What happened? I'm still trying to recover from the other night and now life is throwing new crap at me. My Mom is still here with us, but not really anymore. Her body is still too strong to die but her mind has sort of left us. There's no more laughter, there's hardly any more smiles, she just seems miserable and quiet. She is starting to get a little confused also and her wit is slowly winding down. She needs help with just about everything now and I can tell that she is still ashamed of it. She has told me (back when she just needed help putting her socks on) that "You lose your dignity when you are pregnant and when you get cancer." Meaning she'll need help but she won't care. Well, she does care. My Mom has never been one to complain or ask for help. But now she really needs help and the look of shame on her face is so heartbreaking to see. She is embarrassed to be lifted by her sons and husband to get out of her chair. She is embarrassed to have us pick up a spoon of ice she dropped because her hand is getting useless. She is humiliated. She still hates to have all the attention on her. But as her children, we all want to help her. We can't wait to be the ones to get her some water or help her into bed or massage her feet. We couldn't have asked for a better Mom and we certainly got the best. She has been there for us and raised us into good, caring people and now, it's our turn. We would do anything for her, and in these few days we have left with her, we get to do everything for her. I know she doesn't want us to, but she and we both know that she needs us to. Plus whether she finds comfort in it or not, it is our privilege to be able to help such a great person.
We had a chat with her hospice nurse and we are going to change her medications to help her be relaxed, a little less miserable, and perhaps give her what she wants most right now, no matter how painful that will be for us. I know that not all of these dying moments were going to be tender and peaceful. I know they told me it might get rough and emotions will be thrown to the curb and then lifted again only to be thrown back down but I wasn't prepared for this. I need a little time to catch my breath. But we are strong. We'll hold our own. We are ready to serve no matter what the day might bring...
We love you Mom!
5 comments:
What a week! I think we have experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. We all assumed that the day we told Mom "it was OK for her to go" was going to be the ultimate low - but we learned it was our high this week. Amazing how our perspective can change.
Thanks for going with us today and for all your help. I hope you (& Megan & Adam & Scott's nose :) ) will start to feel better soon.
Sleep good - Josh - see you tomorrow!
I think that it is so great that as children, you and your siblings have the chance to repay your mom in a small way for all that she has done for you. I know that I cherish the time when the roles "reversed" with my mom and I and it was I who was helping her and giving to her and she was the one taking and receiving, even though she didn't want it that way, it was so good for both of us. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family Josh over this next couple of weeks. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers...I am so sorry.
We are so used to being in control of everything. Control of the TV, control of dinner cooking, control of our lives. But this is a time when it is only between the Lord and the person he is getting ready to welcome home. We think passing should be like what we have been shown on tv and in movies or have read in books. But it just isn't that way. For some people it is fast and a surprise, but for most people it's a slow process, as the spirit tries to stay here......not quite ready to leave. Your Mom loves all of your so much....you have been the most important job and responsibility that she has had in this life....so it is only natural that she doesn't want to leave you yet. But in the next few days, she will be visited many times by her parents and brother to help her prepare to leave. My Mom would describe these visits to me and how beautiful they were. She lost a son when he was a baby and one day just before she left, she told me how he had come to visit her and what a joy it was to see him. I asked her if he was still a baby and she said.....Oh no, he is a handsome man. He had come to give her comfort and had told her he loved her. When I think about this, it gives me great comfort knowing that there is a life with our families on the other side and they are waiting for us to join them. Someday we will be all together.
Please give your mother a hug and kiss from me. Tell her I am sending her my love and peace to be with her.
Love,
Jillie Ann
Dear Dorius Family, Gary and I read your blogs every day so that, in a way, we can be there with you; but not intrude on your final moments with your mom on this earth. Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts--your highs and your lows so we can be a little part of this with you. We love your parents so much and we have for many, many years---we love them both! It has been so amazing for us to watch this awful but beautiful time. Each of you have taught us how we should be during a time of great difficulty---you are handling this with great love, intense introspection, deep faith, reverence, much joy, great sadness, and for the most part pure selflessness. You are all stepping up to be the person your parents have raised each of you to be. Your Mom AND Dad are so proud! Thank you for teaching us how to do this thing we all will eventually experience.
Earl, we are especially praying for you---we love you! And, Kathy, thank you for LIVING after your diagnosis---you did what you wanted to do! What a great and elect lady you are! We will see you again! We love you all! Raynee and Gary
Just wanted you all to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers... I have a hard time knowing exactly what to say, but I came across something that a young girl with cancer said and thought I would pass it along to you:
"Things to remember...
Trust God in all circumstances. The one thing I've learned thru it all - is that with Jesus, there is always Hope... no matter how hard the situation may be. Cancer's been a blessing in disguise...despite the pain of it all, I've learned some really important things, met so many wonderful ppl and have become a much better person because of it. I don't regret a thing...and I feel so blessed despite my suffering. I know that if anything *does* happen to me, I'll be alright...because I know where I'll be in the end and I know who holds me. The one thing we must remember is that whenever we're going thru tough times... we are never alone. God is always there when we need Him...why?? because He cares. unconditionally for us."
This young girl is a friend of a friend, but she has an amazing perspective in her extremely difficult siutation--which is just like you and your family! I have been so impressed with all of you, and especially your mom, in how you are dealing with everything that is happening.
Sending love to you all!
Amy Tate Daniels
If you are interested in looking at her web-site, you can check it out at: www.taekamifund.org
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