I wasn't home with my Mom much today but I still can't get over how I felt tonight. I'm mad. I'm really mad at cancer. I hate it. It sucks the life out of everything it touches. It just sucks, period. I know lately I have been posting about how blessed I have been because of it, but right now, I don't care. I hate cancer! But I think I'm allowed to feel this way every once in a while. This is my personal journal after all. So this is how I'm feeling tonight I guess.
Wait, I'll back up and do a quick update.... My Mom is sick. That's all I got. And I still don't know why. She isn't supposed to be the weak one in my family. She has always been so strong. She was so tired today. She did have a great visit from the Tate family which always makes her happy but other than that she just seemed brought down. She seems like she is just tired of living every day like this and who can blame her? It's not fun to sit in a wheelchair parked in the same spot all day. I can't believe this is happening. But what surprises me even more is how normal this is now. Sometimes I need to step back and just think for a minute, "I'm losing my Mom. I'm not OK with this, am I?" The answer is always "NO!" But why have I adjusted so quickly? I feel guilty for doing so and I worry that I'm forcing her out of my life already. I don't mean to. She is and has been the most important person in my life and I really don't want to let her go.
Tonight I helped her get into her bed. She can't lift her feet up anymore and my Dad and I have to basically lift her feet up and move her body into a sitting upright position so she can breathe and every day this gets harder for her. Tonight she started to cry and asked in a 'give up' tone, "How much longer can I live like this?" It's surreal to hear my Mom talk like this. She isn't a quitter. She never has been. I hugged her and told her that I love to help her and I want to continue to do so if she'll hang around a little longer for me. She hugged me tighter and for the first time ever, I felt my Mom's tear drop on my shoulder. It soaked through my shirt and felt cold against my skin. I don't know if this tear represented fear, pain, sadness or all of the above, but it made me feel mad. I left for work with tears of rage. I hate this disease so much. I kept thinking, "My Mom shouldn't be crying those kind of tears. She shouldn't be weak, in pain, uncomfortable. She should be happy, laughing, free to roam her house on her feet, going out to dinner, going to Payson with her family, going on movie dates with my Dad, working at Aaron's office, going to NAEO conferences, singing, going to church, playing with her grandkids, sleeping laying down, living..."
I know that this whole situation has brought countless blessings and a lot of good has come from it but every now and then I just need to look at it from a different angle and get out my anger. It is, after all, the worst thing that has happened to us. And in some ways, the best. Thanks for letting me rant.
10 comments:
Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! I hate cancer too. It's the pits and we aren't even the one who has it. Our poor mom who is the most wonderful person is.
Keep looking for the blessings though. It's all we can do to stay positive and mom wants us to stay positive.
I love you Joshie. You and Megan are the most wonderful people I know. You guys take such good care of mom. Thanks!!
Josh you have the right to be mad. I think that you have been extremely positive and brave! She isn't even my mom and I am angry about it too. Your sister is right though, being positive is the best thing that you can do for your mom. Hang in there.
I am with you - Josh!! I will hate cancer my entire life. I will be grateful for some of the things it has done for our family and friends but I will NEVER be grateful for cancer.
Hang in there. We all love you Josh.
As someone once said,
"Cancer is a shitty shitfest"
-Anonymous
Sorry.
OK. I regret that already.
Whoa... did my mom really just say that?! If it would make you feel better, I would say that word too, but then I would get in trouble by my mom. ;) We are with you Josh...it stinks!
You have every right to feel this way and you should, there are many steps to grieving and anger is a MAJOR step and you have to go through all of the steps to make it out okay. There is nothing I can say, cancer is shitty-so incredibly shitty and this whole situation is and I am so sorry that you all have to go through this. Just know that a lot of people love you all and are thinking of you and wishing there was more they could do. Hang in there, the bad days are part of the package too, unfortuneatly.
Josh....
I know exactly how you feel - having gone through this with my Dad and my MIL and watching your great Aunt Jill, my mom, go through the process of preparing for the other side, for six weeks. The word Cancer makes your blood boil, it is insidious, it is cruel, it is everything horrible that you can think. And unfortunately it touches us all, even if we don't get it.
Don't feel bad, because if feels like things are "normal". I thinks it's God's way to help you cope, to adjust, and to show your love to your mom. After all, she is one very special and great lady. She has taught you how to go through this time of life from all the lessons you learned from her since you were born. What she went through to have both of you boys, was a trial of strength and determination. That's what you to have pull on now.
George and I have always felt bad that we didn't get to know you and your brother better. We had so much fun with your sisters ... especially when Ashley and your Mom taught George how to fly at the Grand Canyon so many years ago. I look forward to seeing you shortly, so that I can wrap my arms around both of you and the rest of your family and especially your Mom and Dad..... and give you all, an old bear hug......it always helps.
Keep strong and know that prayers are being said for your Mom and Dad and all you kids too. I know that the Lord is by your side helping and guiding you.
Love,
Jillie Ann
I had to smile in a sad way when I read this post. It's so how I feel a lot of the time still. Just angry. Not at God or my mom, just the fact that cancer took my mom and I need her. It's horrible to watch one of the people you love most suffer. It really does suck of the life out of you. Just be whatever you are feeling. Adrian said it so right. You have to go through these feelings as much as it hurts. You can't go around, under, or over them. I know you are doing this. Thanks Josh, for your writing. You say the things that so many of us who have been through this hell are feeling and have felt. I hope that tomorrow is a better one. Especially for your mom.
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