Mondays Always Get Me Down...

I spent a lot of time in my Mom's room tonight with Adam, Dad, Steph, and Megan. We just sat around and reminisced about old times like when Adam and I were in elementary school while my Mom worked there. We had some good memories there with her. I was thinking about how much Mom was there for me growing up. Even in school I knew she was just down the hallway if I needed her. That was comforting to know. I used to go hang out in her office every now and then after lunch and we'd just talk and she'd sometimes give me her students' candy. : ) Working at my school, she knew all of my friends well, so they were all very comfortable with her at home. She was sort of our friend as well. Our house was the place to hang out and my Mom loved having us over. She'd always keep us fed and entertained. This kind of relationship with her grew from there. We have always been close friends. I could hang out with my Mom all day. She is so entertaining. She has an amazing laugh that is very contagious.

When she was working at Aaron's office she would call me at around 11:00, (keeping in mind that I worked the night before til 4 in the morning) and she would ask me if I wanted to go to lunch with her. Even though I was tired and sore and a few more hours of sleep sounded great, lunch with my Mom sounded much better. I would hurry and shower, get dressed, and drive as fast as I legally could to go pick her up. She would always make me choose where to eat though she'd sometimes hint at places she would prefer. We did this almost every day. Sometimes just my Mom and I, but usually with my sisters too. I miss doing that so much. Her favorite place to go was El Rancho Grande or referred to my Mom as "The Icky Mexican Place."

I miss talking to her about stuff other than how she is feeling or what she needs. She must be so bored these days. Today she seemed really down. She just couldn't find anything to be positive about. But it's hard to be positive under these circumstances. Her sister Barb came by today and she always cheers my Mom up. But other than that she kept quiet with a sad face all day. I feel so bad for her. I know she is deep down afraid to die but she seems really sick of life too. I know there's nothing I can do to save her but I just want her to at least enjoy her life while she has it. It was my turn say the family prayer tonight and all I could think to pray for was happiness for my Mom. I hope I can help to make her happier. I try to sit and talk with her and joke with her but it's hard to make her laugh these days. I miss her laugh so much. Hopefully it was just a bad day and tomorrow she'll feel some happiness.

I was looking through old pictures of my Mom. I don't have too many but these are a few good ones I found.

One of the many trips to Payson for the annual "Onion Days" celebration. We always camp on a golf course. It's weird, but hey, so are we.

My Mom hates having her picture taken so she hurried and covered her face before I took this picture but it turned out funny.

My wedding. She looked so beautiful that day. She let me use her backyard for the wedding and reception. It was awesome.

I like the face she's making in this one. It just looks like my Mom being funny. This was last Christmas.

Sunday Parties...

I am still recovering from last night. I had another little melt down after helping my Mom into bed. First of all She had a huge day. It was another big family party for Adam's, Aly's and Steph's birthday. Adam made a huge feast for us. Carne Asada! It was awesome. Then we had a piñata for the little kids. It was fun. We wheeled my Mom out to the hall again for dinner. She stayed there all night and though she is in a lot of discomfort, she doesn't let it stop her from spending time with the people she loves. After the party was over and the night was winding down, we said a family prayer and everyone left.


Happy Birthday Aly

Kami smashing the piñata

Mom chillin with her daughters

After the party we helped her into her bed. I love to do this for her but I hate to watch her struggle. She decided to walk from her bathroom to the bed because getting in and out of the wheelchair is too much of an ordeal. But walking for her isn't much better. Her whole lower half is so swollen. Her stomach, legs and feet have become too big for any comfort. She has to take tiny steps and and the look of pain is so apparent in her face with each step. My Dad and I helped her into bed but it's so hard for her and it took a little longer than usual. When we finally got her in an upright position she could barely catch her breath. She was in a lot of pain. Megan gave her a hug and said good night. I just stood there and the tears in my eyes were too much to fight back. "Oh Mom??" was all I could say as a ran to hug her and that feeling came over me again where I felt like a little kid whose Mom is leaving them with a babysitter or something and in their little minds they think "I'm never going to see Mom again!!!" And they cry and cling to her and never want to let go. I remember doing that as a child but I never thought I'd feel that again in my twenties. I hugged her forever and just kept saying, "Mom I don't want you to die. Please don't die...." She responded without pain in her voice anymore but with motherish comfort, "I don't want to die either Josh, but I have to and I'm really sorry but you'll be OK." I couldn't let go. This time my tears were all over her shirt. I cleared my head and let her go. I said goodnight and left her with my Dad who was now crying. I crashed on my bed.

This Is Where We Are, "Shut Up And Like It!"

Yesterday was OK. It started out the same as always with my Mom tired and down. She had some visitors throughout the day but she couldn't quite perk up. I think she had her eyes closed most of the day. I can tell that she's tired of this. We all are. But later on into the evening she started to feel a little better. Jenn came over to give her a foot massage. This was the only sense of relief I could see in her face all day. I helped her into bed which is just harder and harder (for her) every day. She keeps apologizing to my Dad and I when we do this but it's not hard for us at all but that just shows that she is still my Mom. She always worries about others before herself. She rules.


My Mom with the Tate family. She always talks about how much she loves her aunt Dianne and uncle Chuck.

I keep hoping for good days again but she continues to wear out more and more. She's so burned out by the end of the day with not much to burn in the first place so it's understandable. I'm just grateful to spend time with her. Every day that she is here IS a good day.

Burned Out On Cancer...

I wasn't home with my Mom much today but I still can't get over how I felt tonight. I'm mad. I'm really mad at cancer. I hate it. It sucks the life out of everything it touches. It just sucks, period. I know lately I have been posting about how blessed I have been because of it, but right now, I don't care. I hate cancer! But I think I'm allowed to feel this way every once in a while. This is my personal journal after all. So this is how I'm feeling tonight I guess.

Wait, I'll back up and do a quick update.... My Mom is sick. That's all I got. And I still don't know why. She isn't supposed to be the weak one in my family. She has always been so strong. She was so tired today. She did have a great visit from the Tate family which always makes her happy but other than that she just seemed brought down. She seems like she is just tired of living every day like this and who can blame her? It's not fun to sit in a wheelchair parked in the same spot all day. I can't believe this is happening. But what surprises me even more is how normal this is now. Sometimes I need to step back and just think for a minute, "I'm losing my Mom. I'm not OK with this, am I?" The answer is always "NO!" But why have I adjusted so quickly? I feel guilty for doing so and I worry that I'm forcing her out of my life already. I don't mean to. She is and has been the most important person in my life and I really don't want to let her go.

Tonight I helped her get into her bed. She can't lift her feet up anymore and my Dad and I have to basically lift her feet up and move her body into a sitting upright position so she can breathe and every day this gets harder for her. Tonight she started to cry and asked in a 'give up' tone, "How much longer can I live like this?" It's surreal to hear my Mom talk like this. She isn't a quitter. She never has been. I hugged her and told her that I love to help her and I want to continue to do so if she'll hang around a little longer for me. She hugged me tighter and for the first time ever, I felt my Mom's tear drop on my shoulder. It soaked through my shirt and felt cold against my skin. I don't know if this tear represented fear, pain, sadness or all of the above, but it made me feel mad. I left for work with tears of rage. I hate this disease so much. I kept thinking, "My Mom shouldn't be crying those kind of tears. She shouldn't be weak, in pain, uncomfortable. She should be happy, laughing, free to roam her house on her feet, going out to dinner, going to Payson with her family, going on movie dates with my Dad, working at Aaron's office, going to NAEO conferences, singing, going to church, playing with her grandkids, sleeping laying down, living..."

I know that this whole situation has brought countless blessings and a lot of good has come from it but every now and then I just need to look at it from a different angle and get out my anger. It is, after all, the worst thing that has happened to us. And in some ways, the best. Thanks for letting me rant.

PAGODA'S!!

Today Mom was feeling tired. She didn't get a whole lot of sleep the night before so she spent most of the morning catching up. She finished her letters to her children with Ashley and then took a few naps. We decided to have a huge family dinner for Adam's birthday and we thought we should get Mom's favorite food. It has been a tradition in our family to go to the Pagoda (or Pagoda's according to us) for special occasions. It's also a secret tradition for my Mom to take her kids there for dinner every time my Dad is out of town. (Sorry Dad.) The owners of the restaurant are good friends of my parents and they have always treated us well. We all love their food but my Mom thinks that it is simply the best. We called in a huge order so Adam and I went to pick it up. We had a nice talk with Jody, who runs the restaurant and she couldn't believe the news about my Mom. She is very nice. Then we took the food home to everyone (including my aunt, Ruth Ellen) waiting for us. They set up a big table in the hallway outside my Mom's bedroom with a table cloth and everything. Since she can't come down stairs anymore, we brought the dinner table to her. It looked very fancy. It was just like we were at a restaurant. We wheeled Mom out to the head of the table and she looked so happy to finally leave her bedroom (which she hasn't for about a week.) We ate a ton. Mom was so happy to have her favorite meal at an actual dinner table with her family. After dinner we all said good night and left Mom feeling great. It was another good day.




That was fun Mom. Keep the good days coming!

Another Good Day...

Today was another good one. I woke up at seven to go help my Mom with her letters. She wants to write letters for her kids and my Dad but she can't write them herself because of the tumor in her hand, so we decided to have her speak into a recorder for us, which in my opinion is better. I went into her room and she said "Let's sleep in til about nine." I said, "I don't know Mom, I already got 3 hours of sleep it might be hard to get a few more..." Yeah we were both out cold two seconds later. We woke up and after I figured out the mp3 player/recorder we started to record her letters. She started with my Dad's and it was very hard for me to listen to but I am so glad that I could hear it. We will always have the files on our computers, but I will always have the memory of sitting with her alone and listening to her recording the messages to her kids and husband. It was cool. She was a little sleepy for most of the morning but then she took her medication (which I think we have finally figured out) and she started to perk up. She enjoyed more family company and foot massages all day. We had our usual routine of eating dinner in her room with her. After dinner she asked for another blessing. This was cool because it was her first one with just her boys. Adam, Dad and I gave her the blessing, said family prayer and said good night. She looked very content with life and told us that, this desease has brought her what she loves the most...relaxing with her family.


Today I found Jenn rubbing my Mom's feet and Tobe rubbing Jenn's feet. It was funny.

Mom's Back!

Alright everybody, brace yourselves.........Today was awesome! I don't know what happened but it's as though someone charged the batteries in my Mom and now she works again. She was Mom again! She stayed in her room as usual but the way she was talking and laughing and smiling was different. She had energy.

I woke up at 11:00 thinking, "Dang I slept in late!" So I hurried to my Mom's room to find her talking with Dawn and Amanda. I could already tell that she was feeling different. The tone of defeat was gone. They had a good conversation about life and important things and I just sat and listened and even though they were crying, I couldn't help but enjoy how good she sounded. This energy lasted throughout the day. She had a lot of visitors but they didn't wear her out. Her sister-in-law, Ruth Ellen came by and I listened as they laughed together about old times. Then her sister Barb stopped by and had dinner with us and still, Mom felt great. When the time came to say good night, my Mom volunteered to say a family prayer and the whole thing was about how grateful she is. She was just so positive. I was amazed at how incredible my Mom is. Through all of this, she can still feel grateful and happy. I'll never forget how relieved I felt to see a genuine smile on my Mom's face tonight. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the extra steroid she took. But I really hope these kind of days continue.


Keep smiling Mom! We all need it.