A Restful Day in Kat Bean's Room...

I just got home from a terrible night of work that completely brought me down but I can still say that today was a good day. I was awakened by my wife Megan at about 7:00 AM. She told me to go stay with my Mom in her room in case she needed help. I obeyed my orders and Megan finished getting ready for work. When she came in to say goodbye to us, we were both passed out. I woke up a few times to help my Mom to the bathroom but we both pretty much slept til about 10:30. I remember thinking it was a bummer that I missed "The Price is Right" when i woke up. I helped my Mom with a few more things like brushing her teeth and plunging the toilet but soon the house was full again and my sisters came to help Mom in their unique ways. Dawn helped her write some birthday cards and took more notes from what the hospice nurse was saying, Jenn gave her another long foot massage, and Amanda helped me run some errands for her. I, again, was in and out of the house and when I was home, I was really sleepy so I missed out on some good "Mom time" but that's ok. She was tired for most of the day but seemed content and at peace. No anxiety or depression. It was a good day.

For some reason this morning brought me back to about a month ago, when I would just sit, talk, and sometimes nap, one-on-one, with my Mom. I loved that. Even though I wasn't doing much, she knew that I was there for her. I felt like I was helping a little. Now that things are different and time is all we have, it seems that everybody wants a peice for themselves. Visitation has increased and my sisters are doing all they can to help out and get some time in. I just feel so lucky that I got so much time for myself in the beginning. I want all my sisters and my Brother to feel that way with her if they haven't already. I'll even take their kids from them for a few hours if they want. (Yeah I said it. Hold me to it. I'm not afraid.) I hope they all know how much I love them. They have helped me through this crappy time and I really appreciate everything they do. Well, this computer screen is getting blurry and that oxygen machine behind me is putting me to sleep so I think I'm done. Thanks again to everybody.

Seems Like Old Times.....Almost.

Mom felt pretty good yesterday. We had another full house all day but Mom remained happy and looked very peaceful. Even though it's a huge crowd, Mom loves her family. She lets us wear her out. It must be stressful with all these kids around her but maybe the stress gets her mind off other things... like stupid cancer.

We all spent the day just hangin at the house. My sisters stayed in her room all day with her. She had a lot of visitors. Her old friends the Bengtzens and the Stewarts came to see her. She loves them a lot. We probably won't be able to get her to come downstairs anymore but that's ok. We like being in her (freezing) room with her. We showed her the video from the horse show dedication and she was very touched. Everyone cried with her as she watched it. Then her granddaughter Jessica played her a song that she wrote for her. It was awesome. She's a great song writer and piano player. Even though we are just sitting around doing nothing with our Mom, we often forget to make dinner, but these days, that's not a problem. Her neighborhood has been so great to us and our freezers are fully stocked with meals. So we picked one out and threw it together. Very convenient. After dinner we hung out some more and Mackenzie, another granddaughter, painted her toenails. We had a great evening. Then we had a family prayer and said good night. It was a big day but I caught my Mom laughing the way she used to a couple of times and I've really missed that. These great days are such a blessing but they remind me of how much I really really miss my old life. Thank you all so much for everything.

A Strange Saturday with Bikes and Horses...

Yesterday I woke up hoping to get Mom out of her room to see if a change of scenery would help her. No such luck though. She doesn't want to leave her bedroom. She had a visit from her good friends, Dan and Marie Poulson in the morning and another visit from the Tate family later in the afternoon, and then spent most of the day snoozing, visiting with friends and family, or just relaxing.

I hardly saw my Mom at all yesterday. I felt like a jerk. I went for a bike ride in Corner Canyon that took a little longer than I thought it would. I'm not very fast though. I'm still just a noob. It was awesome though. My friends and brother-in-law, Brett came with me and it was really fun and a nice break from the house. I was really stinky when I got home.

After my bike ride I went with all of my sisters to the horse show. My Mom has had many jobs but none of us can figure out why she has worked for the Utah All Breeds Horse Association since she is scared of horses. We have loved helping her throughout the years with each show though. Last night they put together a very nice dedication for her. Two of my sisters, Amanda and Ashley took my Mom's job when she quit a couple years ago so they were in the dedication.... on horses. We all laughed when we first heard it but after seeing them on a horse I was very glad they did it. It wasn't funny to me at all, it was cool. My mom would have loved it. They said a few nice words for her and had a moment of silence. It's really cool to see that there are hundreds more people who care about my Mom. I sometimes forget just how popular she is.


My Mom's friends The Poulsons

Me on my bike ride.

Amanda and Ashley on horses. Good job guys. That was sweet!

So far today she has felt a little better than yesterday. I hope this continues.

Cheer Up Mom...

Today was another restful day for my Mom. I think she's winding down and her days spent walking to her office or downstairs are dwindling. She's spending the whole day in her room in bed or in a wheelchair and I think it's bringing her down. It's definitely bringing me down. I think it's about time I built an escalator for this house so she can still come downstairs. Why not? I got time.

It's getting more and more real that my Mom is weakening. Each day it seems she is more tired and her mood isn't great. Today she had some good visitors which helped keep her happy but we can all see it in her eyes that she is anxious and maybe even a little depressed and I think it's because she feels stuck in her bedroom. Hopefully she can muster up enough strength tomorrow to get a change of scenery. One thing that makes her happy these days is a nice foot massage. Since she can't recline or put her feet up, due to pressure in her lungs, her legs and feet are starting to swell up. So it soothes her to have a foot rub and her kids and grandkids have no problem helping her out. Her grandson, Tobe gave her one the other day and thought it was really fun. He's such a sweet kid who genuinely loves his "Magga!"



My Mom's hospice nurse "Valorie" (her name is actually Andrea but my Mom keeps calling her Valorie for some reason : ) came over today to check up on her and, though I'm glad she doesn't sugar coat anything, gave us news that was... discouraging. She asked us what was more important; Quality of life? Or time? We'd like both please. 10 years at least with no pain, discomfort, or weakness. Is that OK? Can we have that? I know that it's good to prepare for reality of the present but I'm still kind of holding out for that miracle. I know, I know, my mood is up and down like I'm bipolar or something but I'll never give up that little shred of hope I've been carrying with me and Mom.... keep praying for that miracle too. : )

Venting Again...

Another rough day today. I woke up and made my way to my Mom's room and I could already feel the stress and tension in the air. My Mom was having a small panic attack trying to get all of her work done. Like arranging bank accounts for my Dad and extradition training for Megan. She just wouldn't calm down so Dawn, Adam and I helped her with everything she needed and I think it helped because she was calm enough to take a nap shortly after. When she woke up she felt a little better. She spent the rest of her day in her room relaxing. She had a few visitors and kept her strength to visit with them. After dinner, my Dad and Adam hung out with her and they sang and played songs on guitar for her. This was meant to cheer her up but Megan, my sister Ashley (who's staying with us for the week), and I soon found them all crying. My brother lead us all in a family prayer which was very emotional for everybody and then we said good night.

I hate that I can just live my life normally while one of my most loved, cherrished, and influential persons in my life is stuck in her room in pain. I've never felt anything like this. Constant guilt mixed with unfulfilled agony from not being able to help her. I broke down again today. I have never prayed too often in my life but today I decided that the Lord and I needed to have a little chat. I told him that I was sorry we haven't been on the best of terms lately but I needed a favor. I told him that I NEED my Mom to stay here with me. To help me. I'm not done going to her for help and I plan on being a father soon and she could really come in useful for guidance. I told him that she has been one of my best friends and my life will feel a little empty without her. Then I told him that I know he's in control of the situation and as desperate as I am for her to stay, the most important thing I could ask for was that my Mom not die painfully. "Take her quietly." I think I said. This was all about fifteen minutes ago and I'm still bawling like a little turd but it feels good to care about somebody like this. I just want to ask everyone who reads this blog to pray for the same thing I did tonight. If we can't keep her then let's let her go peacefully. I don't want my Mom to hurt anymore. She's way too important to me and I think that God loves me enough to grant me this small wish no matter how I've lived my life. Thanks again to everybody for all your help. Mom keeps saying the biggest blessing from this situation is seeing how good people really are. Thanks again.

A Strange New Attitude...

Today was good. My Mom took another easy day with a lot of rest and down time. I spent most of my day in and out of the house so I didn't spend a whole lot of time with her but when I was with her, her mood seemed up and her energy was good. She took a long nap in the middle of the day and my sisters spent the most of the day with her. Even by the end of the day she was still happy and energetic. I like when she feels good. We all feel a little less stressed.

Today I went to Orem to paint. I've been hired to paint a castle on a wall for a little girl and I was finally able to get out there and work on it. While I was painting, something happened to me and I suddenly decided that this whole "give up" attitude has to go. The mood of everyone lately has a general undertone of defeat. I guess I'm just fed up with it. After all, my Mom doesn't have to die yet. She could still be healed. Why not? Stranger things have happened. I went back home from painting with the thought that she might just be back to normal. She wasn't when I got there but these things take time. I guess what I'm getting at is we shouldn't lose hope just yet. If we're supposed to actually believe in things like a senile old man gathering up two of every animal on the planet (including cobras) and fitting them all on a boat, then we should believe that these tumors in my Mom's body can simply dissapear. Like I said, stranger things HAVE happened and I'm not ready to abandon hope for her yet. After all, she is my Mom and I won't lose her without a good fight. She's worth it.

She Made It!!!

Another day another party. Today Mom woke up feeling like she did yesterday; unable to fully wake up. She spent the morning with a few of her kids. Manda came to clean the house and Dawn came to get my Mom ready for her day. Adam and I just hung around. (I guess we helped a little too.) My Mom wanted to have a good amount of energy for the day because today was a big day. My Mom's goal for a while has been to be able to go to the Temple to see Ashley get sealed to her husband Robert. Mom took an extra "green pill" (steroid) to give her an added boost of energy and I'd say it worked pretty well.

My Mom was a little nervous to leave the house but we pushed her just enough to make it. Adam and I helped her into the car and drove her to the Temple. She got out of the car with all of her family and a few friends there to help and with everyone's support, she did it! She accomplished her goal! She got to see her daughter get sealed! After it was over we all went back to the house and had a nice dinner party with everyone to celebrate the occasion. My Mom stayed happy and energetic the whole time. Her sister Barbara dropped by for a visit and she and my Mom had fun remembering old times. When it was over we helped her upstairs (the usual routine) and put her to bed. It was a great day.

Just when I think my emotions are smoothing out, they start to roller coaster again. Yesterday I was really discouraged. I want my Mom to stay with me forever and there are days where I'm just grasping to every minute with her. But then there are days like today where I know she is doing alright. I hope tomorrow she has a nice restful day and some good down time.