I went downstairs to put the pudding in the fridge and the phone rang. I heard her answer it so I kept trying to find room in the fridge. Then I heard her yell for me but I wasn't sure if I heard correctly. She yelled again and I ran upstairs as fast as I could. She was putting her head down on the table and holding the phone out for me to take. It was my Dad. He told me he was on his way home to take her to see her doctor at Huntsman Cancer Institute. They wanted to check on her since she's not eating too well. My Mom HATES going to the doctor. Needless to say she was pretty mad at my Dad. He came to get her and I rode with them to Huntsman.
We arrived there and I was kind of looking forward to what the doctor would say. I'm sick of wondering what's going on and I was excited to finally be getting some answers. The doctor came into the room after a long discussion with my Mom's nurse and I could tell by the look on his face that he was discouraged. He told us that her chemo she was taking didn't do anything to her tumors. They were actually much worse. Her next choice was either to just sign up for hospice care at home to stay comfortable as she passes away, or take steroids to try to shrink her tumors and possibly get her energy and appetite back. This will only be a delay. He kept saying that she simply cannot be cured. She decided to go for the steroids but she also wanted the hospice care. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The chemo didn't do ANYTHING?! Steroids? Hospice? I felt totally numb. I cried the whole way home. I was angry. I was sad. I was terrified.
We got home and my sisters were all there waiting for us. They stayed the whole evening. We had a very nice time sitting around the living room asking my Mom questions about her life. We laughed and cried and the whole experience left me feeling a bit better. Then the nurse from hospice came and explained what to expect. I'm glad that I know what to expect but I'm disappointed that she hasn't received the miracle we've all been praying for.
I love you Mom. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you but I've never felt closer to you than I do right now. You have been my best friend and I don't know how I could ever say goodbye to you. Thank you so much for everything!
9 comments:
Josh, I am your mom’s cousin, Dianne Tate’s daughter. I have been keeping an eye on your blog to keep updated on your mom’s condition. I check it daily. We lost my sister to melanoma in November of 2006 and my heart breaks to see you and your family go through this. I have always loved your mom and have so many memories of her. She is an incredible woman with an amazing family. I have been so impressed with you and the strength you provide her.
Please know that there are many of us out here praying for her, for you, your dad, and your entire family. Your mom and family are so loved.
Kim Tate Brannon
We endured quite a blow today. But...We will be fine. Together, we will all be fine, because she raised us to be strong and to be okay. We have faith, because she taught us to have faith. Our job now, is not to find a cure or force her to eat, walk, and "get better". Our job is to help her KNOW that she can trust us. She can trust us to be strong and make good choices, to take care of our Dad, and to live our lives the way she would want us to do so. You are an amazing son, brother, husband, and man. Continue to do what you are doing. I love you.
Our whole family is praying so hard for her. I have so many kind thoughts and great memories of your mom. She is an amazing lady. We love her.
Joshie, we will get through this and we will be so much stronger because of it. She wants us to be strong and to be happy. Keep your spirits up. She is the lucky one if she passes away. She gets to be free of all this pain. It is our duty to live the way we know and have been taught to live so we can be with her forever in the eternities.
That will make her the happiest of all:)
Josh,
I don't know what to say. I remember a day just about exactly like your day yesterday, April 18, 2005. My mom too decided to continue on with steroids and had hospice come in...I am so sorry. Please know that in the end this experience will make you a better, stronger, even more amazing man, IF you let it, but in the interim, right now, I know that it is the worst thing you can imagine and think of. I am praying so hard for your family to have peace and comfort and to KNOW without a doubt that God lives and is with your family and that there is a higher plan that only he has the instructions to. I am sure that these words are just empty right now, but time will help you all to accept this horrible fate and to become stronger, better people then you are right now. I've witnessed this miracle in my own family. Stay strong and stay close to each other-it's what your mom wants and needs you to do, right now and always. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. Love, Adrian
Can hardly read this because of the tears. I will continue to pray for peace and comfort to be with your family.
I couldn't say it any better than Adrian did. Please continue to keep the faith. Faith that this will work out the way that God has planned and that your family will make it through. That is the only way I made it. You will all be given the strength that you need. I know that. Everyday is a battle and sometimes you will lose and just have a terrible day. Just try to win the battle more often than not. If anyone in your family ever wants to talk, I am only a phone call or email away. I'll send my phone number to Amanda's email. As always, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Josh, today is a sad day, but your Mom's calm attitude will turn out to be a blessing for all of us. Your family is so close and so loving. You really are an example to all of us reading this.
Your title sums up the way I feel about this whole experience. It's all happened so quickly it leaves you little time to process! We are praying our hardest every day!
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