My Day

Today was a sad day. Not the worst day ever, nothing out of the ordinary really happened. To those who don't know the situation; My mom has cancer. She has stage 4 melanoma with tumors in her lymph nodes, lungs, and brain (though they were removed from her brain last week.) I guess I'm still in the stage where I don't quite accept it. I'm mad, frustrated, sad, and scared. I'm a total momma's boy and the thought of her leaving me terrifies me.

She was supposed to start Chemo yesterday but the insurance company will not approve it. Her doctor is trying to appeal it but it will take another 17 days. That's time we don't have. My dad is just going to buy the Chemo himself. 3500 per week.

Today I did my usual routine of going to my mom's house in Draper to help her out. I work during the night so I get to help her while everyone else is at work during the day. I love the time we spend together. I usually go get groceries for her or do any heavy lifting she needs. Today though, I had to get her laundry started for her. She's getting weaker. She can't do things on her own that she normally could do even on her worst day. I don't know what to do. Today was the day I finally lost it. I haven't cried like this since I was a little kid. I gave her a hug as I was getting ready to leave and I finally realized and gave in to what I really am - a child who doesn't want his mom to leave him. I didn't want to let go of her. I just sobbed into her shoulder. She began to cry too and said that she would start to feel better once she starts her Chemo tomorrow. I hope she does. I HATE to see her like this.

I left her house and got into my car. I took out my ipod that my 4 year old niece, Jane was playing with earlier and pressed play. "Baby Mine" from the movie Dumbo started playing. I cried even harder while sort of laughing. The universe is definitely an evil one.