Megan

Yesterday was the 1 month mark since my Mom died. This didn't even occur to me til today but I definitely felt it yesterday. This week I haven't been thinking about my Mom very much. I have kept very busy and I have been doing some double-shifts to make some extra money. So I've been going in to work at around 5:00 in the evening and coming home at around 3:00 in the morning. Megan works from 8:00 to 5:00. A normal work shift. So I haven't seen much of her this week. Or my Dad. Or my Brother. I've sort of kept to myself this week. During work last night I started to feel guilty for not thinking of my Mom as often as I used to. I shrugged the feeling off and continued to work. After work I got in my car and I noticed that "The Prayer" by Josh Groban was in my head. I thought it was really strange because I'd been listening to nothing but heavy metal in my headphones all week. As I started to think of the song I was suddenly kicked back into the week of the funeral. This song played maybe 15,000 times that week since it was featured on my Mom's slideshow. This was also the song that played during her horse show tribute. It was one of my Mom's favorite songs I think. I suddenly began to cry feeling terrible that I have not kept my Mom in my thoughts as much. I've also been trying hard to keep my Dad feeling okay since she died but not this week. I just haven't been around. I got home and couldn't sleep. The tears kept pouring out as I lied in bed. Megan woke up to me crying and she put her arm around me saying "It's ok." I think she was a little confused because I haven't been like this since the week my Mom died. It all caught up to me and I felt miserable and alone once more. Megan made it all better as she does all the time. She stayed up til after 5:00 AM with me till I fell asleep. I really take her for granted. She works so hard for everybody, but especially me.



It was her birthday recently and her boss got us not a hotel room, but a whole basement apartment in Park City for a weekend. It was very nice of them and it was great to get away from reality for a few days. I loved to see Megan not worrying about anybody but herself for a while. She deserves it. We went to dinner on Main Street. We drove over to the Homestead for some fudge (Meg's favorite.) And we rode the Alpine Coaster, which whoops the Alpine Slide's butt. We came back and she was already offering to help others around her. She took a long lunch the other day to come get Manda's kids and take them to Arctic Circle while Manda cleaned the house. I couldn't help because I had to go paint in Orem. But Meg's always willing to help. Thanks Meg. I love you.

This Week's Update: Adam vs The Wasps

This week we kept pretty busy. The sadness comes in waves and when it comes, it comes with a terrible vengeance. It will hit me with a memory of fun times I had with my Mom. One in particular was one time I was driving her to Huntsman before she was really sick and she was singing Beatles songs with me and showing me where she grew up. Just me and her out for a good drive. Then we got to Huntsman and her mood changed. Realization set in as she saw the patients entering the building and she became very scared. This memory just seems to sum up what happened to her over the last few months of her life. These memories creep into my mind and I need to leave the room and "let it out." But for the most part this week we are enjoying the company of each other in our family. Manda, Dawn and I have hung out a lot this week. Going to lunch, hangin with the kids, the usual. It feels like it did before cancer. Except for the absence of my Mom. The other day we fed the horse that lives behind us and Tobe was really scared but excited to be that close to the the big animal. It was funny.



Today is Megan's birthday and her Mom came to visit from South Carolina and I'm always happy to see her. I miss her these days. While Meg has been at work I have been helping my Dad get the trailer ready for our trip to Payson next week. It's the 79th Annual Onion Days Celebration which means a weekend full of carnival rides, dutch oven cuisine, golf, boating, and a little "family overload." But nothing I can't handle. It will be the first without Mom so we'll see how that goes. My prediction is it will be sad but everything seems better when we are all together so I'm sure we'll get through it feeling ok. It'll be fun. So back to the trailer - my Dad has been de-winterizing it so it will be ready next week. He asked me to climb up to the roof and remove the cover from the air conditioner. As I began to untie the tightening rope from the cover I noticed a wasp crawl out from under it. Then another. Then another. They swarmed me with a warning threat and I retreated. Coward. My Dad went to the garage to look for some bee killer but no luck. So Adam and I went to the store to get some. I found a can of the poison and on the label it said it shoots 27 feet of the stuff, killing on impact. Sweet! We got home and Adam wanted to do honors. He suited up in his Peruvian hoody with the hood pulled tight over his head. He whipped the cover back from the air conditioner and began to aim the can on them. As he shot they attacked. He ran, not back towards the ladder but to the roof of our house and he jumped. He had dropped the can next to the hive and he was cowering on the roof under the swarm. He rushed back dodging wasp after wasp and grabbed the can and emptied the thing on the nest. The attacking wasps began to fall as the poison sunk in to their systems. They were loosing the battle. I threw a stick up to him. He caught it and rushed to the nest. He swiped it several times until it was reduced to rubble. He had won.

Small Things I Miss...

So far, this week has been.... ok. I have not felt the empty pain of losing my Mom quite as constant as last week. Though not a minute goes by that I'm not reminded of how much I miss her. I am beginning to forget about my sick Mom and I'm starting to crave my old Mom. The one who worked at Aaron's office and called me every day for lunch. The one who wore Crocs shoes, colorful reading glasses, and Coldwater Creek white shirts that all looked the same. The one who always wanted me to stay for dinner after helping her all day with yard work. The one who would call me every day to see how I was doing and tell me to stop working at night when I said I was tired. I miss being able to call her for advice that nobody else could give. I miss making her laugh when I'd say something stupid without thinking. I miss sitting on the floor next to her computer while she played freecell and talking her ear off about what's going on in my life (and knowing she was listening to every word.) I miss her every minute of every day. I don't know how to fill the void except to just keep busy so that's what I've been doing. That's all we can do. I hope this gets easier.

So You're Really Not Coming Back?

I don't know Mom that just seems a little rude. I hope you're enjoying yourself while we're sick to death missing you. Actually the past few days haven't been too bad. Last night Megan and I went out to dinner with my Dad and had a nice evening hanging out with him. Today my sisters are helping him set up his bank accounts with the new change in his life. We also went to lunch with him. He has seemed pretty happy so far today.

This week has been scary. I can't quite explain how I've felt because it's been so inconsistent. I've never felt anything like this. I'm very uncomfortable with my life right now. I keep having anxiety attacks to the point of physical sickness. It's weird. On Monday I was really anxious about going back to work and when I got there I didn't want to be there or talk to anybody. I just wanted to do my job and go home. Tuesday was nothing but a wave of pure sadness and anger. I cried till there were no more tears. I was completely tapped out by the end of the day and I spent my time at work just thinking to myself about things other than my Mom and trying not to puke. It sucked. Wednesday was not much better and by Yesterday I was ready for a change. I want to shake my life up even more. I want a new job and a new life schedule so that my old life with my Mom will be gone completely. If I can't have my old life with my Mom, then I want a completely new life so to speak. I was slightly happier yesterday and I spent a lot of time hangin with my sister Amanda and her kids. We went to the mall for lunch so her kids could ride the carousel and then we went up to my Mom's grave. We hung out up there for probably almost an hour just talking about Mom and planning our trip to California next month. Then I went home and Meg and I went to dinner with my Dad. He was also having a better day. This week was really hard for him too. Little things remind him of how different life is. He had to fill out some paperwork at his office and for the first time in forty years he had to check the marital status box for "single." That was a heavy reminder of how permanent the situation really is.

Today has been really good. My Dad has spent it with his kids getting things done and hanging out. We are planning a trip with him next month. Meg and I had planned to go to San Diego next month for a meeting for Meg's new job with the Extradition Officials. My Dad is good friends with them so he wanted to tag along. Manda has been wanting to hit up Disneyland with her kids so we added her family to the Mix. So now we are going to make it a nice week long getaway. I'm really glad my Dad is coming with us. He needs a vacation.

I know that things will always be up and down now that Mom is gone but this week was ridiculous. Hopefully we can continue to have a good weekend and kick this week to the curb. Next week WILL be better.

My Mom's Funeral...

Last week we kept really busy to produce a memorable funeral for my Mom. Dawn did an excellent job decorating the church with pictures and objects that reminded us all of the life of Kat Bean. It looked really good. On Wednesday we had a viewing and I couldn't believe the turn out. Holy cow!!! My Mom was really popular. The line stretched around the church and almost to the doors. It may have been out the doors at one point. It was about an hour and a half wait standing in that line. I saw a bunch of old friends of mine as well as some old neighbors that were great friends of my Mom and Dad. Though it was nice to see old faces, I couldn't enjoy myself. I felt very anxious all night and I just wanted to go for a drive or something.

On Thursday we had the funeral. It started with another viewing an hour before which had another huge turnout. Then we shut the doors for our final goodbyes. It was a very sad experience to know I was looking at my Mom's face for the last time. I placed her pin she received when I became an Eagle Scout in her hand and said my goodbyes. We closed the casket and the funeral began. Each of my siblings and I were asked to talk at the funeral. We each prepared a tribute for her. We gave them in chronological order starting with my oldest sister Jenn. In each of our speeches we said how we all thought of ourselves as our Mom's true best friend. It was an appropriate joke considering the fact that she was a best friend to each of us on unique and personal levels. My brother, Adam and I played the song he wrote for her in Peru. It was fun to play for a huge crowd. I don't think I've done that before. After we all delivered our tributes and the audience was nice and sad, we drove up to the cemetery. Adam dedicated the grave and we all placed our Livestrong bracelets on the casket. It was a nice day and the cemetery looked peaceful and calm. After the graveside service, we went back to the church for a lunch prepared by some ward members. By the time we were done eating we were all ready to just crash and sleep for the rest of the day. But we still had to clean up the church which brought me down. But we cleaned it fast and I went home and took a long nap. Busy day.









Thanks to everyone who came to show their support.

What's going on?

Tonight has been perhaps the hardest for me. I feel like I'm homesick but I'm home. I want so much to be with my Mom. I want to hear her voice and see her. I don't get it. She's been gone for over a week but I'm now feeling the effects. She's gone and I can't grasp that concept. She's supposed to be here. I felt so sorry for my Dad when he told me he was driving home from work for the first time to his house without his wife. But now I'm about to leave for work and I want my Mom to be here when I get back. It's such a crappy thought to know that she won't be here. I hope this feeling will pass soon. I'm anxious, nervous, sick, and above all, mad. Why did this have to happen?

How Are We Doin???

This has been a strange week. We have all kept very busy to keep our minds off of the harsh reality. Most of the days before Thursday were spent planning the funeral. (I'll cover how the funeral went when I get some pictures.) We took my Dad boating at Utah lake yesterday and had a ton of fun. He cruised around on the wave runners and drove the boat around. He did things I've never seen him do. I think maybe he was cuttin loose a little. We had a picnic with all the leftovers from meals people have given us. As fun as it was, Mom wasn't there and we felt it. We miss her so much. I knew we would but it's really painful. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I wanted to come home and tell Mom about my day but I couldn't.

Tonight we took Dad out to dinner. He hasn't been out to a restaurant in a long time and it was really fun for him. After dinner I asked if we could swing by Mom's grave sight. We drove up to the cemetery and immediately we missed our Mom. I just want this joke to be over and things to return to normal. The sun started to set right above her spot covered with flowers. It was really beautiful. My Dad was extremely sad but he seemed to feel at peace. We all wish we could take away his pain.

Each night is tough for me personally. My Dad is more sad in the mornings when he wakes up alone in his room. Each day we find something to do to occupy our time. We're going to be ok. It will just take some time.





We love you Mom!! We miss you!