Wow! Another great day! I was so overwhelmed by everything that happened yesterday that I was left feeling extremely numb. Even at work last night surrounded by my friends I wasn't my usual self. After work I set my alarm for a little bit later than usual so I could sleep in. I knew my Mom was being taken care of by a few of my sisters so I didn't feel too bad to get a little extra sleep. I went to bed still feeling awful from the day. I awoke the next morning an hour before my alarm went off. I thought, "Oh well I'll just go to my Mom's early." When I went downstairs I for some reason thought of my mountain bike. I bought it a little over a month ago and haven't really ridden it. "Well, why not?" I thought. I grabbed my helmet and gloves and began to ride my bike to my Mom's house feeling a little selfish at first but soon into my ride, my head was clear and I began to enjoy life a little. It's only about a 10 mile ride but I still felt a nice sense of accomplishment. I entered my Mom's house to a gloomy setting and lost my high instantly.
The nurse and doctor from hospice were visiting with my mom and sisters discussing topics that I wasn't ready for. I don't want to hear how long she has. I just want to enjoy each day with her. I expected her to be out of breath, weak and feeling down. She wasn't though. She was laughing and smiling and a little more energetic than before. It was as though a huge weight was lifted off of her. I couldn't quite grasp why this was. But deep down I think I understood. Her life would no longer be miserable. Her life is now about comfort. Though it may be cut short, her life will probably be great from now on. She will have ups and downs like everyone else (different from my ups and downs obviously) but she doesn't have to worry about taking any more chemo, or going through any more dreadful MRI's. She can just enjoy life in peace with her family. She told us that she wants to always be surrounded by her family from now on. Party at Mom's house!! This realization takes a lot off of me as well. I actually feel a sense of acceptance. I didn't expect it to come so early but I cannot deny it. I'm happy for her.
I spent the whole day with her and enjoyed every minute of it. I wasn't sad at all. I decided that I am going to move back into her house with my wife for a while. She seemed really excited that I will always be around. I am too. I want to just be there. My Dad was also happy to have us come live with them. I want him to remember that he has a huge family here to take care of him. When the day comes that he feels most alone, I want him to know that he isn't.
We enjoyed dinner together and my Mom's sister Barb came over and we had a great night just visiting. I left them and my Mom's smile was still on her face. Her fighting spirit isn't gone. She has the rest of her life to fight for and it will be a great life. Thanks for a great day Mom! I love you!
7 comments:
Josh,
Your post made me cry and smile at the same time! Mostly, I was crying out of happiness for this good day. Hospice is to me, such a wonderful blessing. We were blessed to have such wonderful hospice doctors and nurses and you are right, it's all about your mom's comfort now and that is awesome that she is going to be feeling so much better. I am glad you had this great day. There will be lot's of others to come!
You need to change the background color of your blog because my eyes are now crossed:)
Anyway I'm glad today was good. I wish I could be there every second but I guess I'm a mom and wife too. I will be there as much as I possibly can though.
Someone asked me today if I'm really close to my mom and I just explained that I went to her house about 3-4 times a week. My life will be so different. You and I will have to stick together and still do lunch at the icky Mexican place.
I will miss her so much but I find comfort in knowing she will be happy.
It really is all about her comfort now. She's too wonderful to suffer.
Just knowing Kathy will have some help with her symptoms is such a relief. I hope she sleeps better tonight.
Thanks Josh for your insightful updates. Many more people than comment here are reading this. So for those who do read this, sign up and comment. Kathy reads this everyday! Sleep tight Kathy!
Josh, you never cease to amaze me. If there is a silver lining in this entire situation- then you just found it. I am still waiting for that acceptance to set it. I found myself extremely quiet tonight. I feel like I am on the outside looking in - watching the world go by - wondering how everyone can just keep going on, when my world has stopped. I am mellow and just here, tonight. Your words made me realize that if we can't change it then we need to accept it and be happy and grateful for what we have. I love Mom with all my heart. I still don't know how I will get through the day without being able to call or talk to her. Our family is so good and we will help each other continue to live and be happy - one day at a time. Thanks for your great attitude. See you in the morning.
Josh - I am realy thankful that you are doing this blog so that we can all know what is going on. I am glad today was a good day. Tell her we all love her and that your whole family will continue to be in our prayers.
I love hearing about the good days! I know the bad days are part of it but these posts make everyone exhale a bit!
Thank you!
I really can't imagine what you all are going through, especially your sweet mom. I hope she feels some comfort and a sense of peace. It will be good to have her family around. This blog teaches me everyday, mostly about gratitude. Thank you for posting your story.
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