Farewell 2008!!!

All I can say about bidding this year farewell is, "Good Riddance, You Swine!!!!" Not that some good didn't sneak out of this year. But all in all, I could have done without this one.

It's been a while since my last post and for that I apologize but like I said before, I have lost the will to write. (For some reason I feel like it now though.... strange.)

A lot has happened since my last post.

Halloween - I was an ape. I went trick or treating with the lovely Janey Bug who was Ariel (the little mermaid) and Tobe who was... Tobe.

November 11th - I turned 25. My wife assumed it would be a terrible day for me since it was the first without my Mom so she spoiled me to assure that it would be a positive day. It was. I received a Teddy Ruxpin as a sort of inside joke. There's a long story behind it, which has to do with christmas of 88 or 89 involving some tight underwear and a video camera.




Thanksgiving - Meg's mom and some relatives from Idaho came down and we ate a great feast. Also, my sister Amanda moved away to Indiana. I am really bummed out about it too.




After Thanksgiving - I did absolutely nothing except load packages into trucks. Double shift season began at UPS and I took advantage of some sweet over time.

Christmas - Another first without Mom but we got through it unscathed. I was, once again, spoiled. Lots of new video games. :) I drew a picture of my Mom with pastels and gave it to my Dad. Also, the grandkids, my brother, and I got to open our presents from my Mom. Each of us received a Build-a-Bear with a personalized voice message recorded by my Mom. It was very nice.



/>



Now we're approaching 2009 and I must say that I am looking forward to it. I already have made plans to visit my sister in Indiana in a couple weeks. Not a bad start. I hope we can contrast 2008 with a good year. We deserve one.

Good and Bad Memories...

I feel the need to get something out of my system. Anything. I can't think of anything new to write about. It was so easy when my Mom was around but now I just live a boring life day to day like I used to. But tonight I really really really miss my Mom and I guess I feel that I should do some writing.

I left work early because it's not very busy at UPS these days and there's always somebody who gets to leave early and tonight it was my turn. I got into my car and began to feel terrible as I started to leave the parking lot. I continued to drive and for some reason I kept looking to the Star Wars air freshener dangling from my rear view mirror. I have a picture of my Mom taped to it. It's a picture from my wedding. She looks a little more proud of me in this picture than any other one I can find so I've always liked it. I felt the urge to pull out my Mom's letter and listen to it. I do this every now and then and although I could probably recite it word for word, I still get something new from it every time.

Tonight I really listened and tried to imagine my Mom as she was saying the words. She tears up a few times and I can tell she's really struggling for "the right thing to say," knowing that this will be all I have to hear her voice in emergencies. That must have been a lot of pressure for her. I know I probably couldn't handle that. She repeats herself too. She tells me to continue to be a kind person more than anything else. I started to see how she viewed me differently from her other kids. We're all different to her but she really seems proud of how "nice" I turned out. I started to flashback to when we would hang out while she was sick and how good I felt despite the crappy situation. I loved just sitting with her as I've probably said a hundred times but I could sit and talk to my Mom forever. We were great friends. I felt so comfortable with her and I loved reliving that memory tonight. She put everyone at ease and that feeling definitely left with her. Then I started to fast forward in my mind to the memories of when I would help her into bed because she couldn't lift her own legs. I started to feel a little more sad, not just because she died, but because her life was difficult toward the end. Then I was hit with the image of all of us lifting her body onto the bed the morning of her death. The memory of being the one to hold her head and how awful that made me feel. I wanted to forget that immediately after it happened and I've done a pretty good job till tonight. My memories of my Mom have definitely evolved since she died. Lately all I can remember are good memories like trips to St. George with her and hearing her chuckle as she waved to people. It was painful to be hit with that memory so hard tonight. But I don't ever want to forget anything about my Mom. Even the bad memories.

I'm starting to calm down a little now. I'm glad I made it home safely because I really don't remember actually driving home. All I can remember is a bunch of flashbacks and a total wave of pure sadness. These waves come a little less frequent lately but tonight was a big one. I think my whole family is going through what I did tonight. We all seem a little sad all day every day but when the waves come, I don't think we can feel anything else. I guess I just wanted to describe one in particular.

My Epic Return to the Blogging World!!!!

It has been a while since I've even looked at this screen, let alone update anything. But alas, my dear sisters have been hassling me to put something new on my blog for about a month so here it goes....

Ever since my Mom died I have lost my will to...well do a lot of things but most of all, update my blog. It was meant as a way for everyone to check up on my Mom while she was sick and I guess I'm more of an updater than a blogger. But it is good to get back on the horse and do something I enjoy doing and writing is something I enjoy doing a lot. Not much has been going on lately. I am desperately trying to find a new job so I can get on a decent work schedule and live among the normal world for a change. I've applied to a few places but no luck so far. Turns out the skills of box loading I possess are not greatly wanted by companies other than the one's I'm trying to leave. But I'll keep trying. I won't give up till I'm happily adjusting to the new sleep schedule I'm looking forward to so much.

The greatest thing that happened to me in this horrible year was my recent trip out of reality to California and among the sort of people I can get behind. These people being cartoon characters from the great land of Disney. Yes, I left all my cares in Utah and embarked on an epic journey to Disneyland with my wife Megan, my Dad, My sister Amanda, and her family, Brett, Jane and Tobe. We took no prisoners as we spent entire days adventuring through the various lands in the park. We took our first space flights (we have stickers to prove it) on Space Mountain an average of 4.5 times. We loaded the fattest people in our group as well as two heavy and willing strangers onto the logs of Splash Mountain where we were soaked through with the foul waters of Uncle Remus. We even forced the brave young Tobe onto the bobsleds of the Matterhorn to face the snow demons. We did everything there was to do. Hardly any lines to stand in this time of year! The entire park was our oyster! We spent a total of about 30 hours living beyond the doors and forgetting who we were. And the rest of the time was spent eating, swimming in the ocean, fishing, eating, laughing crazily, and sleeping. It was beautiful. There were no nay-sayers allowed. We spent a good few hours hunting down the inhabitants of Disneyland for a picture with them. This was something I'd never done before but I felt surprisingly happy about our decision to do it. We even frolicked through Toon Town not stopping until we bumped into the king himself, Mickey Mouse. I think he was appalled by Meg's and My craziness like desperate paparazzi trying to get a glimpse of the good life. But we got our picture to add to the mix. It was one of the greatest weeks ever. A total eclipse of positivity over an extremely painful year. I think it was just what everybody needed.

Now I'm back and already feeling the post-Disneyland depression. But here are a few pictures of the craziness to hold me over till I go back.

My Dad's Anniversary Dinner

Last night was fun. It was my parents' 40 wedding anniversary and we took my Dad to Market Street Grill to celebrate. We arrived and there was a sign saying, "Dorius Family Downstairs." We had our own dining room overlooking the creek or river or whatever runs next to the restaurant. It was a very nice setting. They brought us appetizers and drinks while we stood around talking. Then Dawn gave my Dad his anniversary card with a message from my Mom inside. She had my Mom write it before she died and she didn't tell my Dad till last night. He loved it. It was nice to read something in my Mom's handwriting. After we were done eating we just sat and talked. My Dad told us stories of good and bad anniversaries with my Mom over the years. It was an extremely nice evening with our family. Happy anniversary Dad!

Set In Stone...

My Mom's headstone is up now. This is getting too real and I'm still not adjusted. But her headstone looks really nice and we picked a great spot for her. It's very peaceful. I think I'll be spending a lot of time up there from now on.







I miss you Kat Bean.

Megan

Yesterday was the 1 month mark since my Mom died. This didn't even occur to me til today but I definitely felt it yesterday. This week I haven't been thinking about my Mom very much. I have kept very busy and I have been doing some double-shifts to make some extra money. So I've been going in to work at around 5:00 in the evening and coming home at around 3:00 in the morning. Megan works from 8:00 to 5:00. A normal work shift. So I haven't seen much of her this week. Or my Dad. Or my Brother. I've sort of kept to myself this week. During work last night I started to feel guilty for not thinking of my Mom as often as I used to. I shrugged the feeling off and continued to work. After work I got in my car and I noticed that "The Prayer" by Josh Groban was in my head. I thought it was really strange because I'd been listening to nothing but heavy metal in my headphones all week. As I started to think of the song I was suddenly kicked back into the week of the funeral. This song played maybe 15,000 times that week since it was featured on my Mom's slideshow. This was also the song that played during her horse show tribute. It was one of my Mom's favorite songs I think. I suddenly began to cry feeling terrible that I have not kept my Mom in my thoughts as much. I've also been trying hard to keep my Dad feeling okay since she died but not this week. I just haven't been around. I got home and couldn't sleep. The tears kept pouring out as I lied in bed. Megan woke up to me crying and she put her arm around me saying "It's ok." I think she was a little confused because I haven't been like this since the week my Mom died. It all caught up to me and I felt miserable and alone once more. Megan made it all better as she does all the time. She stayed up til after 5:00 AM with me till I fell asleep. I really take her for granted. She works so hard for everybody, but especially me.



It was her birthday recently and her boss got us not a hotel room, but a whole basement apartment in Park City for a weekend. It was very nice of them and it was great to get away from reality for a few days. I loved to see Megan not worrying about anybody but herself for a while. She deserves it. We went to dinner on Main Street. We drove over to the Homestead for some fudge (Meg's favorite.) And we rode the Alpine Coaster, which whoops the Alpine Slide's butt. We came back and she was already offering to help others around her. She took a long lunch the other day to come get Manda's kids and take them to Arctic Circle while Manda cleaned the house. I couldn't help because I had to go paint in Orem. But Meg's always willing to help. Thanks Meg. I love you.

This Week's Update: Adam vs The Wasps

This week we kept pretty busy. The sadness comes in waves and when it comes, it comes with a terrible vengeance. It will hit me with a memory of fun times I had with my Mom. One in particular was one time I was driving her to Huntsman before she was really sick and she was singing Beatles songs with me and showing me where she grew up. Just me and her out for a good drive. Then we got to Huntsman and her mood changed. Realization set in as she saw the patients entering the building and she became very scared. This memory just seems to sum up what happened to her over the last few months of her life. These memories creep into my mind and I need to leave the room and "let it out." But for the most part this week we are enjoying the company of each other in our family. Manda, Dawn and I have hung out a lot this week. Going to lunch, hangin with the kids, the usual. It feels like it did before cancer. Except for the absence of my Mom. The other day we fed the horse that lives behind us and Tobe was really scared but excited to be that close to the the big animal. It was funny.



Today is Megan's birthday and her Mom came to visit from South Carolina and I'm always happy to see her. I miss her these days. While Meg has been at work I have been helping my Dad get the trailer ready for our trip to Payson next week. It's the 79th Annual Onion Days Celebration which means a weekend full of carnival rides, dutch oven cuisine, golf, boating, and a little "family overload." But nothing I can't handle. It will be the first without Mom so we'll see how that goes. My prediction is it will be sad but everything seems better when we are all together so I'm sure we'll get through it feeling ok. It'll be fun. So back to the trailer - my Dad has been de-winterizing it so it will be ready next week. He asked me to climb up to the roof and remove the cover from the air conditioner. As I began to untie the tightening rope from the cover I noticed a wasp crawl out from under it. Then another. Then another. They swarmed me with a warning threat and I retreated. Coward. My Dad went to the garage to look for some bee killer but no luck. So Adam and I went to the store to get some. I found a can of the poison and on the label it said it shoots 27 feet of the stuff, killing on impact. Sweet! We got home and Adam wanted to do honors. He suited up in his Peruvian hoody with the hood pulled tight over his head. He whipped the cover back from the air conditioner and began to aim the can on them. As he shot they attacked. He ran, not back towards the ladder but to the roof of our house and he jumped. He had dropped the can next to the hive and he was cowering on the roof under the swarm. He rushed back dodging wasp after wasp and grabbed the can and emptied the thing on the nest. The attacking wasps began to fall as the poison sunk in to their systems. They were loosing the battle. I threw a stick up to him. He caught it and rushed to the nest. He swiped it several times until it was reduced to rubble. He had won.

Small Things I Miss...

So far, this week has been.... ok. I have not felt the empty pain of losing my Mom quite as constant as last week. Though not a minute goes by that I'm not reminded of how much I miss her. I am beginning to forget about my sick Mom and I'm starting to crave my old Mom. The one who worked at Aaron's office and called me every day for lunch. The one who wore Crocs shoes, colorful reading glasses, and Coldwater Creek white shirts that all looked the same. The one who always wanted me to stay for dinner after helping her all day with yard work. The one who would call me every day to see how I was doing and tell me to stop working at night when I said I was tired. I miss being able to call her for advice that nobody else could give. I miss making her laugh when I'd say something stupid without thinking. I miss sitting on the floor next to her computer while she played freecell and talking her ear off about what's going on in my life (and knowing she was listening to every word.) I miss her every minute of every day. I don't know how to fill the void except to just keep busy so that's what I've been doing. That's all we can do. I hope this gets easier.

So You're Really Not Coming Back?

I don't know Mom that just seems a little rude. I hope you're enjoying yourself while we're sick to death missing you. Actually the past few days haven't been too bad. Last night Megan and I went out to dinner with my Dad and had a nice evening hanging out with him. Today my sisters are helping him set up his bank accounts with the new change in his life. We also went to lunch with him. He has seemed pretty happy so far today.

This week has been scary. I can't quite explain how I've felt because it's been so inconsistent. I've never felt anything like this. I'm very uncomfortable with my life right now. I keep having anxiety attacks to the point of physical sickness. It's weird. On Monday I was really anxious about going back to work and when I got there I didn't want to be there or talk to anybody. I just wanted to do my job and go home. Tuesday was nothing but a wave of pure sadness and anger. I cried till there were no more tears. I was completely tapped out by the end of the day and I spent my time at work just thinking to myself about things other than my Mom and trying not to puke. It sucked. Wednesday was not much better and by Yesterday I was ready for a change. I want to shake my life up even more. I want a new job and a new life schedule so that my old life with my Mom will be gone completely. If I can't have my old life with my Mom, then I want a completely new life so to speak. I was slightly happier yesterday and I spent a lot of time hangin with my sister Amanda and her kids. We went to the mall for lunch so her kids could ride the carousel and then we went up to my Mom's grave. We hung out up there for probably almost an hour just talking about Mom and planning our trip to California next month. Then I went home and Meg and I went to dinner with my Dad. He was also having a better day. This week was really hard for him too. Little things remind him of how different life is. He had to fill out some paperwork at his office and for the first time in forty years he had to check the marital status box for "single." That was a heavy reminder of how permanent the situation really is.

Today has been really good. My Dad has spent it with his kids getting things done and hanging out. We are planning a trip with him next month. Meg and I had planned to go to San Diego next month for a meeting for Meg's new job with the Extradition Officials. My Dad is good friends with them so he wanted to tag along. Manda has been wanting to hit up Disneyland with her kids so we added her family to the Mix. So now we are going to make it a nice week long getaway. I'm really glad my Dad is coming with us. He needs a vacation.

I know that things will always be up and down now that Mom is gone but this week was ridiculous. Hopefully we can continue to have a good weekend and kick this week to the curb. Next week WILL be better.

My Mom's Funeral...

Last week we kept really busy to produce a memorable funeral for my Mom. Dawn did an excellent job decorating the church with pictures and objects that reminded us all of the life of Kat Bean. It looked really good. On Wednesday we had a viewing and I couldn't believe the turn out. Holy cow!!! My Mom was really popular. The line stretched around the church and almost to the doors. It may have been out the doors at one point. It was about an hour and a half wait standing in that line. I saw a bunch of old friends of mine as well as some old neighbors that were great friends of my Mom and Dad. Though it was nice to see old faces, I couldn't enjoy myself. I felt very anxious all night and I just wanted to go for a drive or something.

On Thursday we had the funeral. It started with another viewing an hour before which had another huge turnout. Then we shut the doors for our final goodbyes. It was a very sad experience to know I was looking at my Mom's face for the last time. I placed her pin she received when I became an Eagle Scout in her hand and said my goodbyes. We closed the casket and the funeral began. Each of my siblings and I were asked to talk at the funeral. We each prepared a tribute for her. We gave them in chronological order starting with my oldest sister Jenn. In each of our speeches we said how we all thought of ourselves as our Mom's true best friend. It was an appropriate joke considering the fact that she was a best friend to each of us on unique and personal levels. My brother, Adam and I played the song he wrote for her in Peru. It was fun to play for a huge crowd. I don't think I've done that before. After we all delivered our tributes and the audience was nice and sad, we drove up to the cemetery. Adam dedicated the grave and we all placed our Livestrong bracelets on the casket. It was a nice day and the cemetery looked peaceful and calm. After the graveside service, we went back to the church for a lunch prepared by some ward members. By the time we were done eating we were all ready to just crash and sleep for the rest of the day. But we still had to clean up the church which brought me down. But we cleaned it fast and I went home and took a long nap. Busy day.









Thanks to everyone who came to show their support.

What's going on?

Tonight has been perhaps the hardest for me. I feel like I'm homesick but I'm home. I want so much to be with my Mom. I want to hear her voice and see her. I don't get it. She's been gone for over a week but I'm now feeling the effects. She's gone and I can't grasp that concept. She's supposed to be here. I felt so sorry for my Dad when he told me he was driving home from work for the first time to his house without his wife. But now I'm about to leave for work and I want my Mom to be here when I get back. It's such a crappy thought to know that she won't be here. I hope this feeling will pass soon. I'm anxious, nervous, sick, and above all, mad. Why did this have to happen?

How Are We Doin???

This has been a strange week. We have all kept very busy to keep our minds off of the harsh reality. Most of the days before Thursday were spent planning the funeral. (I'll cover how the funeral went when I get some pictures.) We took my Dad boating at Utah lake yesterday and had a ton of fun. He cruised around on the wave runners and drove the boat around. He did things I've never seen him do. I think maybe he was cuttin loose a little. We had a picnic with all the leftovers from meals people have given us. As fun as it was, Mom wasn't there and we felt it. We miss her so much. I knew we would but it's really painful. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I wanted to come home and tell Mom about my day but I couldn't.

Tonight we took Dad out to dinner. He hasn't been out to a restaurant in a long time and it was really fun for him. After dinner I asked if we could swing by Mom's grave sight. We drove up to the cemetery and immediately we missed our Mom. I just want this joke to be over and things to return to normal. The sun started to set right above her spot covered with flowers. It was really beautiful. My Dad was extremely sad but he seemed to feel at peace. We all wish we could take away his pain.

Each night is tough for me personally. My Dad is more sad in the mornings when he wakes up alone in his room. Each day we find something to do to occupy our time. We're going to be ok. It will just take some time.





We love you Mom!! We miss you!

My Mom's Obituary...

Katherine Bean Dorius:



Katherine Bean Dorius 1949 ~ 2008 Kathy Dorius, 59, passed away July 27, 2008 at her home in Draper, Utah of melanoma. Born February 28, 1949 in Salt Lake City, to Ralph James and Helen Coray Bean. She graduated from Highland High School and the University of Utah with a degree in speech therapy. She loved dancing especially with the Utah Civic Ballet Company. On September 4, 1968, Kathy married her childhood sweetheart, Earl F. Dorius, in the Salt Lake LDS Temple. Together they raised four beautiful daughters who inherited their mother's love of dance, and two wonderful sons. She was an active member of the LDS Church and served in many ward and stake positions including Relief Society President, Young Women's President, Activities Chairman, and Ward Missionary. She also choreographed many church musical productions. She loved serving others. She was a speech therapist and also worked with children with special needs in the Granite and Jordan School Districts. She was the Office Manager at Aspen Ridge Dental, and served as the Executive Secretary of the Utah All-Breeds Horse Show Association and the National Association of Extradition Officials. But most of all, she loved being a stay-at-home mom while raising her six children. Kathy was the most kind and selfless person who was adored by everyone who knew her. She would do anything for her children, and each one considered her their best friend. The Dorius home was a gathering place where the children brought all of their friends. Kathy gladly hosted these gatherings and made life a party for everyone. She had the uncanny ability of remembering the name of every person she ever met, and memorizing their phone numbers. She rarely had need for a phone directory. She loved family traditions like trips to Disneyland, Balboa Beach, and the family condo in St. George, hosting brunches on Christmas morning, dinners at the Pagoda Restaurant, and the annual family pilgrimage to Payson, Utah to camp in the trailer and celebrate Onion Days every Labor Day weekend. She loved to travel, and especially enjoyed touring England and Wales where her husband had served his LDS mission. She is survived by her husband, Earl, Draper, UT; children, Jennifer Allen (Scott), Sandy, UT; Dawn Hall (Aaron), Sandy, UT; Ashley Marsee (Robert), Layton, UT; Amanda Hatch (Brett), Lehi, UT; Joshua Dorius (Megan), South Jordan, UT; and Adam Dorius, Draper, UT; sister, Barbara Bean Daly, Salt Lake; sister-in-law, Ruth Ellen Bean, and 17 grandchildren: Jessica, Tanner, Sam, Mackenzie, Mackay, Hayden, Taylor, Rustyn, Kamryn, Neil (Lynette), Chace, Dane, Jake, Jane, Tobe, and Alyson. She was preceded in death by her parents and brother Michael Coray Bean. A viewing will be held Wed., July 30, 2008, from 6-8 p.m. at the Mountain Point 5th Ward located at 400 East Stokes Avenue (13535 S.) in Draper. Funeral services will be Thurs., July 31, 2008, at 12 noon at the Mountain Point 5th Ward Chapel with a viewing beginning at 10:30 a.m. Interment at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 E. 10600 S., Sandy, Utah. Funeral director, Mike Anderson 801-580-3366. Online condolences at www.naeo@aol.com. We will miss you Mom ("Grandma Kathy"), but we are comforted by the knowledge the gospel provides that you will be near during special occasions and those special times when we need you the most.
Published in the Salt Lake Tribune from 7/29/2008 - 7/30/200


This is the picture she asked us to put on her obituary. We didn't know if people would recognize her so I decided to add it on this post.

My Mom's Letter and a Shout Out To Megan...

I lost my Mom yesterday. She died very peacefully in her sleep. I can no longer go into my Mom's room and see her smile or give her a hug. That is what I am missing most right now. For so long I have missed my old Mom who was either on her computer playing freecell or cooking something for Sunday dinner. But now I just miss the Mom waiting for me in her room. Waiting for me to come and make things a little better for her. I miss taking care of her and having her rely on me. I miss rubbing her back for her and getting "ice chips" for her. I just miss her. Last night I listened to her letter to me on my ipod. I laid down on my bed, put my headphones in and listened to my Mom's soft voice talking only to me. As I laid there crying and listening I could almost feel her presence in the room with me. She has never been a touchy feely person and didn't give hugs that often. She was always a behind the scenes person. She was there and we knew it and were comforted by it but not the center of attention. That was how I felt last night. She was there, behind the scenes, to give comfort. Her letter to me was amazing. She said exactly what I needed to hear. One thing that stood out to me was how much I am like her father Ralph. We all loved Ralph and my Mom showed his best traits in her own life. My sister told me the same thing yesterday, and if I'm like Ralph, then I must be like my Mom. She said it makes her proud that I was born with his traits of kindness and generosity. That made me feel really good. I hope I never lose thos qualities. I always want to make my Mom proud. It was just really good to hear her voice once more.

After I was done I turned to Megan for comfort. My Mom told her that she will do a good job of taking over to comfort me. She does. I love my wife so much. She has been so helpful with everything. She left our home in South Jordan that she loves so much to come move into my Parents' house and help take care of my Mom. I don't think that I've "built Megan's legend" enough in these posts but I want everyone to know how awesome she is. My Mom called her an angel sent to help. She really is. She wiped my tears and helped me to relax so I could get some sleep after the longest and worst day of my life. I slept throughout the whole night.

Today has been busy with funeral planning so we have been distracted enough to let ourselves get too sad. But those moments will come where we will have to turn to the stronger ones of the moment and find some comfort. But hopefully we will just be able to feel our Mom's presence encouraging us to stand up and keep going.

My Morning...

"Josh?? Megan???" I heard my Dad saying in the hallway. His voice was shaky and he seemed to be in a sense of panic. My eyes opened not fully able to grasp what was happening. I rubbed my eyes and sat up as my Dad was walking toward our bedroom and then he said, "I think she's gone." This was followed by many tears and sobs. I jumped out of bed and ran to my Mom's room while my Dad went downstairs to get Adam. Megan and I peeked into her bedroom and saw my Mom sitting in her chair with her head down. She looked like she has been for the last week. Nothing out of the ordinary. My Dad must be wrong. "Mom?" I said walking toward her. "Mom can you hear me?" I sat down beside her and rubbed her shoulder. "Mom???" She didn't wake up. Her eyes did not open. Her head did not lift up. For some reason I could have sworn that I saw her breathing. Maybe I just wanted to see it and my eyes were playing a trick on me but I didn't want to believe what was happening. My Dad came into the room and said "I just can't tell!! It looks like she's breathing." Megan grabbed the little device my Mom puts on her finger to check her heart rate and oxygen level. She placed it on my Mom's finger and waited for a sign. It kept reading blank. No heart beat. No oxygen. It was true. it was happening. The day had finally come. My Mom was gone.

My Dad called my sisters and, one by one they came over. They each hugged my Dad and each other. Everyone was crying and talking but I couldn't get my brain to catch up. I don't know exactly what was said but it was mostly about the signs of her leaving us the day before. Nobody liked to see her in the wheelchair. We have all wanted her to be able to lay down for so long and we were going to give that to her. We lifted her out of the chair and placed her on her bed. I cradled her head and felt how loose it was on her neck and I think that was when it hit me. This is not my Mom. This is a body my Mom once used. She looked so different. The hospice nurse came over and changed her into some clean clothes and prepared her for all of us to come say a final goodbye in her home. Her sister Barb came over to say her goodbyes as well. When it was my turn to say goodbye I held her hand. It was cold. I leaned down and gave her one last hug and kissed her head. I told her how much I loved her and how much I'll miss her. I broke down after that and curled up on my bed and just cried for my Mom. I want my Mom back. Jenn's neighbor who is a mortician came over to take her away to the mortuary.

This house has one less person now. I can no longer go hang out with my Mom. I can no longer take care of her or ask her for advice. I feel numb and mad and alone.

Kat Bean passed away sometime around 5:00 AM on Sunday Morning, July 27, 2008. We will miss her so much and life will not be the same without her. Please leave a comment or a memory of her if you wish to.

Her viewing will be this Wednesday from 6 to 8 PM. The funeral will have a viewing at 11:00 and the funeral will start at 12:00.

My Mom Is Gone

My Mom passed away this morning. I'll have details later but thought everyone should know....

Tender Goodbyes And A Few Smiles...

My Mom as I knew her is gone. Last tuesday I said all my goodbyes and cried with her and said all the things that I needed to say and hear what I needed to hear from her- well, I'm glad that I was able to do all that then. It just wouldn't be possible to do that now. I will always remember that night as the night I really lost my Mom. Physically, she is still with us but mentally, she is no longer the Mom I once had. Perhaps she sensed that her mind was on the edge and decided to jump the gun on saying goodbye to us. She has always been a "plan ahead" person.

Today I woke up and went into her room to find her sitting in her chair with her eyes closed and Dawn rubbing her feet. She looked relaxed and content but she didn't look like Kat Bean anymore. I could tell that she was no longer going to respond to a conversation if I wanted to start one. She would occasionally look up to see who was in her room with her. But then she would return to her hunched over position breathing heavy, drawn out breaths. That was how she was all day. As the day went by she went with it. Slowly winding down. Saying "Ok" to herself every now and then. Just off in her own world and we weren't allowed in. But occasionally she would snap back into the present and she would talk to us. I remember my Dad walking into the room and sitting in a recliner chair across the room from my Mom. She sat up, opened her eyes and looked directly at him. He smiled to her, and she smiled back with a sense of comfort and familiarity. Then she put her head back down and shut her eyes once more.

We have decided to stop giving her steroids which will mean she will no longer be able to communicate. Today may have been the last time that I could say "I love you" to my Mom and hear her say it back to me. I hope not. I hope tomorrow morning I walk into her room and make her smile at least one more time. But I'll keep wishing for that every day and I need to accept that this is it.


(This is funny but kind of gross. I wasn't going to include this in my post but it's too funny.)

Today I lied down on my Mom's bed next to her chair. She looked like she was asleep. I felt a gas bubble in my stomach and thought it was a burp.... it wasn't. I totally ripped one next to my Mom. I looked over at her hoping she didn't hear it. She slowly raised her head and turned to me half opening her eyes. Then she shot me a smirk. My fear of waking her up was replaced with laughter. "Some things never change huh Mom." Dawn said from the other side of the room observing our little moment. My Mom has always thought flatulence are funny. Even during these sad and painful times, her personality and humor creeps up to remind us that she is our Mom. She put her head back down and I could tell she was chuckling under her breath. Not a very tender last memory of my Mom but we have always kept humor in our relationship.

Another Huge Blow: Things Are Getting Strange....

What happened? I'm still trying to recover from the other night and now life is throwing new crap at me. My Mom is still here with us, but not really anymore. Her body is still too strong to die but her mind has sort of left us. There's no more laughter, there's hardly any more smiles, she just seems miserable and quiet. She is starting to get a little confused also and her wit is slowly winding down. She needs help with just about everything now and I can tell that she is still ashamed of it. She has told me (back when she just needed help putting her socks on) that "You lose your dignity when you are pregnant and when you get cancer." Meaning she'll need help but she won't care. Well, she does care. My Mom has never been one to complain or ask for help. But now she really needs help and the look of shame on her face is so heartbreaking to see. She is embarrassed to be lifted by her sons and husband to get out of her chair. She is embarrassed to have us pick up a spoon of ice she dropped because her hand is getting useless. She is humiliated. She still hates to have all the attention on her. But as her children, we all want to help her. We can't wait to be the ones to get her some water or help her into bed or massage her feet. We couldn't have asked for a better Mom and we certainly got the best. She has been there for us and raised us into good, caring people and now, it's our turn. We would do anything for her, and in these few days we have left with her, we get to do everything for her. I know she doesn't want us to, but she and we both know that she needs us to. Plus whether she finds comfort in it or not, it is our privilege to be able to help such a great person.

We had a chat with her hospice nurse and we are going to change her medications to help her be relaxed, a little less miserable, and perhaps give her what she wants most right now, no matter how painful that will be for us. I know that not all of these dying moments were going to be tender and peaceful. I know they told me it might get rough and emotions will be thrown to the curb and then lifted again only to be thrown back down but I wasn't prepared for this. I need a little time to catch my breath. But we are strong. We'll hold our own. We are ready to serve no matter what the day might bring...

We love you Mom!

She's Still Fighting Whether She Wants To Or Not...

As things start to wind down in my Mom's life, acceptance is beginning to set in for everyone. We all want what my Mom wants. And she just wants to be released. She still gets out of bed everyday and wants her children around. The hospice nurse told her that she is actually still fighting to stay alive because she won't just stay in bed. The fact that she still wants to join us everyday says that she is not ready to die. She actually may still have a few more weeks. This news brought my Mom down. But we all kind of laughed at how ridiculous that sounds. We spend each day just hanging out in her room. Although today she spent most of the time in a different bedroom so she could look outside into her front yard. She wanted to see her nephews, Tanner and Sam, in the 24th of July parade. (To those not from Utah: It's sort of like independence day, but for the state of Utah.) She liked the change of scenery so she stayed in that room all day. I once again left her, it was my wife's and my wedding anniversary yesterday so we went out on a date. But my sisters told me that she did her usual routine of sitting with her eyes closed, smiling and listening to her kids talk. I came home and hung out with her til we said family prayers and then I helped her into bed again. I said goodnight and left for work. Now I am home and still, she is with us and we are all very grateful for each day we get with her....even if she isn't very happy about it. : )


The other night my brother Adam and I played the song he wrote for her. She loves to listen to it. He is a great song writer.

Mom's Talking!! But Saying Goodbye...

(Sorry everybody. I'm posting this so late because the internet is down at my parents house. It will be fixed today hopefully. I drove to my house to post this. It's long, sorry again.)


Waiting.... that's where we are. We are just waiting for the inevitable to happen and my Mom is anxiously looking forward to it. She didn't say much today. She spent the whole day in her wheelchair in the same spot with her eyes closed surrounded by her children. I couldn't tell if she was quietly bothered by all of us or if she was just enjoying our company silently, but nevertheless, we hung around her and we weren't going to leave her. I didn't really say anything to her all day. I could have been somewhere else for all she knew but I stayed in her room just to be close to her. I used to sit and talk to my Mom all day. This was when she had energy for things like doing yard work or driving a car or carrying a conversation. Now she doesn't even have the energy to pick up a small styrofoam cup of water. As the day slowly drifted into night I noticed a little bit of life in her start to show itself. All of my sisters left and she began to talk to me. She wasn't necessarily being her perky positive self, but her unmistakeable humor was there to disguise the negative undertones of what she was saying. "Now, if you pray tonight to keep me alive for another day, I'm going to be very ticked off at you." She said. "OK Mom. But don't expect me to sneak into your room tonight and smother you with a pillow either." I replied with a smile, fully understanding how appalling this conversation was, but enjoying the rare opportunity to joke around with my Mom once again. "Oh come on!" She said with a bratty whine. I laughed really hard at this. But deep down I was... and wasn't surprised at how well my Mom was handling the situation. Who else could joke like this? Only a descendent of Ralph Bean could be this witty so close to the end. (Ralph is my Mom's dad and those who knew him could agree on this.)

We talked like this for a little while til it was time for her to go to bed. I could tell she was dreading this. She always does. My Dad and I placed her footstool next to the bed and wheeled her over. We helped her out of her chair and as I held her back so she wouldn't fall, my Dad lifted her feet onto the stool. From there we lifted her onto the bed sitting upright. Then I pulled her up while my Dad lifted her legs up one by one and we pivoted her into her pillows that were placed properly so she would be sitting upright in bed. This whole process takes everything out of her and it kills me to hear each painful moan pass her lips as she is pulled and pushed by my Dad and I. But in the end it's all worth it to see her in her own bed relaxed and comfortable.

We gave her her pills but none of us could say goodnight yet. She had a strong feeling that tonight would be "The Night." We started to talk again. "How do you do it Mom? How are you handling all of this so well? You never complain or whine." I said. "I don't want to be remembered as a complainer. I hope you won't remember me that way." She replied. She hasn't complained at all. At least not that I've heard. Just then my sisters, Ashley and Amanda walked in. They joined us for a nice talk with my Mom. I think they were a little surprised to see her talking so much. She said she hoped that her parents and brother would come get her tonight. We all started to cry. I checked the clock and realized that I should have left for work by now, but this was too important to walk away from, especially for work. I left the room to call my boss to tell her I'd be a little late. When I returned, my sisters, Dad, and wife Megan were all in the hallway outside my Mom's room. They were crying and talking to my Dad. I knew that they had said goodnight to my Mom already. So I slowly walked in and there was my Mom smiling at me. She looked so beautiful. I thought that this might be my last time talking to my Mom. This thought brought many tears and no use holding back now. I ran to her and gave her the biggest hug I've ever given her. She whispered into my ear, "I love you so much Joshie. You have been the best son and I'm so proud of you. Please don't be sad." I couldn't help it though. I WAS sad. My Mom means so much to me. I'll never fully be ready to let her go. I told her how much I loved her and how I'll miss her everyday. She squeezed my hand and with tears rolling down her cheek she said, "I'll miss you too, Josh." I hugged her again and began to walk away but I couldn't let go of her hand. I finally did though and said goodnight.

I drove to work with a clear mind. I love my Mom but I know that she is ready to go. And if she's OK with it, then I am too. I kept looking to the sky watching the lightning in the distance and I said a prayer for comfort for myself. Something I haven't asked for yet. Now I'm home from work, it's 3:14 AM, and so far so good. My Mom was sure about tonight but we all know it's not up to her. Even if we did jump the gun with our goodbyes, it still feels good to get a chance to say them. I feel at peace with the whole situation tonight. Maybe I am starting to receive the comfort I asked for.

I wrote this after work last night. Just a quick update, Mom is still here.

Mondays Always Get Me Down...

I spent a lot of time in my Mom's room tonight with Adam, Dad, Steph, and Megan. We just sat around and reminisced about old times like when Adam and I were in elementary school while my Mom worked there. We had some good memories there with her. I was thinking about how much Mom was there for me growing up. Even in school I knew she was just down the hallway if I needed her. That was comforting to know. I used to go hang out in her office every now and then after lunch and we'd just talk and she'd sometimes give me her students' candy. : ) Working at my school, she knew all of my friends well, so they were all very comfortable with her at home. She was sort of our friend as well. Our house was the place to hang out and my Mom loved having us over. She'd always keep us fed and entertained. This kind of relationship with her grew from there. We have always been close friends. I could hang out with my Mom all day. She is so entertaining. She has an amazing laugh that is very contagious.

When she was working at Aaron's office she would call me at around 11:00, (keeping in mind that I worked the night before til 4 in the morning) and she would ask me if I wanted to go to lunch with her. Even though I was tired and sore and a few more hours of sleep sounded great, lunch with my Mom sounded much better. I would hurry and shower, get dressed, and drive as fast as I legally could to go pick her up. She would always make me choose where to eat though she'd sometimes hint at places she would prefer. We did this almost every day. Sometimes just my Mom and I, but usually with my sisters too. I miss doing that so much. Her favorite place to go was El Rancho Grande or referred to my Mom as "The Icky Mexican Place."

I miss talking to her about stuff other than how she is feeling or what she needs. She must be so bored these days. Today she seemed really down. She just couldn't find anything to be positive about. But it's hard to be positive under these circumstances. Her sister Barb came by today and she always cheers my Mom up. But other than that she kept quiet with a sad face all day. I feel so bad for her. I know she is deep down afraid to die but she seems really sick of life too. I know there's nothing I can do to save her but I just want her to at least enjoy her life while she has it. It was my turn say the family prayer tonight and all I could think to pray for was happiness for my Mom. I hope I can help to make her happier. I try to sit and talk with her and joke with her but it's hard to make her laugh these days. I miss her laugh so much. Hopefully it was just a bad day and tomorrow she'll feel some happiness.

I was looking through old pictures of my Mom. I don't have too many but these are a few good ones I found.

One of the many trips to Payson for the annual "Onion Days" celebration. We always camp on a golf course. It's weird, but hey, so are we.

My Mom hates having her picture taken so she hurried and covered her face before I took this picture but it turned out funny.

My wedding. She looked so beautiful that day. She let me use her backyard for the wedding and reception. It was awesome.

I like the face she's making in this one. It just looks like my Mom being funny. This was last Christmas.

Sunday Parties...

I am still recovering from last night. I had another little melt down after helping my Mom into bed. First of all She had a huge day. It was another big family party for Adam's, Aly's and Steph's birthday. Adam made a huge feast for us. Carne Asada! It was awesome. Then we had a piñata for the little kids. It was fun. We wheeled my Mom out to the hall again for dinner. She stayed there all night and though she is in a lot of discomfort, she doesn't let it stop her from spending time with the people she loves. After the party was over and the night was winding down, we said a family prayer and everyone left.


Happy Birthday Aly

Kami smashing the piñata

Mom chillin with her daughters

After the party we helped her into her bed. I love to do this for her but I hate to watch her struggle. She decided to walk from her bathroom to the bed because getting in and out of the wheelchair is too much of an ordeal. But walking for her isn't much better. Her whole lower half is so swollen. Her stomach, legs and feet have become too big for any comfort. She has to take tiny steps and and the look of pain is so apparent in her face with each step. My Dad and I helped her into bed but it's so hard for her and it took a little longer than usual. When we finally got her in an upright position she could barely catch her breath. She was in a lot of pain. Megan gave her a hug and said good night. I just stood there and the tears in my eyes were too much to fight back. "Oh Mom??" was all I could say as a ran to hug her and that feeling came over me again where I felt like a little kid whose Mom is leaving them with a babysitter or something and in their little minds they think "I'm never going to see Mom again!!!" And they cry and cling to her and never want to let go. I remember doing that as a child but I never thought I'd feel that again in my twenties. I hugged her forever and just kept saying, "Mom I don't want you to die. Please don't die...." She responded without pain in her voice anymore but with motherish comfort, "I don't want to die either Josh, but I have to and I'm really sorry but you'll be OK." I couldn't let go. This time my tears were all over her shirt. I cleared my head and let her go. I said goodnight and left her with my Dad who was now crying. I crashed on my bed.

This Is Where We Are, "Shut Up And Like It!"

Yesterday was OK. It started out the same as always with my Mom tired and down. She had some visitors throughout the day but she couldn't quite perk up. I think she had her eyes closed most of the day. I can tell that she's tired of this. We all are. But later on into the evening she started to feel a little better. Jenn came over to give her a foot massage. This was the only sense of relief I could see in her face all day. I helped her into bed which is just harder and harder (for her) every day. She keeps apologizing to my Dad and I when we do this but it's not hard for us at all but that just shows that she is still my Mom. She always worries about others before herself. She rules.


My Mom with the Tate family. She always talks about how much she loves her aunt Dianne and uncle Chuck.

I keep hoping for good days again but she continues to wear out more and more. She's so burned out by the end of the day with not much to burn in the first place so it's understandable. I'm just grateful to spend time with her. Every day that she is here IS a good day.

Burned Out On Cancer...

I wasn't home with my Mom much today but I still can't get over how I felt tonight. I'm mad. I'm really mad at cancer. I hate it. It sucks the life out of everything it touches. It just sucks, period. I know lately I have been posting about how blessed I have been because of it, but right now, I don't care. I hate cancer! But I think I'm allowed to feel this way every once in a while. This is my personal journal after all. So this is how I'm feeling tonight I guess.

Wait, I'll back up and do a quick update.... My Mom is sick. That's all I got. And I still don't know why. She isn't supposed to be the weak one in my family. She has always been so strong. She was so tired today. She did have a great visit from the Tate family which always makes her happy but other than that she just seemed brought down. She seems like she is just tired of living every day like this and who can blame her? It's not fun to sit in a wheelchair parked in the same spot all day. I can't believe this is happening. But what surprises me even more is how normal this is now. Sometimes I need to step back and just think for a minute, "I'm losing my Mom. I'm not OK with this, am I?" The answer is always "NO!" But why have I adjusted so quickly? I feel guilty for doing so and I worry that I'm forcing her out of my life already. I don't mean to. She is and has been the most important person in my life and I really don't want to let her go.

Tonight I helped her get into her bed. She can't lift her feet up anymore and my Dad and I have to basically lift her feet up and move her body into a sitting upright position so she can breathe and every day this gets harder for her. Tonight she started to cry and asked in a 'give up' tone, "How much longer can I live like this?" It's surreal to hear my Mom talk like this. She isn't a quitter. She never has been. I hugged her and told her that I love to help her and I want to continue to do so if she'll hang around a little longer for me. She hugged me tighter and for the first time ever, I felt my Mom's tear drop on my shoulder. It soaked through my shirt and felt cold against my skin. I don't know if this tear represented fear, pain, sadness or all of the above, but it made me feel mad. I left for work with tears of rage. I hate this disease so much. I kept thinking, "My Mom shouldn't be crying those kind of tears. She shouldn't be weak, in pain, uncomfortable. She should be happy, laughing, free to roam her house on her feet, going out to dinner, going to Payson with her family, going on movie dates with my Dad, working at Aaron's office, going to NAEO conferences, singing, going to church, playing with her grandkids, sleeping laying down, living..."

I know that this whole situation has brought countless blessings and a lot of good has come from it but every now and then I just need to look at it from a different angle and get out my anger. It is, after all, the worst thing that has happened to us. And in some ways, the best. Thanks for letting me rant.

PAGODA'S!!

Today Mom was feeling tired. She didn't get a whole lot of sleep the night before so she spent most of the morning catching up. She finished her letters to her children with Ashley and then took a few naps. We decided to have a huge family dinner for Adam's birthday and we thought we should get Mom's favorite food. It has been a tradition in our family to go to the Pagoda (or Pagoda's according to us) for special occasions. It's also a secret tradition for my Mom to take her kids there for dinner every time my Dad is out of town. (Sorry Dad.) The owners of the restaurant are good friends of my parents and they have always treated us well. We all love their food but my Mom thinks that it is simply the best. We called in a huge order so Adam and I went to pick it up. We had a nice talk with Jody, who runs the restaurant and she couldn't believe the news about my Mom. She is very nice. Then we took the food home to everyone (including my aunt, Ruth Ellen) waiting for us. They set up a big table in the hallway outside my Mom's bedroom with a table cloth and everything. Since she can't come down stairs anymore, we brought the dinner table to her. It looked very fancy. It was just like we were at a restaurant. We wheeled Mom out to the head of the table and she looked so happy to finally leave her bedroom (which she hasn't for about a week.) We ate a ton. Mom was so happy to have her favorite meal at an actual dinner table with her family. After dinner we all said good night and left Mom feeling great. It was another good day.




That was fun Mom. Keep the good days coming!

Another Good Day...

Today was another good one. I woke up at seven to go help my Mom with her letters. She wants to write letters for her kids and my Dad but she can't write them herself because of the tumor in her hand, so we decided to have her speak into a recorder for us, which in my opinion is better. I went into her room and she said "Let's sleep in til about nine." I said, "I don't know Mom, I already got 3 hours of sleep it might be hard to get a few more..." Yeah we were both out cold two seconds later. We woke up and after I figured out the mp3 player/recorder we started to record her letters. She started with my Dad's and it was very hard for me to listen to but I am so glad that I could hear it. We will always have the files on our computers, but I will always have the memory of sitting with her alone and listening to her recording the messages to her kids and husband. It was cool. She was a little sleepy for most of the morning but then she took her medication (which I think we have finally figured out) and she started to perk up. She enjoyed more family company and foot massages all day. We had our usual routine of eating dinner in her room with her. After dinner she asked for another blessing. This was cool because it was her first one with just her boys. Adam, Dad and I gave her the blessing, said family prayer and said good night. She looked very content with life and told us that, this desease has brought her what she loves the most...relaxing with her family.


Today I found Jenn rubbing my Mom's feet and Tobe rubbing Jenn's feet. It was funny.

Mom's Back!

Alright everybody, brace yourselves.........Today was awesome! I don't know what happened but it's as though someone charged the batteries in my Mom and now she works again. She was Mom again! She stayed in her room as usual but the way she was talking and laughing and smiling was different. She had energy.

I woke up at 11:00 thinking, "Dang I slept in late!" So I hurried to my Mom's room to find her talking with Dawn and Amanda. I could already tell that she was feeling different. The tone of defeat was gone. They had a good conversation about life and important things and I just sat and listened and even though they were crying, I couldn't help but enjoy how good she sounded. This energy lasted throughout the day. She had a lot of visitors but they didn't wear her out. Her sister-in-law, Ruth Ellen came by and I listened as they laughed together about old times. Then her sister Barb stopped by and had dinner with us and still, Mom felt great. When the time came to say good night, my Mom volunteered to say a family prayer and the whole thing was about how grateful she is. She was just so positive. I was amazed at how incredible my Mom is. Through all of this, she can still feel grateful and happy. I'll never forget how relieved I felt to see a genuine smile on my Mom's face tonight. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the extra steroid she took. But I really hope these kind of days continue.


Keep smiling Mom! We all need it.