Today is over and I can finally go to bed. I will try to forget this day though I learned a lot about myself. I learned where my breaking point is. I'm normally not an inspirational kind of guy but this past week, I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping spirits high. Today though, I'm just not in the mood. My tender soul has split for a while and left me feeling bitter. The reason; chemo. How much can one take? I can't even begin to imagine how my Mom must feel but I do know how I feel. I feel tired, depressed, frustrated, irritable, etc. This treatment is evil! It's over with now, thank goodness, but it has definitely left its mark. Plus, we know it will return in 23 days. My Mom is wiped out. Like a strong sand castle facing a high tide. She has to rebuild herself enough so that when the next wave comes, she can withstand it. She needs all the help she can get.
I hate to sound so bitter but today was just hard. I felt helpless while I just sat and watched my Mom at her absolute worst. This chemo could destroy her will to live if she let it. I needed reinforcements. Luckily my family is equipped with seven other people, each with unique ways of helping. However, sometimes we are likely to clash and it does happen but now is not the time. We are so strong when we stick together and that is what Mom needs. Sorry if I passed on any bitterness to anyone today. (I did a lot of venting.) The next few weeks are what we have all been looking forward to. I can't wait to see Mom bounce back. I know she will! She has the best cancer-fighting army behind her. Keep fighting Mom!
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but sometimes enough is enough. I cannot watch her continue like this. I will lose my mind if I haven't already. OK I think I've whined enough so it's out of my system. Life's too short for bitterness anyway. We all have bad days and I know everyone can relate so please be kind with your comments. If I haven't thanked everyone enough I'll throw one more out there... Thank you everybody for all your support.
5 comments:
It's ok to vent. Just not to mom:) We are all here for each other no matter what. We will get through this. Just be strong because you really are the best thing for mom right now. (and for the rest of us because we know mom is in good hands while you are there) so thanks and feel free to vent all you want.
Josh, When I talked to your Mom last night around 9:30, she was feeling a little better, so let's hope the atomic bomb pills are working on the cancer now. It is OK to have a break-down, in fact it is good for you. You have been a rock for your Mom and you will be again. Thank YOU for all you are doing for your family. Much love.
Oh Josh, Chemo is such a double-edged sword. It's the only hope for a lot of people and a lot of cancers yet it can be so ugly. I am sorry you have to witness your mom going through so much. I know how incredibly hard it is and I can totally relate with you feeling like you are going to lose your sanity. You won't though. Each day is a new day and your strength will be renewed and you'll be able to fight again. So will your mom, you guys just keep doing what you are doing. She needs your fighting spirit. I can't believe how awesome you are and how much you are doing for your mom. You will NEVER EVER regret all the time you are giving her, I promise you that. Keep up what you are doing and vent away, it's better than letting the bitterness get to you. I am thinking of you and all of your family-Talk to you later, Adrian
Hang in there Josh. Use this blog to vent all you want. I keep thinking of your mom and all she is going through right now, it is truly a nightmare. We are thinking of her and praying for her. I hope and pray that she can at least feel some peace and comfort.
I've posted a few comments on Amanda's blog but I hope it's alright if I post one you. It is ok to vent. You have to otherwise you would just explode. It's ok to have days where you don't feel like you can handle this. I had those all the time when my mom was fighting her cancer and frankly, I still have them. But, I'm still here. You are doing the best you can for your mom and for your family and you are doing an amazing job. I also think it's normal that your family isn't always going to get along perfectly. You are all under a massive amount of stress. I think your family is doing wonderfully under the circumstances and will continue to do so. My sister and I couldn't be closer after all that we have been through together even though there were some rough spots along the way. I've already said this before but I wanted to say again that your family is always in my thoughts and I always have a prayer in my heart for you guys.
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