Mom's Talking!! But Saying Goodbye...

(Sorry everybody. I'm posting this so late because the internet is down at my parents house. It will be fixed today hopefully. I drove to my house to post this. It's long, sorry again.)


Waiting.... that's where we are. We are just waiting for the inevitable to happen and my Mom is anxiously looking forward to it. She didn't say much today. She spent the whole day in her wheelchair in the same spot with her eyes closed surrounded by her children. I couldn't tell if she was quietly bothered by all of us or if she was just enjoying our company silently, but nevertheless, we hung around her and we weren't going to leave her. I didn't really say anything to her all day. I could have been somewhere else for all she knew but I stayed in her room just to be close to her. I used to sit and talk to my Mom all day. This was when she had energy for things like doing yard work or driving a car or carrying a conversation. Now she doesn't even have the energy to pick up a small styrofoam cup of water. As the day slowly drifted into night I noticed a little bit of life in her start to show itself. All of my sisters left and she began to talk to me. She wasn't necessarily being her perky positive self, but her unmistakeable humor was there to disguise the negative undertones of what she was saying. "Now, if you pray tonight to keep me alive for another day, I'm going to be very ticked off at you." She said. "OK Mom. But don't expect me to sneak into your room tonight and smother you with a pillow either." I replied with a smile, fully understanding how appalling this conversation was, but enjoying the rare opportunity to joke around with my Mom once again. "Oh come on!" She said with a bratty whine. I laughed really hard at this. But deep down I was... and wasn't surprised at how well my Mom was handling the situation. Who else could joke like this? Only a descendent of Ralph Bean could be this witty so close to the end. (Ralph is my Mom's dad and those who knew him could agree on this.)

We talked like this for a little while til it was time for her to go to bed. I could tell she was dreading this. She always does. My Dad and I placed her footstool next to the bed and wheeled her over. We helped her out of her chair and as I held her back so she wouldn't fall, my Dad lifted her feet onto the stool. From there we lifted her onto the bed sitting upright. Then I pulled her up while my Dad lifted her legs up one by one and we pivoted her into her pillows that were placed properly so she would be sitting upright in bed. This whole process takes everything out of her and it kills me to hear each painful moan pass her lips as she is pulled and pushed by my Dad and I. But in the end it's all worth it to see her in her own bed relaxed and comfortable.

We gave her her pills but none of us could say goodnight yet. She had a strong feeling that tonight would be "The Night." We started to talk again. "How do you do it Mom? How are you handling all of this so well? You never complain or whine." I said. "I don't want to be remembered as a complainer. I hope you won't remember me that way." She replied. She hasn't complained at all. At least not that I've heard. Just then my sisters, Ashley and Amanda walked in. They joined us for a nice talk with my Mom. I think they were a little surprised to see her talking so much. She said she hoped that her parents and brother would come get her tonight. We all started to cry. I checked the clock and realized that I should have left for work by now, but this was too important to walk away from, especially for work. I left the room to call my boss to tell her I'd be a little late. When I returned, my sisters, Dad, and wife Megan were all in the hallway outside my Mom's room. They were crying and talking to my Dad. I knew that they had said goodnight to my Mom already. So I slowly walked in and there was my Mom smiling at me. She looked so beautiful. I thought that this might be my last time talking to my Mom. This thought brought many tears and no use holding back now. I ran to her and gave her the biggest hug I've ever given her. She whispered into my ear, "I love you so much Joshie. You have been the best son and I'm so proud of you. Please don't be sad." I couldn't help it though. I WAS sad. My Mom means so much to me. I'll never fully be ready to let her go. I told her how much I loved her and how I'll miss her everyday. She squeezed my hand and with tears rolling down her cheek she said, "I'll miss you too, Josh." I hugged her again and began to walk away but I couldn't let go of her hand. I finally did though and said goodnight.

I drove to work with a clear mind. I love my Mom but I know that she is ready to go. And if she's OK with it, then I am too. I kept looking to the sky watching the lightning in the distance and I said a prayer for comfort for myself. Something I haven't asked for yet. Now I'm home from work, it's 3:14 AM, and so far so good. My Mom was sure about tonight but we all know it's not up to her. Even if we did jump the gun with our goodbyes, it still feels good to get a chance to say them. I feel at peace with the whole situation tonight. Maybe I am starting to receive the comfort I asked for.

I wrote this after work last night. Just a quick update, Mom is still here.