The First Treatment is Over...

Today is over and I can finally go to bed. I will try to forget this day though I learned a lot about myself. I learned where my breaking point is. I'm normally not an inspirational kind of guy but this past week, I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping spirits high. Today though, I'm just not in the mood. My tender soul has split for a while and left me feeling bitter. The reason; chemo. How much can one take? I can't even begin to imagine how my Mom must feel but I do know how I feel. I feel tired, depressed, frustrated, irritable, etc. This treatment is evil! It's over with now, thank goodness, but it has definitely left its mark. Plus, we know it will return in 23 days. My Mom is wiped out. Like a strong sand castle facing a high tide. She has to rebuild herself enough so that when the next wave comes, she can withstand it. She needs all the help she can get.

I hate to sound so bitter but today was just hard. I felt helpless while I just sat and watched my Mom at her absolute worst. This chemo could destroy her will to live if she let it. I needed reinforcements. Luckily my family is equipped with seven other people, each with unique ways of helping. However, sometimes we are likely to clash and it does happen but now is not the time. We are so strong when we stick together and that is what Mom needs. Sorry if I passed on any bitterness to anyone today. (I did a lot of venting.) The next few weeks are what we have all been looking forward to. I can't wait to see Mom bounce back. I know she will! She has the best cancer-fighting army behind her. Keep fighting Mom!

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but sometimes enough is enough. I cannot watch her continue like this. I will lose my mind if I haven't already. OK I think I've whined enough so it's out of my system. Life's too short for bitterness anyway. We all have bad days and I know everyone can relate so please be kind with your comments. If I haven't thanked everyone enough I'll throw one more out there... Thank you everybody for all your support.

Fathers Day

Today was Fathers Day. My Mom wasn't feeling her best and there was a huge family party in the works so most of us were feeling a little nervous. I guess we didn't want to bombard her. Saturday was pretty rough for her. None of us visited her all day because she was so tired. (She hasn't been sleeping too well.) Dawn went over for a visit Saturday evening and said she didn't look like she was getting better. So today must have been overwhelming for her.

The party started at around 5:00 and our whole family started to file into the house. We cooked BBQ and had a nice time with each others' company. Someone was missing though. My Mom spent the whole time in her bedroom. Since her immune system is much weaker these days, due to the chemo, she was advised to stay away from children who might be sick. We all took our turns checking up on her though. She had a few visits from her friends and extended family. Also her sister Barb stopped by with her two kids, Chris and Megan. She visited until about 8:30 so we figured she would be wiped out. Luckily my sister Jenn stayed with her to give her a back rub. That helped her relax and I think it kept her going through the day.



After she was done visiting we were ready to give my Dad his Fathers Day gifts. This usually happens in my parents' living room but tonight was different. We all crowded into their bedroom so my Mom could be a part of it. We pulled out some folding chairs and piled onto their bed so we could all fit. Aaron (my brother-in-law) brought my Mom some surgical masks to protect her from the "deadly" grandchildren. It was great.



Tonight was just another example of how great my family is. We are so close. I can always rely on my sisters for advice or anything in general that I need help with and they never complain. I can always call them if I am feeling bummed out and I always feel better after talking to them. For some strange reason I never feel more relaxed than when we are all together for family parties. (Even with all their kids running around. This feeling may not be mutual since I don't have kids yet.) They have all told me this week how helpful I have been for my Mom but I just hope they all know how much they have helped me. I love you guys. : ) Thanks for staying positive. We will get through this.

I would also like my Dad to know how proud of him I am. This was a rough weekend but he has stayed strong and kept his spirits high. He takes such great care of my Mom. He puts her before everything. He never lets work get in the way of his family and I have learned a lot from him one what's really important. I love you Dad. Stay strong. Happy Fathers Day!

Finally! The crap days payoff!!!

Today was great!!! Finally!!! I went to my Mom's house at around 9:30 this morning to find her not in her chair. Not hunched over struggling for air. Not wincing in pain. "I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth!" She yelled. I could already tell that her voice had a healthy tone to it. I peeked my head in and she was standing there at her sink with a smile on her face. Yes!!! Improvement!! She still spent a good amount of the afternoon in her chair but not the whole day. Most of her day was spent near her computer visiting with her kids. Megan even dropped Jane (one of the many grandkids) off to stay with us and being the dork that I am, I fell asleep while my Mom babysat her. I woke up panicking, thinking I let my guard down in a moment of weakness that my Mom would have to pay for but, there she was watching cartoons with her granddaughter still smiling. Most of my sisters made appearances throughout the day starting with Dawn and Aaron, followed by Jenn and Amanda with special guests Jessica, Tobe and Aly. (More grandkids) and nobody could bring my Mom down. She was strong and held her own. She loves all of us and we all bring her spirits up so high. She truly is the center of our family. The glue holding us together. She finished her day by heading downstairs for dinner. (She hasn't been downstairs for almost 2 days.) After dinner I gave her a blessing and left her feeling happy.


I caught her playing freecell today. This is her favorite game and I always used to catch her playing it when she said she was working. This brought back some good memories. It's good to have my Mom back. : )

Thank you to everyone who prays for her. Everyone who thinks of her. Everyone who visits her and brings her dinner. Everyone who sends her flowers. Everyone who does her yard work for her (I really appreciate that one.) Everyone who has stayed so close with her throughout her life. She would not be having such great days without all of her reasons to live. You know who you are. Thanks again.

My First Experience With Chemo

OK. The treatment has begun. My Mom is actually among the (way too many) people who are treating cancer with chemotherapy. I have to tell myself that it could be worse. She could have to go to the hospital 4-5 times a week but she doesn't. She could be bald but she's not and most likely won't be. She is, however, trapped. She's stuck in her chair. She's tethered down to her house by a long plastic oxygen hose. She can't move and has no energy. Yes, it could be worse. But seeing her like this is terrible.


I know this is hard to look at. I'm sorry.


Today was hard. This is a huge hill to climb but I'm confident the payoff will be worth it. My Mom was sitting in her recliner, her head drooped and her breathing deep for most of the day. I ran a few errands for her but for the most part I just sat with her. She had a few hours where she felt better and she even got up out of her chair to go check her email. That was a shred of hope and I'm really happy that she could muster up a little strength. My sister Dawn was a huge help today. She spent the whole morning with her and she gave her a nice little pep talk. That helped a lot. She also said some very nice things to me and I hope she knows how much a appreciate it. My relationship with my Mom is so great right now. We've always been close but Dawn reinforced just how great we are for each other today. (Thanks Dawn.)

I hope my Mom feels better after this first week of treatment. I just want her to be able to do things without a struggle. I wish I could just take it from her for like a day so she can go on a date with my Dad. She doesn't deserve to feel like this everyday. She has been such a great Mom to all of us and it isn't fair that she is the one going through this. But my hopes are still high that she won't feel like this soon. She is a fighter and she has a great support system behind her. Keep fighting Mom!!! You're the best!

Let the healing begin...

Today my mom's chemo arrived on her doorstep. She can finally start treating her cancer!! Not much else happened today. We did a lot of extradition work to get ready for the conference in Arizona next week. I'm getting really excited to go. (This place is just too depressing.) Megan will be handling most of the conference by herself and we all hope she's ready. I think she'll do fine. I just really hope my mom will come too. But if she can't that's ok. That's why God invented cell phones. : )

I'm really excited for my mom to start chemo tonight. I know her energy will be drained but that just means the medicine is doing its job shrinking those damned tumors in her lungs. I can't wait for the day that she can make it up her stairs without stopping for minutes at a time to catch her breath. That is really hard to watch.

I just want to thank everybody for their nice comments. This is becoming a great therapy for me and it feels good to hear feedback from genuine people who care. My mom needs all of us right now. She is not quite as excited to start treatment as we are for her, but I really feel that it will help. It better...

The fight is still on...

Wow. It's 2:45 AM, I just got home from a hellishly dull night at work and I'm still excited about how great today was. What a difference a day can make. My mom seems to have a little fighting spirit in her again. Not much, but enough to notice. I went over to her house and she was doing her extradition work and playing with Aly (my niece who's almost 1) while my sister Amanda cleaned. Then I ran some errands and my mom actually wanted to come with me! We ate lunch at around 1:00 and then my woman Megan came to do some extradition work and before we knew it, it was 5:00 and my mom still had a good amount of stamina. This doesn't sound very exciting but I can't tell you enough just how happy I was to see my mom back on track. Compared to the day before, I assure you, THIS IS EXCITING! Then my dad came home and we ate dinner and planned our trip to Arizona next week. My mom still wants to come and I hope she will. If she keeps having good days like these, then maybe I will get to have a nice vacation with my mom. I'll keep my fingers crossed. : )

I know that things are bad. I know that I'll have really crappy days seeing my mom struggle. I know that I'm not supposed to get my hopes up too high but I don't care. If we are going to do this on a day-to-day basis then I want to celebrate the good days. My hopes are high. It would take a lot to bring me down right now. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Maybe my mom will stick around longer than the stupid statistics are telling me.

My Day

Today was a sad day. Not the worst day ever, nothing out of the ordinary really happened. To those who don't know the situation; My mom has cancer. She has stage 4 melanoma with tumors in her lymph nodes, lungs, and brain (though they were removed from her brain last week.) I guess I'm still in the stage where I don't quite accept it. I'm mad, frustrated, sad, and scared. I'm a total momma's boy and the thought of her leaving me terrifies me.

She was supposed to start Chemo yesterday but the insurance company will not approve it. Her doctor is trying to appeal it but it will take another 17 days. That's time we don't have. My dad is just going to buy the Chemo himself. 3500 per week.

Today I did my usual routine of going to my mom's house in Draper to help her out. I work during the night so I get to help her while everyone else is at work during the day. I love the time we spend together. I usually go get groceries for her or do any heavy lifting she needs. Today though, I had to get her laundry started for her. She's getting weaker. She can't do things on her own that she normally could do even on her worst day. I don't know what to do. Today was the day I finally lost it. I haven't cried like this since I was a little kid. I gave her a hug as I was getting ready to leave and I finally realized and gave in to what I really am - a child who doesn't want his mom to leave him. I didn't want to let go of her. I just sobbed into her shoulder. She began to cry too and said that she would start to feel better once she starts her Chemo tomorrow. I hope she does. I HATE to see her like this.

I left her house and got into my car. I took out my ipod that my 4 year old niece, Jane was playing with earlier and pressed play. "Baby Mine" from the movie Dumbo started playing. I cried even harder while sort of laughing. The universe is definitely an evil one.