Another rough day today. I woke up and made my way to my Mom's room and I could already feel the stress and tension in the air. My Mom was having a small panic attack trying to get all of her work done. Like arranging bank accounts for my Dad and extradition training for Megan. She just wouldn't calm down so Dawn, Adam and I helped her with everything she needed and I think it helped because she was calm enough to take a nap shortly after. When she woke up she felt a little better. She spent the rest of her day in her room relaxing. She had a few visitors and kept her strength to visit with them. After dinner, my Dad and Adam hung out with her and they sang and played songs on guitar for her. This was meant to cheer her up but Megan, my sister Ashley (who's staying with us for the week), and I soon found them all crying. My brother lead us all in a family prayer which was very emotional for everybody and then we said good night.
I hate that I can just live my life normally while one of my most loved, cherrished, and influential persons in my life is stuck in her room in pain. I've never felt anything like this. Constant guilt mixed with unfulfilled agony from not being able to help her. I broke down again today. I have never prayed too often in my life but today I decided that the Lord and I needed to have a little chat. I told him that I was sorry we haven't been on the best of terms lately but I needed a favor. I told him that I NEED my Mom to stay here with me. To help me. I'm not done going to her for help and I plan on being a father soon and she could really come in useful for guidance. I told him that she has been one of my best friends and my life will feel a little empty without her. Then I told him that I know he's in control of the situation and as desperate as I am for her to stay, the most important thing I could ask for was that my Mom not die painfully. "Take her quietly." I think I said. This was all about fifteen minutes ago and I'm still bawling like a little turd but it feels good to care about somebody like this. I just want to ask everyone who reads this blog to pray for the same thing I did tonight. If we can't keep her then let's let her go peacefully. I don't want my Mom to hurt anymore. She's way too important to me and I think that God loves me enough to grant me this small wish no matter how I've lived my life. Thanks again to everybody for all your help. Mom keeps saying the biggest blessing from this situation is seeing how good people really are. Thanks again.
8 comments:
We all wish she could stay here with us but we all hate to see her, day after day, sit in that room helpless, weak, and in pain. It's a double edged sword. It's not our mom:(
I love the opportunity to serve her though. When I first found out she had cancer I felt that I never fully appreciated her because I could never give back all she has given to me. I feel now as we have the opportunity to serve her it is a small way of giving back.
This has been so hard. And I wish I could be there for all those tender moments because that is what makes me enjoy this journey as much as I can actually enjoy this. Ugh!
Heavenly Father knows you and your heart and he hears your prayers. You know that though. I love you Josh!
My name is Terry Daines and I went to high school with Kathy. My wife said that her daughter came into our store in Sandy just recently and told her of this unfortunate news. We both are ever so sorry to hear of this. Kathy & all of our group of friends had such a great time in high school. At the high school reunion I saw most all of them. It seemed good to see Kent, Steele etc. and I do talk to David once in awhile. Sorry that that you could not make it to chat over old times.
I hope you will relay this message to Kathy and I hope the very best to her and all her family in this difficult time.
Josh,
I don’t know you very well at all, but I have been following your blog closely. I can tell you that your actions in helping your mom and your passion for loving your family speak volumes about your character. You are an incredible person and I believe you have lived your life in a way that definitely makes you worthy for to God grant you this request. I know you have made an impression on many, including myself.
I pray for your mom and family everyday. My heart breaks that your family is going through this. I have always loved your mom dearly and she definitely deserves a miracle!
Kim Tate Brannon
Oh Josh,
I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do other than say "I'm sorry" over and over again, but I am. I know so many of the same feelings you are feeling. I remember when my mom was dying and at first all I prayed for was a miracle and then it just came down to, "please just let her be at peace and not in any more pain" and to this day, I still think about all she is missing out on, her kids weddings, the birth of more grandchildren and just our day to day lives in general. I have, HAVE to believe though, that God is merciful and that he loves us more then we can ever imagine and that someday this will be made fair and just. I hope you guys have a better weekend. Heavenly Father knows your heart and I know he hears your prayers. I will continue to pray for you all as well.
Love,
Adrian
Josh,
This is Jenna. I am a good friend of your sister,Amanda. You have such a great family and I truly admire your strength in this difficult time. It is such a blessing that we have the knowledge that you will be a family forever. My prayers are with you and your family.
Thanks, Josh. We will continue to pray.
Josh, I think we have all prayed the same prayer.
We have all learned a lot about humility and that as much as we want to be in charge, we are not. We don't see the big picture and right now, none of this makes any sense.
I would give anything to change this situation. I would love for things to be "as they were". But I am so thankful for the good that has come out of it. I am thankful that our close-knit family has become even closer. I think our relationship with Mom is closer and our relationship with Dad is closer. I didn't think there was any room for more "togetherness" and yet we have seen it happen.
We have all dug deep into our hearts as to what we believe. We have learned to serve Mom. We have learned what is REALLY important. Like Dad always says, "don't sweat the small stuff", we certainly have learned what is small and what is important.
Keep praying! My friend gave me a framed picture that says "Sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child." I don't think He is choosing to calm the storm. I guess it is time to allow Him to calm us, his children.
I love you and know we will find peace and comfort and so will Mom.
Oh, I don't know what to say. That was a beautiful post and again I am warmed by how strong your family is!
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