My Mom as I knew her is gone. Last tuesday I said all my goodbyes and cried with her and said all the things that I needed to say and hear what I needed to hear from her- well, I'm glad that I was able to do all that then. It just wouldn't be possible to do that now. I will always remember that night as the night I really lost my Mom. Physically, she is still with us but mentally, she is no longer the Mom I once had. Perhaps she sensed that her mind was on the edge and decided to jump the gun on saying goodbye to us. She has always been a "plan ahead" person.
Today I woke up and went into her room to find her sitting in her chair with her eyes closed and Dawn rubbing her feet. She looked relaxed and content but she didn't look like Kat Bean anymore. I could tell that she was no longer going to respond to a conversation if I wanted to start one. She would occasionally look up to see who was in her room with her. But then she would return to her hunched over position breathing heavy, drawn out breaths. That was how she was all day. As the day went by she went with it. Slowly winding down. Saying "Ok" to herself every now and then. Just off in her own world and we weren't allowed in. But occasionally she would snap back into the present and she would talk to us. I remember my Dad walking into the room and sitting in a recliner chair across the room from my Mom. She sat up, opened her eyes and looked directly at him. He smiled to her, and she smiled back with a sense of comfort and familiarity. Then she put her head back down and shut her eyes once more.
We have decided to stop giving her steroids which will mean she will no longer be able to communicate. Today may have been the last time that I could say "I love you" to my Mom and hear her say it back to me. I hope not. I hope tomorrow morning I walk into her room and make her smile at least one more time. But I'll keep wishing for that every day and I need to accept that this is it.
(This is funny but kind of gross. I wasn't going to include this in my post but it's too funny.)
Today I lied down on my Mom's bed next to her chair. She looked like she was asleep. I felt a gas bubble in my stomach and thought it was a burp.... it wasn't. I totally ripped one next to my Mom. I looked over at her hoping she didn't hear it. She slowly raised her head and turned to me half opening her eyes. Then she shot me a smirk. My fear of waking her up was replaced with laughter. "Some things never change huh Mom." Dawn said from the other side of the room observing our little moment. My Mom has always thought flatulence are funny. Even during these sad and painful times, her personality and humor creeps up to remind us that she is our Mom. She put her head back down and I could tell she was chuckling under her breath. Not a very tender last memory of my Mom but we have always kept humor in our relationship.
4 comments:
Humor helps to keep us sane. When you think back to wonderful memories, you will always find humor. These final memories of your mother will not be just of her suffering and pain......because like child birth, it fades away as time goes by, but it is these moments of humor, great visits, the stolen smile or all knowing look between you and your Mom....this is what you will remember and treasure. I can picture your Mom and Dad giving each other that loving look that has passed between them all these years. No words need to be said....they know that they have a special love that will last eternities together and they have both done well in creating your eternal family. Peace is coming, peace is near. She is saying "OK" to those who are calling her home.
Oh how I wish I was there to be with all of you....but can't arrive until this coming Friday morning.
I love you Kathy and Freddie
Jillie Ann
I am crying and laughing at the same time. I am glad you included that story and I am glad you included it at the "end" (no pun intended). Tears start to flow and are quickly joined with giggles. I love you - you have such a way with describing how it "really" happened.
I didn't know if anyone else caught the moment between Mom and Dad. It was just what I needed.
Are we prepared for this week???
That last part of your story is HI-LARIOUS! It made me laugh...I think it's so special that you were able to have your "real" goodbye's on Tuesday...I am sure you are correct in assuming that your mom knew she was mentally leaving and wanted to say good-bye as herself, the mom you know. My thoughts continue to be with you on this journey. That is how I now view death. It is a journey of both body and mind and there are steps that someone has to take to make the whole journey. I pray for peace and comfort for all of you on the last leg of this journey with your mom...
Josh that is so you. I had to stop reading because I was laughing so hard. I didn't realize your mom shared your humor, or I guess that you shared hers. I am thankful that you told that story, I feel the same way about gas. I also wanted to agree with you about Meg, I think that you two are perfect together and I really look up to you both. I pray that you will all be alright, I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I know that no one can understand how you feel. She always talked about the two of you with a huge smile on her face when I went into the office. I will miss that. She was an amazing person with a huge heart!
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