I feel the need to get something out of my system. Anything. I can't think of anything new to write about. It was so easy when my Mom was around but now I just live a boring life day to day like I used to. But tonight I really really really miss my Mom and I guess I feel that I should do some writing.
I left work early because it's not very busy at UPS these days and there's always somebody who gets to leave early and tonight it was my turn. I got into my car and began to feel terrible as I started to leave the parking lot. I continued to drive and for some reason I kept looking to the Star Wars air freshener dangling from my rear view mirror. I have a picture of my Mom taped to it. It's a picture from my wedding. She looks a little more proud of me in this picture than any other one I can find so I've always liked it. I felt the urge to pull out my Mom's letter and listen to it. I do this every now and then and although I could probably recite it word for word, I still get something new from it every time.
Tonight I really listened and tried to imagine my Mom as she was saying the words. She tears up a few times and I can tell she's really struggling for "the right thing to say," knowing that this will be all I have to hear her voice in emergencies. That must have been a lot of pressure for her. I know I probably couldn't handle that. She repeats herself too. She tells me to continue to be a kind person more than anything else. I started to see how she viewed me differently from her other kids. We're all different to her but she really seems proud of how "nice" I turned out. I started to flashback to when we would hang out while she was sick and how good I felt despite the crappy situation. I loved just sitting with her as I've probably said a hundred times but I could sit and talk to my Mom forever. We were great friends. I felt so comfortable with her and I loved reliving that memory tonight. She put everyone at ease and that feeling definitely left with her. Then I started to fast forward in my mind to the memories of when I would help her into bed because she couldn't lift her own legs. I started to feel a little more sad, not just because she died, but because her life was difficult toward the end. Then I was hit with the image of all of us lifting her body onto the bed the morning of her death. The memory of being the one to hold her head and how awful that made me feel. I wanted to forget that immediately after it happened and I've done a pretty good job till tonight. My memories of my Mom have definitely evolved since she died. Lately all I can remember are good memories like trips to St. George with her and hearing her chuckle as she waved to people. It was painful to be hit with that memory so hard tonight. But I don't ever want to forget anything about my Mom. Even the bad memories.
I'm starting to calm down a little now. I'm glad I made it home safely because I really don't remember actually driving home. All I can remember is a bunch of flashbacks and a total wave of pure sadness. These waves come a little less frequent lately but tonight was a big one. I think my whole family is going through what I did tonight. We all seem a little sad all day every day but when the waves come, I don't think we can feel anything else. I guess I just wanted to describe one in particular.
3 comments:
Beautiful. She is on our minds so much. Becky said, "I sure have been thinking of Kathy a lot." Well, Josh, it is still so sad. Monday was the first day I have had any ambition at all since she died. I think and hope I might be getting some motivation back. I have been shocked at how hard it hits when someone close to us dies. Now I look at others who have gone through it differently. Until we go through it ourselves, who konws. Your Mom loved your spirit and talked of you so often. You are a kind person and you will be OK. Just keep feeling the feelings. Our prayers are still with your Dad and your whole family. Much love.
I did the same thing last night. We miss her so much.
Tears Tears Tears!
As I reflect on the sadness of the summer, I also remember the great "moments" even if they were just 30 second moments.
The moment she was wheeled into the upstairs "nook" for Pagoda's - it could have been any food served but the moment she joined the table and we were all one big family at one table - she was so happy.
I recall a sweet conversation about how beautiful she was. You know Mom - conversations like that made her uncomfortable. Not this time, for a moment I had a conversation about her beauty while putting on her make-up. I would have NEVER been able to say these things "comfortably" if we didn't know she would be leaving us.
Sitting in her room with all six kids and Mom and Mad - who does that now days?? Not many people get to sit as an entire family and happily listen and love each other.
I miss her old self too - I love to call Dad's house and hear her on the answering machine. She says; "Thanks - Bye" exactly how she used to.
I can vividly visualize her hands. The way she would twirl them around or raise them up while singing. I miss her so much.
We are all in different places right now. Some are extremely sad and others are doing okay - kinda rotating with each other in feelings. I am not angry or mad anymore (today at least) but I have an overwhelming sadness for our dad. He misses her so much. We all miss her but Dad lost his soul-mate. My heart aches for him. He is such an amazing man that loves traditions, holidays, his family. He loves to share those things with his wife and he can't right now. It is so unfair.
You have been such a sweet person to us all. My kids love spending time with Uncle Josh. You have spent time consoling, loving and listening to us all these past 11 weeks. Just like Mom - you have worried more about everyone else. You are so good to us all. Thanks Josh.
Keep being the "kind" person you have always been. I love you!
Thanks for letting me ramble. :)
I miss her so much. I don't think I will ever stop missing her. She is our mom. No one can top that. But we are lucky to have each other to share our pain.
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