I don't know Mom that just seems a little rude. I hope you're enjoying yourself while we're sick to death missing you. Actually the past few days haven't been too bad. Last night Megan and I went out to dinner with my Dad and had a nice evening hanging out with him. Today my sisters are helping him set up his bank accounts with the new change in his life. We also went to lunch with him. He has seemed pretty happy so far today.
This week has been scary. I can't quite explain how I've felt because it's been so inconsistent. I've never felt anything like this. I'm very uncomfortable with my life right now. I keep having anxiety attacks to the point of physical sickness. It's weird. On Monday I was really anxious about going back to work and when I got there I didn't want to be there or talk to anybody. I just wanted to do my job and go home. Tuesday was nothing but a wave of pure sadness and anger. I cried till there were no more tears. I was completely tapped out by the end of the day and I spent my time at work just thinking to myself about things other than my Mom and trying not to puke. It sucked. Wednesday was not much better and by Yesterday I was ready for a change. I want to shake my life up even more. I want a new job and a new life schedule so that my old life with my Mom will be gone completely. If I can't have my old life with my Mom, then I want a completely new life so to speak. I was slightly happier yesterday and I spent a lot of time hangin with my sister Amanda and her kids. We went to the mall for lunch so her kids could ride the carousel and then we went up to my Mom's grave. We hung out up there for probably almost an hour just talking about Mom and planning our trip to California next month. Then I went home and Meg and I went to dinner with my Dad. He was also having a better day. This week was really hard for him too. Little things remind him of how different life is. He had to fill out some paperwork at his office and for the first time in forty years he had to check the marital status box for "single." That was a heavy reminder of how permanent the situation really is.
Today has been really good. My Dad has spent it with his kids getting things done and hanging out. We are planning a trip with him next month. Meg and I had planned to go to San Diego next month for a meeting for Meg's new job with the Extradition Officials. My Dad is good friends with them so he wanted to tag along. Manda has been wanting to hit up Disneyland with her kids so we added her family to the Mix. So now we are going to make it a nice week long getaway. I'm really glad my Dad is coming with us. He needs a vacation.
I know that things will always be up and down now that Mom is gone but this week was ridiculous. Hopefully we can continue to have a good weekend and kick this week to the curb. Next week WILL be better.
12 comments:
Still thinking of you guys a lot. I hope things do get a little easier for all of you. I hope your dad is doing ok.
Hi Josh,
It is 2:30 am, I'm in a hotel room and I can't sleep. I can't figure out why she is gone. I stare into the dark of the night, and I wonder what she is doing and where she is. Nothing makes sense. I'm so sad!!
Going out of town destracts you during the day, but the nights go on forever.
Hope you had a good night at work.
Love you & see you soon!
Josh, I keep thinking how lucky you are that you have a big, close, loving family to help get you all through this. (Plus the best wife in Utah!!)
Dawn, the picture of your son with his crocks and spidey suit is pretty funny.
Hi Josh, My feelings pretty much concer with everyone else. I think about all of you so often.Aaron and Dawn were here in Reno this last week. It was just grear seeing them again , in a different setting. My heart just goes out to my sweet Dawn. The feelings of anxiety and not knowing what to do with it , are real. trust me.Stay close to each other, that will keep you buoyed up. All of you kids bring strength in different ways.Continue to take care of your Dad,it will help immensely. Dawn, I also had to just sit and chuckle when I saw the pic of Hadie in his spider man suit with his pink/red crocs. What a "crazy" little boy he is, as His Daddy would say. It was wonderful to see you and my Son. Got Aaron's msg. this am that your time at Lake Tahoe was great. We Love You Both Jan/Mom and Hans.
I find myself still checking the blog to see how you are all doing.
Josh - my mom passed when I was 15 years old and I am now 50 and remember it like yesterday. You will go on to do great things. The days get easier, but don't worry, you will never forget. It is okay to move on and that is what your Mom would have wanted for you and your siblings.
You will always miss her and I must be honest that after 35 years, there are still days that I want my Mom.
I think that your family is handling the situation in a healthy way and I am so glad that you all had those personal moments with her.
I look forward to seeing you in San Diego and I am so pleased that your Dad is going to be there also.
Jen
Hey Josh. You know me somewhat, Susan president of the NAEO. I have been reading your blogs for a long time. Often they are sad. But none so sad as recently. I understand but I also know your Mom Kathy is watching you still. So keep the smile in your heart for her and do not dwell on the last memories. You know she would prefer the great memories. I rememeber only smiles and a view just above those wild glasses, when she said in her eyes, oh Susan you are something! I know I had a space in her heart as she has in mine and will forever. Please find peace in her beauty still. She will always be remembered in this person as a smiling, wonderful, lady who I will miss forever.
Hey Josh. You know me somewhat, Susan president of the NAEO. I have been reading your blogs for a long time. Often they are sad. But none so sad as recently. I understand but I also know your Mom Kathy is watching you still. So keep the smile in your heart for her and do not dwell on the last memories. You know she would prefer the great memories. I rememeber only smiles and a view just above those wild glasses, when she said in her eyes, oh Susan you are something! I know I had a space in her heart as she has in mine and will forever. Please find peace in her beauty still. She will always be remembered in this person as a smiling, wonderful, lady who I will miss forever.
OK I am also a spazz and published the same thoughts twice. At least I am consistent! Smile always, life is too short to rush through.
Josh! It id 3:02 s, Dun. Just catching up on your blog and thinking about your guys. Promise to bring "it" to you on Monday. Say "Hi" to Megan. Barbara D.
sorry for misspelling half of what I sent. It is 3:02 am on Sunday. Have a better day!
Josh, That song is so perfect. I have listened to it 20 times. There will be an answer --we just have to let it be and wait. Takes time.
Josh,
It DOES take time and it DOES suck but it also DOES get better, I promise. I agree with what everyone else wrote, it is okay to move on, I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it is what your mom wants you to do. I am just heartsick for you right now, it is such an awful thing to feel this way. I hope this week is better, it has to be right? I am thinking of you still and praying for comfort for all of you. The grief process takes time and it is something that you have to experience. It will get easier.
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