she could really come in useful for guidance. I told him that she has been one of my best friends and my life will feel a little empty without her. Then I told him that I know he's in control of the situation and as desperate as I am for her to stay, the most important thing I could ask for was that my Mom not die painfully. "Take her quietly." I think I said. This was all about fifteen minutes ago and I'm still bawling like a little turd but it feels good to care about somebody like this. I just want to ask everyone who reads this blog to pray for the same thing I did tonight. If we can't keep her then let's let her go peacefully. I don't want my Mom to hurt anymore. She's way too important to me and I think that God loves me enough to grant me this small wish no matter how I've lived my life. Thanks again to everybody for all your help. Mom keeps saying the biggest blessing from this situation is seeing how good people really are. Thanks again.

A Strange New Attitude...

2008-07-10T04:50:00.003-06:00

Today was good. My Mom took another easy day with a lot of rest and down time. I spent most of my day in and out of the house so I didn't spend a whole lot of time with her but when I was with her, her mood seemed up and her energy was good. She took a long nap in the middle of the day and my sisters spent the most of the day with her. Even by the end of the day she was still happy and energetic. I like when she feels good. We all feel a little less stressed.

Today I went to Orem to paint. I've been hired to paint a castle on a wall for a little girl and I was finally able to get out there and work on it. While I was painting, something happened to me and I suddenly decided that this whole "give up" attitude has to go. The mood of everyone lately has a general undertone of defeat. I guess I'm just fed up with it. After all, my Mom doesn't have to die yet. She could still be healed. Why not? Stranger things have happened. I went back home from painting with the thought that she might just be back to normal. She wasn't when I got there but these things take time. I guess what I'm getting at is we shouldn't lose hope just yet. If we're supposed to actually believe in things like a senile old man gathering up two of every animal on the planet (including cobras) and fitting them all on a boat, then we should believe that these tumors in my Mom's body can simply dissapear. Like I said, stranger things HAVE happened and I'm not ready to abandon hope for her yet. After all, she is my Mom and I won't lose her without a good fight. She's worth it.

She Made It!!!

2008-07-08T21:13:00.003-06:00

Another day another party. Today Mom woke up feeling like she did yesterday; unable to fully wake up. She spent the morning with a few of her kids. Manda came to clean the house and Dawn came to get my Mom ready for her day. Adam and I just hung around. (I guess we helped a little too.) My Mom wanted to have a good amount of energy for the day because today was a big day. My Mom's goal for a while has been to be able to go to the Temple to see Ashley get sealed to her husband Robert. Mom took an extra "green pill" (steroid) to give her an added boost of energy and I'd say it worked pretty well.

My Mom was a little nervous to leave the house but we pushed her just enough to make it. Adam and I helped her into the car and drove her to the Temple. She got out of the car with all of her family and a few friends there to help and with everyone's support, she did it! She accomplished her goal! She got to see her daughter get sealed! After it was over we all went back to the house and had a nice dinner party with everyone to celebrate the occasion. My Mom stayed happy and energetic the whole time. Her sister Barbara dropped by for a visit and she and my Mom had fun remembering old times. When it was over we helped her upstairs (the usual routine) and put her to bed. It was a great day.

Just when I think my emotions are smoothing out, they start to roller coaster again. Yesterday I was really discouraged. I want my Mom to stay with me forever and there are days where I'm just grasping to every minute with her. But then there are days like today where I know she is doing alright. I hope tomorrow she has a nice restful day and some good down time.

What Do We Do Now?

2008-07-07T23:34:00.004-06:00

Today started out rough. My Mom seemed to be exhausted all morning and afternoon and she just couldn't keep her eyes open. Our friends the Tylers came over and brought us lunch which was really nice. My Mom loves to visit with them. Debby Tyler is her best friend and when she comes to visit my Mom seems a little happier. My sisters got to hang out with their old friends too so it turned out to be a nice little party. After lunch my Mom's hospice nurse stopped by to check on her and gave us a few new suggestions to give her more energy. We decided that my Mom has pushed herself a little too hard the last few days and needs a little down time. We helped her into bed and my sister, Jenn gave her a foot and leg massage which made her feel nice and relaxed. She fell asleep and had a nice nap for a few hours. She woke up feeling great but she decided to stay in bed for the rest of the day which we were all fine with. I think she had a good enough rest so she should be able to go to the Temple tomorrow to see her daughter, Ashley get sealed to her husband. I hope tomorrow will be a good day. I'm sure it will.

Family Photos

2008-07-07T09:11:00.005-06:00

The pattern is back. One day is good, the next is bad. Yesterday Mom didn't feel great. She was tired all day. She also seemed a little down. But who could blame her? I'm brought down by all of this and I'm not the one who's sick. My Mom woke up and just couldn't find any energy to hold on to all day.

My Brother, Dad and I arranged for her to take the sacrament at home since she can't go to church. It was nice and she seemed very happy. Then her bishop and stake president gave her a blessing which helped her to feel a little better. My whole family did a fast for her so they came over at around 6:00 to break it. We had dinner and then we had family pictures taken in our front yard which turned out to be an all dayer. My Mom patiently waited while all of us had individual family pictures taken, then we brought her out to the front porch for the photos with her. We got some good ones and I'm excited to receive them. After we were done with pictures we had cake and everyone packed up their kids to go home. We took my Mom back up to her bedroom and had a family prayer with everyone. It was very emotional but it was good for all of us to be there. We said good night and my Mom went to bed.

I hate that I'm getting used to this. This isn't how life should be. We shouldn't have to worry about the smallest things like being a little tired. But my Mom's mood now affects all of us and if she's not happy, we worry. I just feel awful every time I watch her climb her stairs every night. It's such a struggle for her. I've heard time and time again that this is the Lord's will but I just can't see myself ever finding it acceptable to say goodbye to my Mom. But she keeps living every day and never seems to regret anything. She keeps loving life and that makes me happier than anything right now. Everything else just seems petty. Keep going Mom! You are a trooper!

Kat Bean Spotted at Utah Lake?

2008-07-06T08:40:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was great!!! I woke up and went into my Mom's room to check on her and she was sitting up in bed smiling (not from the drugs) and I already knew that she was feeling better. She ate breakfast and took her medications at good times so that her day wouldn't have too many ups and downs. The whole day was pretty smooth for her.

After breakfast my sisters and I all got together to go boating in Utah lake. We drove down together and my sisters set up a nice picnic area next to the lake while Aaron, Brett, Rob, Adam and I drove the boat and wave runners to the dock. We spent the whole day there taking turns on the wave runners or riding the tube attached to the boat. We ate lunch and hung out in the sun. Then my parents pulled up in their car and there was my Mom. She actually got out of her house to come spend time with us at the lake. She was nervous at first but when she got there it was all worth it. We were thrilled to have her there with us. They stayed for a couple hours and my Dad had fun driving the boat around. We all left feeling tired, sore, sunburned, but happy. When we got home I took a shower and Meg, Adam, Steph (Adam's girlfriend,) Manda and Dawn went to a neighborhood BBQ for dinner. It was nice to talk to people and I enjoyed giving good news about my Mom. We took some food back for my Mom and hung out for a little while longer and then took my Mom up the stairs, with a little more ease this time, and put her in her bed. Then we hung out in her room and talked. We reminisced about Ralph and Helen (my Mom's parents) and more funny memories. Then we said good night, my sisters left and I was out cold two minutes later. Busy day.

My Mom is trying her best to keep pushing herself. She wears herself out sometimes but she's always left feeling good. I hope she knows just how proud of her we all are. I can't imagine how this cancer is making her feel but she rarely lets it bring her mood down. She's always been such a great example of strength and it really shows now. She's got a great attitude and I hope I can model myself after her.

4th of July

2008-07-04T22:44:00.000-06:00

Today was fun though Mom didn't feel too great. She woke up last night at around 4 in the morning and took a sleeping pill so she could fall asleep again but she was still feeling the effects throughout most of the morning and into the afternoon. She had no energy all day because of it.

My sisters came over to celebrate the 4th of July and, like all of our parties, they brought a lot of food. It was a lot of fun and Mom decided to come downstairs early to spend time with everyone. She stayed pretty quiet and we could all tell that she wasn't feeling well today. Not like the past few days. She had a really nice visit with Chuck and Diane, her aunt and uncle who she absolutely loves. After they left she cried feeling very emotional. They are great people and she loves when they come to see her. After dinner we had a nice time talking about funny memories and good ol' times. We did this while we waited for it to get dark. When it did we got ready to light fireworks. Mom decided not to come out so we took her upstairs to watch us from out her window. Getting up the stairs was a struggle for her and it's one of the hardest things for me to watch. My Mom should be able to do whatever she wants. I hate how restricted she is. She stayed by the window all night watching and laughing with us.

I hope tomorrow is better. I kind of liked posting about positive days. Thank you to everyone reading this for all your prayers, meals, visits, etc. It really does help knowing how many people care. Thanks again.

A Normal Day???

2008-07-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

Today was good. I'm gradually easing into getting used to this "new normal." By that I mean things have been so different since my Mom got sick that I just wish things were back to the way they were. Sitting around making sure my Mom is taken care of is normal for me now. Today, however, it felt kind of like it used to. First of all, my Mom looks great. She looks like my Mom again! Her face has color. Her expressions are lively. She jokes. She smiles. It was amazing how "normal" I felt with her today.

My Mom didn't feel any pain today. She didn't have a whole lot of energy, but she was very relaxed. I was in and out of the house for most of the morning but my sisters were with her and she had a huge number of visitors today. I spent most of the afternoon and evening just hangin' with her. Even now I'm sitting in the living room with her watching TV and she is helping Megan with extradition work. She still feels great after a busy day.

She was checking her email today with our dog, Dudley sleeping by her feet. This is how I used to find her when I would just come over for a visit before all this cancer business. Glad you're back Mom! You're doing awesome!

Adam's Home!!!

2008-07-02T23:27:00.000-06:00

Today was very eventful. It was my first time spending the night back in my parents' house. It was also the day my little brother Adam came home from Peru. My Mom was excited to see him again but she was even more excited that our family would now be complete.

This morning she was feeling pretty good. I wouldn't say it was as good as the day before, but still much much better than any day last week. My sister Dawn came over to help out with a few things my Mom needed. She cleaned up my Mom's room for her and got her medications in order. Then my Mom took a shower and decided to put on a dress so she'd look nice for Adam when he came home. Dawn helped her wash her hair and even put some makeup on her. She looked beautiful! The rest of my sisters arrived and we waited for Adam together.

My Dad's car pulled up at around 2:00 and Adam was home. He was finally home. Our whole family was under one roof at last.

My Mom looked happy all day. We all stayed there for the whole day listening to Adam tell us about Peru. It was great. By the end of the day my Mom was still feeling great. After everyone was gone except for my sister Ashley, Adam, Meg and my parents, we sat around the living room to relax. Adam took out his guitar and played a song he wrote for my Mom while he was away. It was awesome, though it made us all cry. (We'll try to get it recorded and I'll hopefully be able to post it in the future.) Then we helped my Mom up the stairs and to her bed. She was still feeling good even though her day must have been exhausting. We said goodnight and left her to get some sleep. It was a great day. Welcome home Adam!

Hospice Doesn't Suck!

2008-07-01T20:17:00.000-06:00

Wow! Another great day! I was so overwhelmed by everything that happened yesterday that I was left feeling extremely numb. Even at work last night surrounded by my friends I wasn't my usual self. After work I set my alarm for a little bit later than usual so I could sleep in. I knew my Mom was being taken care of by a few of my sisters so I didn't feel too bad to get a little extra sleep. I went to bed still feeling awful from the day. I awoke the next morning an hour before my alarm went off. I thought, "Oh well I'll just go to my Mom's early." When I went downstairs I for some reason thought of my mountain bike. I bought it a little over a month ago and haven't really ridden it. "Well, why not?" I thought. I grabbed my helmet and gloves and began to ride my bike to my Mom's house feeling a little selfish at first but soon into my ride, my head was clear and I began to enjoy life a little. It's only about a 10 mile ride but I still felt a nice sense of accomplishment. I entered my Mom's house to a gloomy setting and lost my high instantly.

The nurse and doctor from hospice were visiting with my mom and sisters discussing topics that I wasn't ready for. I don't want to hear how long she has. I just want to enjoy each day with her. I expected her to be out of breath, weak and feeling down. She wasn't though. She was laughing and smiling and a little more energetic than before. It was as though a huge weight was lifted off of her. I couldn't quite grasp why this was. But deep down I think I understood. Her life would no longer be miserable. Her life is now about comfort. Though it may be cut short, her life will probably be great from now on. She will have ups and downs like everyone else (different from my ups and downs obviously) but she doesn't have to worry about taking any more chemo, or going through any more dreadful MRI's. She can just enjoy life in peace with her family. She told us that she wants to always be surrounded by her family from now on. Party at Mom's house!! This realization takes a lot off of me as well. I actually feel a sense of acceptance. I didn't expect it to come so early but I cannot deny it. I'm happy for her.

I spent the whole day with her and enjoyed every minute of it. I wasn't sad at all. I decided that I am going to move back into her house with my wife for a while. She seemed really excited that I will always be around. I am too. I want to just be there. My Dad was also happy to have us come live with them. I want him to remember that he has a huge family here to take care of him. When the day comes that he feels most alone, I want him to know that he isn't.

We enjoyed dinner together and my Mom's sister Barb came over and we had a great night just visiting. I left them and my Mom's smile was still on her face. Her fighting spirit isn't gone. She has the rest of her life to fight for and it will be a great life. Thanks for a great day Mom! I love you!

What Just Happened???

2008-06-30T21:00:00.000-06:00

Today I went to my Mom's house at around 7:30. When I walked in the door she was walking from her bedroom to her office and I thought it must already be a good day if she's walking around. It was. She felt pretty good. She checked her email and went back to her room to finish breakfast. Her mouth started to get really dry so she didn't feel like eating. Then she thought about what she was in the mood for that wouldn't dry out her mouth and she decided she wanted pudding. I went to the store and bought her some. I gave her a cup and she devoured the whole thing. Great! She's eating! She's walking around! This will be a good day...

I went downstairs to put the pudding in the fridge and the phone rang. I heard her answer it so I kept trying to find room in the fridge. Then I heard her yell for me but I wasn't sure if I heard correctly. She yelled again and I ran upstairs as fast as I could. She was putting her head down on the table and holding the phone out for me to take. It was my Dad. He told me he was on his way home to take her to see her doctor at Huntsman Cancer Institute. They wanted to check on her since she's not eating too well. My Mom HATES going to the doctor. Needless to say she was pretty mad at my Dad. He came to get her and I rode with them to Huntsman.

We arrived there and I was kind of looking forward to what the doctor would say. I'm sick of wondering what's going on and I was excited to finally be getting some answers. The doctor came into the room after a long discussion with my Mom's nurse and I could tell by the look on his face that he was discouraged. He told us that her chemo she was taking didn't do anything to her tumors. They were actually much worse. Her next choice was either to just sign up for hospice care at home to stay comfortable as she passes away, or take steroids to try to shrink her tumors and possibly get her energy and appetite back. This will only be a delay. He kept saying that she simply cannot be cured. She decided to go for the steroids but she also wanted the hospice care. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The chemo didn't do ANYTHING?! Steroids? Hospice? I felt totally numb. I cried the whole way home. I was angry. I was sad. I was terrified.

We got home and my sisters were all there waiting for us. They stayed the whole evening. We had a very nice time sitting around the living room asking my Mom questions about her life. We laughed and cried and the whole experience left me feeling a bit better. Then the nurse from hospice came and explained what to expect. I'm glad that I know what to expect but I'm disappointed that she hasn't received the miracle we've all been praying for.

I love you Mom. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you but I've never felt closer to you than I do right now. You have been my best friend and I don't know how I could ever say goodbye to you. Thank you so much for everything!

Keeping The Faith Through The Hardest Times

2008-06-29T22:02:00.000-06:00

It's getting hard to write anything new lately. My Mom hasn't had a great weekend. A lot of ups but mostly downs. She says she's not in a lot of pain, but she is extremely weak. I think it's mainly because she's not eating very much. She's lost a lot of weight and it's showing drastically.

Today Megan and I went over at around noon. My Mom was up in her usual spot in her bedroom. She was feeling really sad and felt that she hasn't kept her spirits high enough to receive any blessings that she has been asking for. She broke down and cried and I knelt down next to her and hugged her and told her that I absolutely knew that she would get better. She looked up at me with tears running down her face and asked if I really had the faith, and I said "Yes, Mom I do." She wiped her eyes and said that made her feel a little better. I just want her to stay positive and keep her own faith that she will recover. I don't want her to lose her will to live. I gave her another hug and asked her what sounded good to eat and she said she wanted a snow cone so I went and got her one. Tiger's blood, her favorite flavor. She ate the whole thing and took a nap.

My sister Amanda and her family came over for with dinner. It was her birthday yesterday and she wanted to spend an evening with her Mother. My Mom was debating whether or not she could come downstairs to join us. After a few minutes she decided that she needed to change her scenery and overcome the fear to walk downstairs. She made it and we had a great dinner with Manda's family. After dinner we all sat around the table and just talked. I began to notice a huge change in my Mom's mood. She seemed happier, stronger, and healthier. She loves her family and really enjoys spending time with us. My niece, Jane broke out her "Old Maid" card game and played it with my Mom. It was awesome to watch her play with her grandchildren like she used to.

I am looking forward to see what this week brings. I will be going to my Mom's everyday and I will do my best to keep her happy. I hope by the end of the week she will be strong and healthy. I DO know that she will feel better. We just need her to get passed the effects of her first chemo treatment and keep praying for the best.

A Nice Day at the Lake

2008-06-27T19:05:00.000-06:00

I took another day off today. I don't have anything new to say about my Mom except that she seems to be having a great day. A bunch of her friends (quilting club) stopped by this afternoon which brought her up. She also went for a drive with my Dad. I'll have to call her again to see how her evening is going but her afternoon sounded pretty good. She is improving very gradually. I'm just happy she's not getting worse.

Today was nice for me as well. I went with My sisters Amanda and Dawn out to Utah Lake on Dawn's boat. We had a great time. My Dad stayed home to take care of my Mom so I didn't feel too guilty taking yet another day off. We attached a big tube to the boat by a rope and pulled each other around the lake. Even Tobe, my 3 year old nephew took a ride. It was really fun.

I'm going over to my Mom's tomorrow morning for a haircut so I'm getting ready for some more good news. I hope she has a good night and gets a lot of sleep. Hopefully she will continue to push herself to get back to a more normal lifestyle.

Home Again

2008-06-26T09:25:00.000-06:00

Megan and I arrived back home in Salt Lake last night. It's good to be back. We enjoy vacations but it's always nice to come home. I missed my Mom a lot but I was with all of her friends so it didn't feel like I was far. Megan did a great job handling the conference for her.

She even had my Mom's reading glasses so nobody would notice she wasn't there.

I'm sitting in my old seat next to my Mom to help her again. I really wanted her to be back on track to recovery from the chemo but it still seems to be having its effect on her. How long does this stuff take? She still can't move very far without wearing herself out. Her appetite seems to be improving a little but not much. I'm beginning to get frustrated again. Hopefully as the day goes on she'll start to get some energy. My sisters who took care of her while I was gone said she improved a lot. She would get up and walk around during the day and sometimes she would even go downstairs. I hope she can continue to do this. I would like to see it. I really want her to be able to go to lunch or a movie. Anything but sitting in her room. I feel so bad for her. I know she doesn't like confinement. I hope she has energy to take on the next round of chemo. I'll do my best to help get her there.

The Conference in Scottsdale (So Far..)

2008-06-22T14:18:00.001-06:00

I'm in Scottsdale Arizona right now. The conference started today (I'm actually sitting in the lobby of the hotel in the middle of everything right now.) and Megan is trying her best to fill my Mom's shoes. My Mom usually throws this whole thing together and we're learning fast just how much everyone relies on her. "It's just not the same without Kathy!" is the usual phrase around here. But Megan is doing a great job. We have made great friends with everyone here. I have been calling my Mom every now and then to check up on her. She has sounded great. I put her friends on the phone to talk to her and they all say how great she sounds. I think my Mom is lonely and feels better when she has contact with her friends and family. From what I've heard, she is improving slowly. She moved downstairs for a change which says a lot. After living basically in her bedroom for a week it should be nice to see some new scenery. I guess she also went for a drive with my Dad. That makes me really happy. I don't want her to stay in her house for the rest of her life. I just want her to be back to normal. No matter how long it takes.

I'm having a great time. I'm hearing a bunch of funny stories about my Mom that I've never heard. (Some involving toilet paper.) We have visited some sweet places like old town Scottsdale that looks like a western town. We also spent a day in Sedona which has awesome mountains and scenery and we ate the best pizza ever there. It's fun to be able to help and I hope we do half as good of a job my Mom usually does. I miss her so much but I'm glad to keep hearing her voice and hope she keeps her spirits up.

-These are all of my Mom's friends from the NAEO.

See Mom, they're not too old. I think you should do this in Boston.

- Sightseeing in Sedona.

I love you Mom!

Arizona Bound

2008-06-19T13:04:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm sitting at my Mom's house right now getting the last minute things ready for the NAEO conference in AZ. My Mom had a pretty rough day yesterday and it seemed like a struggle for her to get through. Like I said before, that's the pattern. Today is a little better. She had a great morning with my Dad and when I arrived she started to lose her energy a little. She is weak but she is pushing herself. Her will power is getting stronger. She wanted to check her email in her office and thought hard about it and said, "I can do this! I need to move around." She stood up and made the trip with a feeling of accomplishment. Good job Mom! Keep doing that!

I have to leave her for a week. I have mixed feelings about this. It will be a great trip and I can't wait to relax, but I'm scared to leave her. I don't want to be away in case anything happens. I have spent the last week by her side and I know I'll miss her. My sisters, Ashley and Jenn will be here to take care of her though. My Dad will also take work off so she will be and great hands.

Hopefully Megan and I will do her proud as we take on her job. We are nervous but really excited. I'll have my computer and I'll try to keep these updates going while I'm gone. I love you Mom. See you in a week!

Another Good Day: Farewell To Chemo

2008-06-18T04:05:00.000-06:00

I just got home from work and I'm tired so this won't be too long. Today was a huge improvement from the day before. My Mom seems to like having good days every other day. That's the pattern. I don't know why she doesn't just want to have good days every day. Oh well that's her choice. : )

Today her friend Debbie brought her a new chair to try to sleep in. It's a massage chair so she can lean forward and breathe better. She seems to like it.

She remained positive all day and even helped Megan get some extradition work done so she will be good and ready for Arizona. Since Megan and I are going solo now. :/

Megan and I left feeling good that my Mom had such a great day. We haven't been home too much this past week so our house hasn't been cleaned in a while. When we got home though, it was spotless. Someone had cleaned our house for us. It was Meg's two sisters, Jen and Carly. That was very nice of them. It really brings me up to see nice people doing nice things. I guess this horrible disease can bring out some good. Thanks again for all your help, prayers, etc.

The First Treatment is Over...

2008-06-17T04:45:00.000-06:00

Today is over and I can finally go to bed. I will try to forget this day though I learned a lot about myself. I learned where my breaking point is. I'm normally not an inspirational kind of guy but this past week, I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping spirits high. Today though, I'm just not in the mood. My tender soul has split for a while and left me feeling bitter. The reason; chemo. How much can one take? I can't even begin to imagine how my Mom must feel but I do know how I feel. I feel tired, depressed, frustrated, irritable, etc. This treatment is evil! It's over with now, thank goodness, but it has definitely left its mark. Plus, we know it will return in 23 days. My Mom is wiped out. Like a strong sand castle facing a high tide. She has to rebuild herself enough so that when the next wave comes, she can withstand it. She needs all the help she can get.

I hate to sound so bitter but today was just hard. I felt helpless while I just sat and watched my Mom at her absolute worst. This chemo could destroy her will to live if she let it. I needed reinforcements. Luckily my family is equipped with seven other people, each with unique ways of helping. However, sometimes we are likely to clash and it does happen but now is not the time. We are so strong when we stick together and that is what Mom needs. Sorry if I passed on any bitterness to anyone today. (I did a lot of venting.) The next few weeks are what we have all been looking forward to. I can't wait to see Mom bounce back. I know she will! She has the best cancer-fighting army behind her. Keep fighting Mom!

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but sometimes enough is enough. I cannot watch her continue like this. I will lose my mind if I haven't already. OK I think I've whined enough so it's out of my system. Life's too short for bitterness anyway. We all have bad days and I know everyone can relate so please be kind with your comments. If I haven't thanked everyone enough I'll throw one more out there... Thank you everybody for all your support.

Fathers Day

2008-06-15T21:55:00.000-06:00

Today was Fathers Day. My Mom wasn't feeling her best and there was a huge family party in the works so most of us were feeling a little nervous. I guess we didn't want to bombard her. Saturday was pretty rough for her. None of us visited her all day because she was so tired. (She hasn't been sleeping too well.) Dawn went over for a visit Saturday evening and said she didn't look like she was getting better. So today must have been overwhelming for her.

The party started at around 5:00 and our whole family started to file into the house. We cooked BBQ and had a nice time with each others' company. Someone was missing though. My Mom spent the whole time in her bedroom. Since her immune system is much weaker these days, due to the chemo, she was advised to stay away from children who might be sick. We all took our turns checking up on her though. She had a few visits from her friends and extended family. Also her sister Barb stopped by with her two kids, Chris and Megan. She visited until about 8:30 so we figured she would be wiped out. Luckily my sister Jenn stayed with her to give her a back rub. That helped her relax and I think it kept her going through the day.

After she was done visiting we were ready to give my Dad his Fathers Day gifts. This usually happens in my parents' living room but tonight was different. We all crowded into their bedroom so my Mom could be a part of it. We pulled out some folding chairs and piled onto their bed so we could all fit. Aaron (my brother-in-law) brought my Mom some surgical masks to protect her from the "deadly" grandchildren. It was great.

Tonight was just another example of how great my family is. We are so close. I can always rely on my sisters for advice or anything in general that I need help with and they never complain. I can always call them if I am feeling bummed out and I always feel better after talking to them. For some strange reason I never feel more relaxed than when we are all together for family parties. (Even with all their kids running around. This feeling may not be mutual since I don't have kids yet.) They have all told me this week how helpful I have been for my Mom but I just hope they all know how much they have helped me. I love you guys. : ) Thanks for staying positive. We will get through this.

I would also like my Dad to know how proud of him I am. This was a rough weekend but he has stayed strong and kept his spirits high. He takes such great care of my Mom. He puts her before everything. He never lets work get in the way of his family and I have learned a lot from him one what's really important. I love you Dad. Stay strong. Happy Fathers Day!

Finally! The crap days payoff!!!

2008-06-13T21:23:00.000-06:00

Today was great!!! Finally!!! I went to my Mom's house at around 9:30 this morning to find her not in her chair. Not hunched over struggling for air. Not wincing in pain. "I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth!" She yelled. I could already tell that her voice had a healthy tone to it. I peeked my head in and she was standing there at her sink with a smile on her face. Yes!!! Improvement!! She still spent a good amount of the afternoon in her chair but not the whole day. Most of her day was spent near her computer visiting with her kids. Megan even dropped Jane (one of the many grandkids) off to stay with us and being the dork that I am, I fell asleep while my Mom babysat her. I woke up panicking, thinking I let my guard down in a moment of weakness that my Mom would have to pay for but, there she was watching cartoons with her granddaughter still smiling. Most of my sisters made appearances throughout the day starting with Dawn and Aaron, followed by Jenn and Amanda with special guests Jessica, Tobe and Aly. (More grandkids) and nobody could bring my Mom down. She was strong and held her own. She loves all of us and we all bring her spirits up so high. She truly is the center of our family. The glue holding us together. She finished her day by heading downstairs for dinner. (She hasn't been downstairs for almost 2 days.) After dinner I gave her a blessing and left her feeling happy.

I caught her playing freecell today. This is her favorite game and I always used to catch her playing it when she said she was working. This brought back some good memories. It's good to have my Mom back. : )

Thank you to everyone who prays for her. Everyone who thinks of her. Everyone who visits her and brings her dinner. Everyone who sends her flowers. Everyone who does her yard work for her (I really appreciate that one.) Everyone who has stayed so close with her throughout her life. She would not be having such great days without all of her reasons to live. You know who you are. Thanks again.

My First Experience With Chemo

2008-06-12T17:48:00.000-06:00

OK. The treatment has begun. My Mom is actually among the (way too many) people who are treating cancer with chemotherapy. I have to tell myself that it could be worse. She could have to go to the hospital 4-5 times a week but she doesn't. She could be bald but she's not and most likely won't be. She is, however, trapped. She's stuck in her chair. She's tethered down to her house by a long plastic oxygen hose. She can't move and has no energy. Yes, it could be worse. But seeing her like this is terrible.

I know this is hard to look at. I'm sorry.

Today was hard. This is a huge hill to climb but I'm confident the payoff will be worth it. My Mom was sitting in her recliner, her head drooped and her breathing deep for most of the day. I ran a few errands for her but for the most part I just sat with her. She had a few hours where she felt better and she even got up out of her chair to go check her email. That was a shred of hope and I'm really happy that she could muster up a little strength. My sister Dawn was a huge help today. She spent the whole morning with her and she gave her a nice little pep talk. That helped a lot. She also said some very nice things to me and I hope she knows how much a appreciate it. My relationship with my Mom is so great right now. We've always been close but Dawn reinforced just how great we are for each other today. (Thanks Dawn.)

I hope my Mom feels better after this first week of treatment. I just want her to be able to do things without a struggle. I wish I could just take it from her for like a day so she can go on a date with my Dad. She doesn't deserve to feel like this everyday. She has been such a great Mom to all of us and it isn't fair that she is the one going through this. But my hopes are still high that she won't feel like this soon. She is a fighter and she has a great support system behind her. Keep fighting Mom!!! You're the best!

Let the healing begin...

2008-06-11T20:05:00.000-06:00

Today my mom's chemo arrived on her doorstep. She can finally start treating her cancer!! Not much else happened today. We did a lot of extradition work to get ready for the conference in Arizona next week. I'm getting really excited to go. (This place is just too depressing.) Megan will be handling most of the conference by herself and we all hope she's ready. I think she'll do fine. I just really hope my mom will come too. But if she can't that's ok. That's why God invented cell phones. : )

I'm really excited for my mom to start chemo tonight. I know her energy will be drained but that just means the medicine is doing its job shrinking those damned tumors in her lungs. I can't wait for the day that she can make it up her stairs without stopping for minutes at a time to catch her breath. That is really hard to watch.

I just want to thank everybody for their nice comments. This is becoming a great therapy for me and it feels good to hear feedback from genuine people who care. My mom needs all of us right now. She is not quite as excited to start treatment as we are for her, but I really feel that it will help. It better...

The fight is still on...

2008-06-11T03:50:00.000-06:00

Wow. It's 2:45 AM, I just got home from a hellishly dull night at work and I'm still excited about how great today was. What a difference a day can make. My mom seems to have a little fighting spirit in her again. Not much, but enough to notice. I went over to her house and she was doing her extradition work and playing with Aly (my niece who's almost 1) while my sister Amanda cleaned. Then I ran some errands and my mom actually wanted to come with me! We ate lunch at around 1:00 and then my woman Megan came to do some extradition work and before we knew it, it was 5:00 and my mom still had a good amount of stamina. This doesn't sound very exciting but I can't tell you enough just how happy I was to see my mom back on track. Compared to the day before, I assure you, THIS IS EXCITING! Then my dad came home and we ate dinner and planned our trip to Arizona next week. My mom still wants to come and I hope she will. If she keeps having good days like these, then maybe I will get to have a nice vacation with my mom. I'll keep my fingers crossed. : )

I know that things are bad. I know that I'll have really crappy days seeing my mom struggle. I know that I'm not supposed to get my hopes up too high but I don't care. If we are going to do this on a day-to-day basis then I want to celebrate the good days. My hopes are high. It would take a lot to bring me down right now. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Maybe my mom will stick around longer than the stupid statistics are telling me.

My Day

2008-06-09T18:49:00.001-06:00

Today was a sad day. Not the worst day ever, nothing out of the ordinary really happened. To those who don't know the situation; My mom has cancer. She has stage 4 melanoma with tumors in her lymph nodes, lungs, and brain (though they were removed from her brain last week.) I guess I'm still in the stage where I don't quite accept it. I'm mad, frustrated, sad, and scared. I'm a total momma's boy and the thought of her leaving me terrifies me.

She was supposed to start Chemo yesterday but the insurance company will not approve it. Her doctor is trying to appeal it but it will take another 17 days. That's time we don't have. My dad is just going to buy the Chemo himself. 3500 per week.

Today I did my usual routine of going to my mom's house in Draper to help her out. I work during the night so I get to help her while everyone else is at work during the day. I love the time we spend together. I usually go get groceries for her or do any heavy lifting she needs. Today though, I had to get her laundry started for her. She's getting weaker. She can't do things on her own that she normally could do even on her worst day. I don't know what to do. Today was the day I finally lost it. I haven't cried like this since I was a little kid. I gave her a hug as I was getting ready to leave and I finally realized and gave in to what I really am - a child who doesn't want his mom to leave him. I didn't want to let go of her. I just sobbed into her shoulder. She began to cry too and said that she would start to feel better once she starts her Chemo tomorrow. I hope she does. I HATE to see her like this.

I left her house and got into my car. I took out my ipod that my 4 year old niece, Jane was playing with earlier and pressed play. "Baby Mine" from the movie Dumbo started playing. I cried even harder while sort of laughing. The universe is definitely an evil one.

Is This Thing On?

2007-05-23T18:54:00.001-06:00

This is just a test. YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.