Good Times With Mom....

Another first without her. I woke up this morning and immediately thought of my Mom. I don't know how to honor her on Mother's Day without her here. All I can do is miss her but I do that every day. For a really long time I could only remember her as being really sick. It was hard to picture her as she used to be before she found out about cancer. But as time goes by those last memories are replaced by happier ones from better times. She was the best Mom ever. I remember she would do anything for her kids. We always came first.





This is from our cruise/Disneyworld trip back in 1993 or 94, I don't remember. My Mom is holding crutches because she broke her leg. I remember we all would use her to get in the front of the lines at Disneyworld and she would go along with it without complaining. She never minded taking one for the team.






I want to say this picture is from one of our trips to Sun Valley but I could be way off. She loved traveling with her family. She always made everything fun.






Some of my most vivid memories of my Mom come from when she was around her best friend, Debbie Tyler. Things became strange when they were together. I remember how much they would laugh around each other. It was pure entertainment.





This was from Mother's Day last year. Her last Mother's Day. Even though we were all thinking of how it might be her last, we all still had so much fun because of her. I love you Mom! I miss you so much every day. Happy Mother's Day!

It Has Already Been A Year???

It has been a year now since the vile illness made itself known to the public at the expense of my Mom. I stayed up til almost 5 am the previous night playing call of duty and honestly, that was pretty much all I cared about at the time. That all changed the next day.

I remember waking up to Megan that afternoon because nobody could reach me by phone. She drove home from work to wake me up because it was apparent that something was wrong. She told me that my Mom was going to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. I immediately got up and showered. I knew my Mom's health wasn't "great" and I remember thinking it was about time she went in for a check up but nothing too serious could possibly be wrong. I went to my sister Jenn's house to teach her son Tanner how to draw caricatures. She seemed worried but I think she felt the same way as me. After Tanner's lesson I went home to meet Meg after work. I kept getting more and more phone calls and the news seemed to be getting worse. It was Jenn who called and said they found spots on her lungs and it might be cancer. I could tell in Jenn's voice that she was really worried. I called my Dad to see if they needed any help and he said "no." I wanted to talk to my Mom but I actually felt nervous. I went to work with a huge knot in my stomach.

The next morning I drove to my Mom's house and as I was pulling into the driveway, I thought for the first time in my life that I could soon come to this house and not have my Mom there to greet me. I went inside feeling sick because I was so nervous. I found my Mom on the computer and she greeted me as she always does. I asked her how she was feeling and she said "scared." She was about to go back to the hospital for her biopsy to find out if it was in fact cancer. She walked downstairs with me to show me her x-rays. As I looked at the various spots on her lungs she walked to me and gave me a huge hug and I could tell she was crying. That was the moment that I felt that something serious was happening and my life was about to change. I tried to make her feel better and asked if I could go to the hospital with them.

That was the beginning of the strangest three months of my life. I still miss her so much every day. It still feels unfair that she was taken from me. This all happened way too fast.

I'd Settle For A Phone Call...

What was I doing a year ago? Probably playing Call of Duty 4, hanging out with friends, going to movies, spending time with my fam, working.....

Nowadays, I look at my daily routine and it's pretty much the same as it was a year ago. I still can't get enough Call of Duty. I still work at UPS every night doing what I've done for the past five years. And I still wake up late and go meet someone from my family for lunch. Same basic routine. Except back then I could (and would) hear a comforting voice whenever I wanted every day. It was just a phone call away. And when I would hear it I wouldn't feel any different, but if I could hear it now I would be freaking out. It wasn't a huge part of my day. It was taken for granted. But it was there every day. And I miss it more than anything right now.

Eye of the Tiger

I stumbled upon a video that I forgot about the other day. I have been compiling some videos of my Mom for a DVD I'm giving to my family on my Mom's birthday this Saturday. I found a video from a karaoke party on new years eve 2007. It features my brother-in-law, Brett and my nephew, Tanner singing "Eye of the Tiger." But it looks like my Mom knows how to rock as well as she's doing so in the background. Enjoy.

Farewell 2008!!!

All I can say about bidding this year farewell is, "Good Riddance, You Swine!!!!" Not that some good didn't sneak out of this year. But all in all, I could have done without this one.

It's been a while since my last post and for that I apologize but like I said before, I have lost the will to write. (For some reason I feel like it now though.... strange.)

A lot has happened since my last post.

Halloween - I was an ape. I went trick or treating with the lovely Janey Bug who was Ariel (the little mermaid) and Tobe who was... Tobe.

November 11th - I turned 25. My wife assumed it would be a terrible day for me since it was the first without my Mom so she spoiled me to assure that it would be a positive day. It was. I received a Teddy Ruxpin as a sort of inside joke. There's a long story behind it, which has to do with christmas of 88 or 89 involving some tight underwear and a video camera.




Thanksgiving - Meg's mom and some relatives from Idaho came down and we ate a great feast. Also, my sister Amanda moved away to Indiana. I am really bummed out about it too.




After Thanksgiving - I did absolutely nothing except load packages into trucks. Double shift season began at UPS and I took advantage of some sweet over time.

Christmas - Another first without Mom but we got through it unscathed. I was, once again, spoiled. Lots of new video games. :) I drew a picture of my Mom with pastels and gave it to my Dad. Also, the grandkids, my brother, and I got to open our presents from my Mom. Each of us received a Build-a-Bear with a personalized voice message recorded by my Mom. It was very nice.



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Now we're approaching 2009 and I must say that I am looking forward to it. I already have made plans to visit my sister in Indiana in a couple weeks. Not a bad start. I hope we can contrast 2008 with a good year. We deserve one.

Good and Bad Memories...

I feel the need to get something out of my system. Anything. I can't think of anything new to write about. It was so easy when my Mom was around but now I just live a boring life day to day like I used to. But tonight I really really really miss my Mom and I guess I feel that I should do some writing.

I left work early because it's not very busy at UPS these days and there's always somebody who gets to leave early and tonight it was my turn. I got into my car and began to feel terrible as I started to leave the parking lot. I continued to drive and for some reason I kept looking to the Star Wars air freshener dangling from my rear view mirror. I have a picture of my Mom taped to it. It's a picture from my wedding. She looks a little more proud of me in this picture than any other one I can find so I've always liked it. I felt the urge to pull out my Mom's letter and listen to it. I do this every now and then and although I could probably recite it word for word, I still get something new from it every time.

Tonight I really listened and tried to imagine my Mom as she was saying the words. She tears up a few times and I can tell she's really struggling for "the right thing to say," knowing that this will be all I have to hear her voice in emergencies. That must have been a lot of pressure for her. I know I probably couldn't handle that. She repeats herself too. She tells me to continue to be a kind person more than anything else. I started to see how she viewed me differently from her other kids. We're all different to her but she really seems proud of how "nice" I turned out. I started to flashback to when we would hang out while she was sick and how good I felt despite the crappy situation. I loved just sitting with her as I've probably said a hundred times but I could sit and talk to my Mom forever. We were great friends. I felt so comfortable with her and I loved reliving that memory tonight. She put everyone at ease and that feeling definitely left with her. Then I started to fast forward in my mind to the memories of when I would help her into bed because she couldn't lift her own legs. I started to feel a little more sad, not just because she died, but because her life was difficult toward the end. Then I was hit with the image of all of us lifting her body onto the bed the morning of her death. The memory of being the one to hold her head and how awful that made me feel. I wanted to forget that immediately after it happened and I've done a pretty good job till tonight. My memories of my Mom have definitely evolved since she died. Lately all I can remember are good memories like trips to St. George with her and hearing her chuckle as she waved to people. It was painful to be hit with that memory so hard tonight. But I don't ever want to forget anything about my Mom. Even the bad memories.

I'm starting to calm down a little now. I'm glad I made it home safely because I really don't remember actually driving home. All I can remember is a bunch of flashbacks and a total wave of pure sadness. These waves come a little less frequent lately but tonight was a big one. I think my whole family is going through what I did tonight. We all seem a little sad all day every day but when the waves come, I don't think we can feel anything else. I guess I just wanted to describe one in particular.

My Epic Return to the Blogging World!!!!

It has been a while since I've even looked at this screen, let alone update anything. But alas, my dear sisters have been hassling me to put something new on my blog for about a month so here it goes....

Ever since my Mom died I have lost my will to...well do a lot of things but most of all, update my blog. It was meant as a way for everyone to check up on my Mom while she was sick and I guess I'm more of an updater than a blogger. But it is good to get back on the horse and do something I enjoy doing and writing is something I enjoy doing a lot. Not much has been going on lately. I am desperately trying to find a new job so I can get on a decent work schedule and live among the normal world for a change. I've applied to a few places but no luck so far. Turns out the skills of box loading I possess are not greatly wanted by companies other than the one's I'm trying to leave. But I'll keep trying. I won't give up till I'm happily adjusting to the new sleep schedule I'm looking forward to so much.

The greatest thing that happened to me in this horrible year was my recent trip out of reality to California and among the sort of people I can get behind. These people being cartoon characters from the great land of Disney. Yes, I left all my cares in Utah and embarked on an epic journey to Disneyland with my wife Megan, my Dad, My sister Amanda, and her family, Brett, Jane and Tobe. We took no prisoners as we spent entire days adventuring through the various lands in the park. We took our first space flights (we have stickers to prove it) on Space Mountain an average of 4.5 times. We loaded the fattest people in our group as well as two heavy and willing strangers onto the logs of Splash Mountain where we were soaked through with the foul waters of Uncle Remus. We even forced the brave young Tobe onto the bobsleds of the Matterhorn to face the snow demons. We did everything there was to do. Hardly any lines to stand in this time of year! The entire park was our oyster! We spent a total of about 30 hours living beyond the doors and forgetting who we were. And the rest of the time was spent eating, swimming in the ocean, fishing, eating, laughing crazily, and sleeping. It was beautiful. There were no nay-sayers allowed. We spent a good few hours hunting down the inhabitants of Disneyland for a picture with them. This was something I'd never done before but I felt surprisingly happy about our decision to do it. We even frolicked through Toon Town not stopping until we bumped into the king himself, Mickey Mouse. I think he was appalled by Meg's and My craziness like desperate paparazzi trying to get a glimpse of the good life. But we got our picture to add to the mix. It was one of the greatest weeks ever. A total eclipse of positivity over an extremely painful year. I think it was just what everybody needed.

Now I'm back and already feeling the post-Disneyland depression. But here are a few pictures of the craziness to hold me over till I go back.