I feel the need to get something out of my system. Anything. I can't think of anything new to write about. It was so easy when my Mom was around but now I just live a boring life day to day like I used to. But tonight I really really really miss my Mom and I guess I feel that I should do some writing.
I left work early because it's not very busy at UPS these days and there's always somebody who gets to leave early and tonight it was my turn. I got into my car and began to feel terrible as I started to leave the parking lot. I continued to drive and for some reason I kept looking to the Star Wars air freshener dangling from my rear view mirror. I have a picture of my Mom taped to it. It's a picture from my wedding. She looks a little more proud of me in this picture than any other one I can find so I've always liked it. I felt the urge to pull out my Mom's letter and listen to it. I do this every now and then and although I could probably recite it word for word, I still get something new from it every time.
Tonight I really listened and tried to imagine my Mom as she was saying the words. She tears up a few times and I can tell she's really struggling for "the right thing to say," knowing that this will be all I have to hear her voice in emergencies. That must have been a lot of pressure for her. I know I probably couldn't handle that. She repeats herself too. She tells me to continue to be a kind person more than anything else. I started to see how she viewed me differently from her other kids. We're all different to her but she really seems proud of how "nice" I turned out. I started to flashback to when we would hang out while she was sick and how good I felt despite the crappy situation. I loved just sitting with her as I've probably said a hundred times but I could sit and talk to my Mom forever. We were great friends. I felt so comfortable with her and I loved reliving that memory tonight. She put everyone at ease and that feeling definitely left with her. Then I started to fast forward in my mind to the memories of when I would help her into bed because she couldn't lift her own legs. I started to feel a little more sad, not just because she died, but because her life was difficult toward the end. Then I was hit with the image of all of us lifting her body onto the bed the morning of her death. The memory of being the one to hold her head and how awful that made me feel. I wanted to forget that immediately after it happened and I've done a pretty good job till tonight. My memories of my Mom have definitely evolved since she died. Lately all I can remember are good memories like trips to St. George with her and hearing her chuckle as she waved to people. It was painful to be hit with that memory so hard tonight. But I don't ever want to forget anything about my Mom. Even the bad memories.
I'm starting to calm down a little now. I'm glad I made it home safely because I really don't remember actually driving home. All I can remember is a bunch of flashbacks and a total wave of pure sadness. These waves come a little less frequent lately but tonight was a big one. I think my whole family is going through what I did tonight. We all seem a little sad all day every day but when the waves come, I don't think we can feel anything else. I guess I just wanted to describe one in particular.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
My Epic Return to the Blogging World!!!!
It has been a while since I've even looked at this screen, let alone update anything. But alas, my dear sisters have been hassling me to put something new on my blog for about a month so here it goes....
Ever since my Mom died I have lost my will to...well do a lot of things but most of all, update my blog. It was meant as a way for everyone to check up on my Mom while she was sick and I guess I'm more of an updater than a blogger. But it is good to get back on the horse and do something I enjoy doing and writing is something I enjoy doing a lot. Not much has been going on lately. I am desperately trying to find a new job so I can get on a decent work schedule and live among the normal world for a change. I've applied to a few places but no luck so far. Turns out the skills of box loading I possess are not greatly wanted by companies other than the one's I'm trying to leave. But I'll keep trying. I won't give up till I'm happily adjusting to the new sleep schedule I'm looking forward to so much.
The greatest thing that happened to me in this horrible year was my recent trip out of reality to California and among the sort of people I can get behind. These people being cartoon characters from the great land of Disney. Yes, I left all my cares in Utah and embarked on an epic journey to Disneyland with my wife Megan, my Dad, My sister Amanda, and her family, Brett, Jane and Tobe. We took no prisoners as we spent entire days adventuring through the various lands in the park. We took our first space flights (we have stickers to prove it) on Space Mountain an average of 4.5 times. We loaded the fattest people in our group as well as two heavy and willing strangers onto the logs of Splash Mountain where we were soaked through with the foul waters of Uncle Remus. We even forced the brave young Tobe onto the bobsleds of the Matterhorn to face the snow demons. We did everything there was to do. Hardly any lines to stand in this time of year! The entire park was our oyster! We spent a total of about 30 hours living beyond the doors and forgetting who we were. And the rest of the time was spent eating, swimming in the ocean, fishing, eating, laughing crazily, and sleeping. It was beautiful. There were no nay-sayers allowed. We spent a good few hours hunting down the inhabitants of Disneyland for a picture with them. This was something I'd never done before but I felt surprisingly happy about our decision to do it. We even frolicked through Toon Town not stopping until we bumped into the king himself, Mickey Mouse. I think he was appalled by Meg's and My craziness like desperate paparazzi trying to get a glimpse of the good life. But we got our picture to add to the mix. It was one of the greatest weeks ever. A total eclipse of positivity over an extremely painful year. I think it was just what everybody needed.
Now I'm back and already feeling the post-Disneyland depression. But here are a few pictures of the craziness to hold me over till I go back.
Ever since my Mom died I have lost my will to...well do a lot of things but most of all, update my blog. It was meant as a way for everyone to check up on my Mom while she was sick and I guess I'm more of an updater than a blogger. But it is good to get back on the horse and do something I enjoy doing and writing is something I enjoy doing a lot. Not much has been going on lately. I am desperately trying to find a new job so I can get on a decent work schedule and live among the normal world for a change. I've applied to a few places but no luck so far. Turns out the skills of box loading I possess are not greatly wanted by companies other than the one's I'm trying to leave. But I'll keep trying. I won't give up till I'm happily adjusting to the new sleep schedule I'm looking forward to so much.
The greatest thing that happened to me in this horrible year was my recent trip out of reality to California and among the sort of people I can get behind. These people being cartoon characters from the great land of Disney. Yes, I left all my cares in Utah and embarked on an epic journey to Disneyland with my wife Megan, my Dad, My sister Amanda, and her family, Brett, Jane and Tobe. We took no prisoners as we spent entire days adventuring through the various lands in the park. We took our first space flights (we have stickers to prove it) on Space Mountain an average of 4.5 times. We loaded the fattest people in our group as well as two heavy and willing strangers onto the logs of Splash Mountain where we were soaked through with the foul waters of Uncle Remus. We even forced the brave young Tobe onto the bobsleds of the Matterhorn to face the snow demons. We did everything there was to do. Hardly any lines to stand in this time of year! The entire park was our oyster! We spent a total of about 30 hours living beyond the doors and forgetting who we were. And the rest of the time was spent eating, swimming in the ocean, fishing, eating, laughing crazily, and sleeping. It was beautiful. There were no nay-sayers allowed. We spent a good few hours hunting down the inhabitants of Disneyland for a picture with them. This was something I'd never done before but I felt surprisingly happy about our decision to do it. We even frolicked through Toon Town not stopping until we bumped into the king himself, Mickey Mouse. I think he was appalled by Meg's and My craziness like desperate paparazzi trying to get a glimpse of the good life. But we got our picture to add to the mix. It was one of the greatest weeks ever. A total eclipse of positivity over an extremely painful year. I think it was just what everybody needed.
Now I'm back and already feeling the post-Disneyland depression. But here are a few pictures of the craziness to hold me over till I go back.
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